Taste | Changbin

Chapter One-Hundred and Four

"Do you still like him?" Dr. Kang sat with one leg hooked over the other. 

The therapy session had been ongoing for nearly forty-five minutes. Lennon didn't think she was going to be able to open up. She thought it'd take her a while, but one topic fell into the next and then the next and soon she couldn't stop herself. The words rushed out of her mouth like a waterfall. 

Dr. Kang's pen moved rapidly as she nodded and gave her advice here and there. It was nice to be able to talk to someone. It felt great to sit down with a professional and be told her feelings were valid. For once, she was glad she had listened to Han's advice. 

"What kind of question is that?" Lennon scoffed. "Of course, I still like him!" 

"What do you like about him?" 

"Everything. I mean I already told you we didn't get off on the right foot and we had a few incidents. After we patched that up, I liked everything. I like the way he comforts me on my bad days. He likes to compliment me and it makes me feel good." She folded her hands together. "Last night, I had a nightmare and he came rushing to comfort me." 

"And you're not dating?" 

"Not anymore. Not after I broke up with him after the incident with his fans." 

"Did he want to break up?" 

"No." 

"Did he try to address the issues?" 

"Well...I mean he said he'd figure it out but..." 

"But what?" 

"I'm scared!" Lennon blurted out. She let out a sigh and closed her eyes. "His career is so important to him. Part of what makes the band so successful is the parasocial relationships the fans develop with him. His fans hate me, so what if they started to hate him?" 

"I mean I felt awful when a stranger came up to me and told me to kill myself. What if something like that happens to him? I'd feel awful if the fans started to hate him because of me. Besides, the fans made a good point. Bad luck seems to follow me wherever I go." 

"What do you mean?" 

"My mom died in a car accident on the way to work when I was fourteen. My dad died a month ago after he walked home from a bar drunk. He passed out in a ditch and drowned in a puddle of rain water. I mean it even extends farther than that. I dumped coffee on Changbin when I met him and a few hours after that, I cracked his phone." 

"I nearly got Han mobbed when we were in New York. I accidentally led fans back to our hotel. When we were in Florida, I got drunk in a random bar and Changbin had to come rescue me. In another city, we were screwing around and a fan took a photo of us which started the whole dating scandal and all the hate. It never seems to end." 

"My mother died of breast cancer when I was eleven and in a wicked turn of events, my father is currently fighting lung cancer." 

Lennon raised an eyebrow, "I'm sorry?" 

"When I was twelve, I got to stay home alone for the first time and accidentally caught the stove on fire while trying to cook. It was a whole fiasco and firefighters had to come put out the fire. While waiting for the firefighters, the fire spread to the walls, and it completely totaled our kitchen. When I was nineteen, I accidentally sideswiped a car." 

"And when I was twenty-two, I bumped into a stranger at a bar and dumped my drink down the front of her shirt. I was twenty-three when I fell in love and by twenty-four we were engaged. At twenty-five, the wedding was called off because my fiance cheated on me. Do any of these things make me a bad person?" 

Lennon shook her head, "no. Why would they? It's not like you gave your family members cancer. You were a kid when the fire thing happened and I'm sure the car accident was just an accident. At the bar, things can happen by accident and sometimes people fall out of love." 

"So when you say all these bad things have happened to you, if they were to happen to someone else, would you feel the same way? Would you think that maybe they were an unlucky person? Would you try to avoid them? Would you treat them any differently?" 

Lennon paused trying to wrap her head around the words. "I would just say that's part of life. Sometimes things happen that are out of our control. Sometimes we can't prevent them from happening." 

Dr. Kang softly smiled at Lennon, "you're right. Just because these horrible and terrible things happened to you, it doesn't mean you're a bad person. Accidents can happen and sometimes bad things happen to good people. Unfortunately, that is just part of life." 

"However," she clicked her pen and placed it down on her clipboard. "That's the amazing thing about life. Bad things will happen, but good things happen too. You have the power to dictate your life. You can take it in any direction you choose. I'm not saying it'll be easy because sometimes it's not, but you can do whatever your heart desires." 

"I know it's cheesy and I know people hate this. God, even I hate the quote sometimes. The rain and the dark clouds won't last forever. You might feel like the world is ending right now, but I can assure you, it's not. The sun will come out and brighten up the darkness. You will find your rainbow with a pot of gold at the end of it, I know you will. I believe in you." 

She picked up the box of tissues on the coffee table and held them out to Lennon. She grabbed one and used it to wipe away the tears that had started to slip down her cheeks. "Sorry for crying," she mumbled. 

"Don't worry about it, that's why I have tissues here. Life can be scary and it's difficult and confusing. You know that because that's why you're here. I'll do whatever it takes to help you work through things. You've got some pretty incredible friends and it seems like you have a lot of love for a certain someone." 

Lennon let out a laugh as she wiped away her tears. "Yeah, I guess you're right." 

"I hate to say it, but this is the part where the session has to come to an end. You've been here for an hour and I believe we had a good talk. I think I brought some things to your attention that you need to think about."

"Yeah..." She wiped away more tears with the balled up tissue. 

 "I think I need to go home and speak to someone."