Taste | Changbin

Chapter Twenty-Seven

"So how do you do it?" Lennon finally asked after a few minutes of silence. Her tears had finally stopped falling down her face. Her panic attack was finally over. 

"Do what?" 

"How do you manage to be the leader of one of the biggest bands in South Korea? How do you deal with your own problems and everyone else's? The band has called you the backbone of the band, but how do you do it? How do you stay so strong all the time? You have fans watching your every move and the band members always trust you'll be there for them. How do you do it?" 

"Believe it or not, I wasn't always like this. I came to South Korea when I was a teenager. I made a lot of friends and watched them debut one by one. It seemed like when I finally had friends, they were pulled away from me. I stayed behind as a trainee and they all got to move on with their lives." 

"That must have been a lot." 

"Believe me, it was. It was scary and there were a lot of times that I felt alone. It was a rough period in my life. I was away from my family and South Korea, although I was born there, it wasn't familiar to me. I grew up in Australia until I auditioned for JYP. I moved to South Korea to become a trainee." 

"I ended up becoming close friends with Han and Changbin. We started our own group until Stray Kids happened. We finally got to debut and it was life changing. I had felt alone for so long that I promised myself I wouldn't let anyone ever feel like that. Everyone deserves to be able to have a friend." 

"Not to mention, I'm the eldest of the band," he continued. "Back home, I have two siblings, but I'm the eldest sibling. I feel like I've kind of been a leader my whole life, so it was natural. If I need something, I go to one of the other oldest members. We all share advice back and forth. They're there for me as much as I'm there for them." 

"And what about your fans?" 

"I love the stays. I have a big heart and it shows. I know that when I felt alone, I seeked out people for comfort, but I didn't always have them. However, I did have access to the internet. I fell down rabbit holes and fell in love with bands. I fell in love with music. Why not combine those two things?" 

"Stray Kids is a place meant for fans to feel like they're part of our family. Even if they don't have it in real life, they can listen to our music, they can watch our YouTube videos. They buy our albums and carry around our faces on cards. They buy our stuffed animals and hug them. Even if it's only helping one person, it's helping a person. We've done our jobs and we've made a difference in their lives; that's pretty incredible." 

"I wish I had half of your strength." Tears pricked Lennon's eyes. "Even if it was only a fourth of it, I think it'd be better than where I am now. I'm sorry for yelling at Changbin, I didn't mean to." 

"I don't mean to pry, but what was that fight about the two of you got into the other day?" Chan scooted himself closer to her. He folded his hands and placed them in his lap. 

"I don't think I should go into it because I think you're going to get mad. He shouldn't have said what he said, but I don't want you to yell at him. I don't want you to make things between the two of us worse than what they already are." 

"I won't yell at him, I promise." 

Lennon took a deep breath and squeezed her eyes shut. "We didn't actually get into a fight. He asked me if I was done whoring around. A few weeks ago, the day before we went to the arcade, Han asked me to come hang out at Lee Know's dorm." 

"I remember that because Han was in the car when he asked you. I had just gotten your number and he asked if he could call you." 

"I ended up falling asleep on the couch that night and I woke up to Han and Hyunjin wrapped around me. It didn't mean anything, but I guess Changbin saw it. At the arcade, Han wrapped his arm around me and then Felix wrapped me in a hug after I broke Changbin's record. When I went to tell Changbin that everyone was at the bumper cars, that was the first question out of his mouth." 

"It was so stupid and it shouldn't have bothered me, but it did because I-" Tears blurred her vision. She forced herself to sit up on the grass. "I didn't have the best relationship with my father. That's why I left America to go to South Korea. It was an escape from my father and most of my friends had left when we graduated high school. Plus, it's always been a place I wanted to visit." 

She took a deep breath and wiped her tears away. "My mom was killed in a car accident when I was fourteen. My dad eventually couldn't handle the pain that came with that. They had been married for years, so he lost my mom and turned to alcohol. He let his rage consume him when he drank. He was always so angry and he'd lash out at me." 

"Oh, Lennon..." 

"There was a point when my dad called me a whore while I was wearing a prom dress. When it came out of Changbin's mouth, it was just another reminder of my dad. I left the arcade that day because I started having a panic attack because all I could remember was my dad. I didn't want to worry anyone. When Changbin touched me, I was in the middle of another panic attack." 

"So you panicked," Chan finished for her. "That's why you were desperate to get out of the car. You were thinking about your dad and your mom." 

"Yeah..." Lennon trailed off. "I didn't mean to piss off Changbin, I swear. It just all became too much and it felt like I was suffocating." 

"I'm glad you felt like you could tell me and you opened up. It was my fault that Changbin was in the car to begin with. He didn't want to be there, but I've been trying to ease the tension between the two of you." 

"You were just trying to help, it's not your fault. Changbin and I came to the agreement that we'd ignore each other and it works out fine. At this point, it is what it is." 

"Did your dad ever physically abuse you? I want to ask because you got this horrible look on your face the moment Changbin touched you. If he did, I'll make sure the members don't touch you if it'll be triggering." 

"There were times when he grabbed my shirt and pulled me, yes. I don't mind people touching me as long as I'm expecting it. Like Han, for example, I've realized Han is very touchy and I don't mind it because I expect it from him. You don't have to tell them, I'll be okay." 

"You became part of this family when you signed up for this job. We all care about you, including Changbin, even if he acts like he doesn't. Not to mention, Felix said something about Hana calling you her daughter's aunt." 

Lennon let out a chuckle, "it's not like I meant for that to happen. That was purely accidental, I still can't believe she did that." 

"I can't believe her either."

 "I'm sorry that I just put all of that on you. I know you're probably nervous about the start of the tour and I just became a burden." 

"You're not a burden. It's not a crime to want yourself to be heard. I followed you because I figured you'd need someone to talk to sooner or later. Your thoughts and feelings aren't a burden and they never will be. It's okay to need help. It's okay to want help. It's okay to reach out and ask for support. You don't have to go through life alone."  

"Chan! Lennon!" A voice called from far away. 

"I guess we should probably get back to the hotel, huh?" Chan asked. "They're probably trying to figure out what we're doing. I ran after you because I'm pretty fast." 

"Probably. Do you think your manager is going to tell JYP about this?" 

"No, our manager is really nice. He doesn't complain to JYP unless we tell him to." 

"Thank fuck." 

Chan chuckled and pushed himself off the ground. "Come on, let's go inside." He held his hand out for Lennon to grab. "It's pretty chilly out here and you don't have a jacket. A comfortable bed would be a lot better to lay on anyway." 

"I guess you're right." 

"Chan!" 

"Lennon!" 

"Are they all looking?" Lennon mumbled. She grabbed Chan's hand and let him pull her to her feet.

"Oh, probably. It's not the first time we've had someone go off on their own. Sometimes we all have our days where we just snap and need a breather. We probably shouldn't because we do have some pretty insane fans, but it does happen." He cupped his hands around his mouth. "We're coming!" 

"Thanks for letting me ramble." 

"Of course, that's what friends are for."