For All Time: Michael Jackson

Chapter 35 - Guilt

𝙳𝚎𝚌𝚎𝚖𝚋𝚎𝚛 𝟸𝟾𝚝𝚑, 𝟷9𝟾9 - 𝟽 𝙿.𝙼.
*𝙹𝚊𝚍𝚎'𝚜 𝙿𝙾𝚅*

Christmas was amazing, we invited my parents over to Neverland, and it was even better than the last time.
Seems like Michael and my father get along very well.

Now, today a young boy whose name is Ryan, who suffering from AIDS came over and he's going the spend a week here at Neverland. This is really important for Michael. So of course I'm supporting him with this.

Ever since Randy and Kenzie's wedding, Michael has been behaving... weird.
Especially when I asked him that question on that day and he replied so... nervous?
I don't know. He's just really weird lately.
He's more distant to me and he's always in the Studio. He used to be more affectionate and needy with me, but that also changed... I mean yea, we still cuddle when we go to sleep at night, and we would still have sex here and then - not that often anymore - but... something changed, and I can feel it.

I didn't talk to him about that yet, the only one with whom I talked about this is Kenzie.
Of course being the good friend that she is, she keeps saying that it's probably nothing, that's he's probably just busy with work. Then Randy intervened and supported Kenzie by saying that his brother tends to behave like that when he's just really caught up with work.
But I'm not stupid, I've known Michael in five years now, I've seen him in his ups-and-downs, I've seen him as stressed like never before... this is not the same situation. It's something different.

And I'm willing on finding out.

Right now I was in the kitchen, helping the cook to prepare dinner while I was watching Michael and Ryan playing video games.
He seems so happy right now... why doesn't he look happy anymore when he's around me ? Is it something I've done?
Or maybe it's because we've been trying to have a baby but it didn't work?

I started feeling dizzy and I just felt the need to go and lay down for a moment,

"I'm sorry, I'll be in my room." I said to the cook, he nodded and bowed for me, before I left and walked upstairs into our bedroom.

I layed down on the bed and cuddled with the pillow... my mind full with confusing thoughts.
I really don't know what to think anymore ...
Don't I make him happy anymore?

At some point I felt someone crawling onto the bed and laying down next to me.
I could recognise that cologne even miles away.

"Are you okay baby?" he whispered, while gently stroking my arm up and down.
"Yea... just tired." I lied,
"Tired?" he asked in disbelief, I sighed and turned around to look at him.
"Can I ask you something, Michael?" I whispered looking deep into his eyes. He flashed me a faint smile.
"Of course." he replied.
"Do I still make you happy?" I asked after hesitating for a few seconds, his face instantly changed... he looked more serious and concerned now.
"Yes, of course. Why are you asking? You know that I love you and that you always make me happy." he said, I clenched my jaw trying hard not to get emotional right there in front of him.
"I just... f-felt ... I've noticed that you've been distant lately, that's all." I whispered and turned to lay on my hip again, giving him my back.
"I'm sorry, Jade... I've just been caught up with work lately. You know how it is... we're in the middle of shooting a film, then I'm also in the studio working on new songs..." he explained before releasing a sigh.
"I understand..." I whispered and bit my bottom lip so hard I thought it might start bleeding.
"I'm sorry baby..." he whispered and placed a kiss onto my shoulder,
"It's okay..." I whispered again.

He stayed there for a while until he left and walked back downstairs.

A solitary tear finally rolled down my cheek. I know that he's in the middle of filming, but still it sounded like tons of excuses... why do I feel like he's hiding something from me?

After a while I decided to join them downstairs for dinner.
For the entire time we have been silent, we didn't talk at all.
He simply chatted with Ryan and I sat there, feeling like an outsider.

Once dinner was over I walked back upstairs, changed into my pajama and tucked myself under the bedsheets, crying myself to sleep. I'm not overreacting, am I ?

*𝙼𝚒𝚌𝚑𝚊𝚎𝚕'𝚜 𝙿𝙾𝚅*

After dinner Jade went straight back upstairs.
She was becoming suspicious and my guilt started growing even more within me. Knowing that I was hurting and hiding something from her was making me feel like the worst idiot on the planet...
I didn't want this to happen. Not now, not ever.
How the hell did I find myself in such a position?

I stayed up until late to play videogames with Ryan and talk about life, until he got tired and went to sleep as well.

Instead of going to bed, I went outside and sat in the garden with a flannel blanket wrapped around me, looking at the stars shining in the winter night sky.
Many thoughts running through my mind...

I have to find a solution to this.
This needs to end.
I feel like I'm losing Jade and I can't let this happen.
This is all my fault.

I stayed outside for most of the time, until I started sipping on some Whiskey, before walking back inside and laying on the couch in front of the fireplace...
That's where I fell asleep that night.
Nightmares torturing me, messing with my mind, making me wake up here and there covered in thick layers of sweat.

God, what have I done ?
How am I going to survive to this when feeling so guilty?

I was hurting the most purest soul on earth...
The woman I loved most...
The woman I want to marry...
The woman I want as mother of my children...
And yet, here I am, doing the biggest mistake a man could do.