Taste | Changbin

Chapter Eighty-Six

A/N: Quick trigger warning for disassociation and suicidal thoughts.

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Physically, Lennon was applying makeup to everyone's face. Sponges blotted foundation, brushes painted on blush, eye shadow was blended into their eyelids. Mentally, she was somewhere else. The members of the band knew this as she did their makeup.

She worked in silence. They tried to talk to her, but the only response they'd get was an occasional hum or nod. Plum bags sat beneath her eyes. The capillaries in her eyes were irritated with angry red. She had spent the whole night crying off and on.

She hadn't even bothered to shower this morning. She threw her hair into a messy bun, threw on a pair of jeans, an oversized t-shirt, and called it good enough. As much as she wanted to throw on a pair of sweatpants, she knew she still had to look somewhat presentable.

The band knew the situation was bad, but they didn't realize how bad it was until Felix sat in the makeup chair. Felix; who had always brought her comfort in the worst moments. Felix; who was a warm ray of sunshine and could cheer up anyone when they were sad.

He tried to cheer her up. He told bad jokes, he complimented the makeup she placed on his face, as a last resort, he tried making funny faces at her. All she did was stare at him with glazed over eyes. Her lips sat in a thin line, it wasn't a frown, yet it wasn't a smile either. He couldn't even get her to crack a hint of a smile.

When Changbin sat down, she refused to look him in the eye. Every time she did, all she could think about was her family. What if the fans were right? Was she just bad luck? Chan had announced earlier that the California shows had to be canceled. Would it have been different if she hadn't tagged along?

Inside of her, her consciousness had taken a backseat. She could see everyone, she knew what she was doing, but she didn't feel like she was in charge of anything. It felt like her body was on autopilot mode. She was living from a third person perspective.

Her emotions had turned off at some point. Somewhere along the scattered tears last night, her sadness had turned into numbness. She couldn't feel anything, how was she supposed to? Her parents were dead and they had died cruelly. She had the type of romantic relationship that people dreamed about.

Changbin and Lennon were the type of couple that if they didn't have to hide, you'd be envious of it. Hand holding during the smallest mundane moments such as grocery shopping. Always touching each other and telling bad jokes. Stealing kisses from each other when they thought nobody was watching.

Spontaneous moments like picnics and buying each other breakfast. Laughing so loudly that it bothered everyone else, but it was hard to be angry when you knew how much two people adored each other. Yes it was rough, at first, but love can be.

When you're broken and you've never had the chance to properly fall in love, it's scary. Always wondering what might go wrong and yet lured in by a false sense of security. Nothing in Lennon's life ever seemed to go right.

Dead mom with an abusive dad. Year after year of life lived by walking on eggshells. Growing up with physical abuse was rough, but growing up with emotional abuse and neglect was a different layer of hurt. Unless you were strong, people's words could easily penetrate paper thin skin.

The weight of the world had finally succeeded. It had brought her to her knees, crushing every bone along the way. Seeped in sadness, how was she supposed to fight back. How were you supposed to claw your way out of the black pit of depression when it all felt so worthless? What was the point?

Would anyone even miss me?

It was a silent and deadly thought. Of course, she had friends, but they'd get over it, wouldn't they? She wasn't that close to any of them. The band? They hadn't known her for that long. It would sting, but it would be manageable. Hana? The two of them texted every day, but there was still much left unknown about each other.

"Lennon, are you okay?"

She looked up and realized she had frozen with her makeup brush almost to Chan's face. Changbin had left after she finished his makeup and Chan took his place. Snapping out of her fog, she nodded her head, and dabbed blush onto his cheeks.

She tried to pull herself away from her negative thoughts and listen to Chan ramble about the latest artist he had been listening to, but they kept popping up. A heavy fog covered her brain and she wasn't in the right headspace. She knew she wasn't thinking clearly, but that didn't stop negative thoughts from continuing to pour in. They repeated over and over again.

She was spiraling out of control. She placed down the brush and sprayed setting spray over Chan's face. Taking a step away from him, he thanked her, and got out of the chair. That was always the last step in their makeup routine.

She watched the band walk out of the room. Some of them had their arms draped around each other's shoulders. Three of them were laughing. They had each other to lean on; physically, mentally, and emotionally.

No matter how much she wished she could have ignored it, it stung. Why couldn't she have that? Why did bad things happen to good people? Why did good people turn bad? Why did life have to be so difficult?

She was exhausted.