Taste | Changbin

Chapter Sixty-Three

After trying to compose herself Lennon walked to the bakery and back to the hotel without a word. There was no need to stand around and flood the glistening lobby floor with her tears. The more she had moved, the more the shock of her father's death wore off. It was replaced with a cold numbness instead.Somewhere inside of her, a flip had been switched. There was the steady beat of her heart, but she felt nothing. Blood pulsed in her ears. Her lungs filled with oxygen and released carbon dioxide. She could function, but grief took away her emotions. When the dirt settled and the dust cleared away, it took everything from her. 

Her fingers curled as she tapped them up against the wooden door of Chan's hotel room. Shuffling could be heard inside before the door swung open. Chan stood in a black hoodie and a matching pair of sweatpants. Brown eye bags sat beneath his eyes. His eyes wandered down to the two paper bags looped around her fingers. 

"I brought everyone breakfast." She lifted up one of the bags. "This one has cold bottles of coffee and the other has a mixture of donuts and muffins. There's enough in here for the band and the management team." 

"You didn't have to do that, you know." 

Lennon shrugged, "I wanted to do something nice. I just thought I should drop them off with you. I was going to hold onto them, but I heard you playing music as I passed by the room. I figured you were up and working on a new track." 

"Shit, I didn't realize I was being so loud. I thought I had my headphones in. That explains why I thought everything was off, I'm sorry." 

"Do you wanna come in?" He swung the door open wider to reveal more of the room. His laptop was open on a bed. Blankets were wrapped around each other and they tangled together. "Changbin actually just came over here a few minutes ago. He's in the bathroom, but he'll be out in a moment." 

"No, that's okay. I just wanted to drop off breakfast. I know everyone always seems to find you to figure out the schedule. I'll see you when we leave for the venue." 

"Wait, have you eaten?" Chan couldn't stop himself from studying her face. Her tone was dull and something seemed to be off.

"I dropped off a muffin and coffee in my room before I stopped here." 

"Are you okay?" 

She smiled, but it didn't quite reach her eyes. "Just a bit tired, that's all. I'm not used to all the traveling and it's taking a toll. Don't worry about it, I'll be fine. I'm going back to my room to get a little more rest." 

He wasn't convinced she was telling the truth, but he nodded. She handed him the handles of the paper bags. "The bakery labeled everything, so you know what is what." 

"Again, thank you for buying it. You really didn't have to do that. I'm excited to eat a muffin, they smell wonderful." 

"They're freshly baked and probably still a bit warm." 

His eyes lit up. 

"You're welcome, enjoy them." 

She turned to walk back towards her hotel room. She felt like she was walking with cinder blocks attached to her feet. Since Changbin was no longer in her room, she'd be able to have a moment to process the news by herself. 

Walking into the empty hotel room only caused her more misery. The clouds outside had darkened. Without a light, the room had turned a hazy gray. She kicked off her shoes and dropped herself face first onto the bed. Her body bounced a few times before it went still. Her socked feet hung off the end. 

She had lied to Chan. She hadn't dropped breakfast in her room. The thought of eating after hearing such awful news made her stomach queasy. She squeezed her eyes shut and pressed her face further into the bed as if it would block it out. 

She wasn't sure what she should feel. She had left her dad passed out on his couch months ago. His house was on the verge of being taken by the bank due to missed mortgage payments. His bank account was in the negatives. That didn't seem to matter as long as the fridge was full of alcohol. As long as the TV kept running and Adult Swim kept playing, nothing seemed to matter in his world. 

She had tried not to let it bother her. She knew he was still miserable about her mom's death. He only acted the way he did because of her death. Grief made people do crazy things. Grief could make people stupid. The brain will do anything to make the heart stop aching. 

If she would have known this was how it ended, maybe she would have stuck around. If she could turn back time, she would have done things differently. She would have forced him to get help. She knew that he sometimes walked to the bar, it was only a twenty minute walk from their house. 

Up their road, to the left, and further up another road. There was only one long ditch in that area and it was on the road they used to live on. Her father almost made it back home. He was so close to safety when the grim reaper found him. 

A large banging sound caused her to shoot up from her bed. 

"Lennon, let me in!" Felix's thick Australian accent cried out. "Please, he's going to get me! Save me!" 

Almost tripping over her feet, fearing that Felix was being attacked, she yanked her hotel room door open. Felix quickly scurried inside and hid around her back. "He's trying to kill me!" 

Han appeared in the door frame. "You ate my last pack of Gushers! You deserve some type of punishment. You can't get away with this!" 

"Lennon, save me!" Felix cowered behind her body again. "It was an accident, I swear! I thought you had more." 

"Come here!" Han reached out towards Felix. He yelped and ducked to the other side. "Stop moving!" He tried again, but Felix pulled just out of his reach. 

"Lennon, if you help me attack him, I'll buy you a box of Gushers." 

"She's not on your side!" 

"She's my best friend! She loves me and she'd do anything for me! She's like family and that's what family does for each other! They love each other, they support one another, and they care for each other!" 

She thought nothing could crack her, but that did it. 

"They love each other, they support one another, and they care for each other."

Where was her love? Where was her support? She had none. Her mom had died and the love and support Lennon received had died with her. Her father had tried, but he didn't know how to fill the shoes that his wife had left behind. He didn't know how to love. There was no emotional support. 

Her lower lip started to quiver. There was no way she was going to be able to hold herself together in front of the two of them. She was going to destroy their mood and that only caused her to hurt more. Why couldn't she be stronger? Why couldn't she hold back her emotions? Why did she have to be so weak? 

Han was the first one to notice. His face dropped at the sight of her tear filled eyes. "Lennon, what's wrong? Are you okay?" 

She nodded her head and wiped away her tears, "peachy." 

"No, you're not. Why are you crying? Is it because you're upset about the Gushers too? I know that I sure do feel like crying." 

Felix shot Han a glare. He had walked in front of her when Han asked her what was wrong. "You can talk to us, you know. We want to know what's going on inside your head. What's wrong?" 

The words tumbled out of her mouth before she could stop them. 

"I think I killed my dad."