lilies.

69

Kabanata 69

After that night, I lied that I was going to be so busy so that I could be free in May for our trip.

I can't fake my emotions. Sa oras na makita ako ni Lily, sigurado akong malalaman na niya agad ang tumatakbo sa isip ko.

And, I am sure that I will end whatever we have. Iyon ang napagdesisyunan ko.

I am taking my time and even delaying it. Ayoko pa siyang harapin. Tangina. Naiisip ko pa lang ang gagawin ko ay hindi ko na kaya.

I hate myself for being a coward. For not saying that I love her when I had the chance. If I say it now, it will only make her pity me more.

However, saying it, will it really change anything?

Adriel is her destiny. How bullshit it may sound. Putangina. Inukit na sa bato, itinakda na ng mga bituin ang kwento nila na kahit anong gawin kong pagpigil o pagbabago rito, wala na akong kakayahang baguhin ang naka-tadhana.

They met in the most unexpected way. Sinampal, sinuntok, pinaluhod na ako nang tadhana ng harap-harapan na niyang ipakita kung gaano kalakas ito.

Wala na akong magagawa. Kahit anong gawin ko ang puso ay kailanman hindi nakakalimot. Ganoon ang pagmamahal nilang dalawa.

Hindi pa nagsisimula ang laban ay talo na ako.

Kaya kahit na hindi ako maduwag at lumaban, talo pa rin ako.

Kilala ko si Lily. She's an angel. Not just visually but her heart is so pure. Lahat na siguro ng kabaitan ay sinalo niya.

I'm scared that she will only choose me because she'll pity me. Ayaw niya akong masaktan kaya ayos lang na siya na lang. Huwag lang ang ibang tao, huwag lang ako.

Ayokong piliin niya ako dahil sa awa. Kahit katiting na awa sa mata niya ay ayaw kong makita kung para sa akin iyon.

Kung pipiliin niya ako, gusto ay dahil iyon sa mahal niya ako. Iyon lang.

Kaya kailangan ko siyang pakawalan dahil alam ko, nakikita ko sa mga mata niya nang gabing iyon na hindi ako. Hindi ako iyong mahal niya talaga. It was never me. It is always Adriel.

However, it was never easy to let her go. Parang hindi ko kaya. Sobrang sakit. Araw-araw kong pinapanalangin sa Diyos na sana ako. Sana ako.

Sana mas maaga ko siyang nakilala. Sana bago niya pa nakilala si Adriel ay kilala ko na siya. Sana.

Ang makita si Gab na nasa loob ng condo ko ay nakakapanibago. Madalas ako ang pumupunta sa kanya. Sa bahay nila. Dahil nandoon si Lily.

He looked at me with pity. I am becoming accustomed to this look. I am getting so good at detecting it in someone's eyes.

Kahit na tanghali pa lang ay inabutan ko na siya ng can ng alak galing sa ref. Kumuha rin ako ng sa akin. I need something strong so I opted for a whiskey. Hindi rin naman ako ganoong kalakas uminom kaya malalasing agad ako. I thank the heavens for that blessing.

Lumagok ako bago maupo sa mahabang sofa. Adjacent to where Gab is seated.

"I wanna know if you're really serious with Lily," He started.

Lumagok lang ako ulit ako sa baso. Ilang beses niyang tiningnan ang mukha ko matapos ang baso na hawak ko at binalik sa akin. Matagal ako bago nakasagot.

"Honestly?" I asked, trying to sound like this whole thing doesn't bother me.

Lumagok ulit ako. Parang may batong bumabara sa lalamunan ko at hirap na hirap akong sabihin ang nag-iisang salitang kailangan kong bigkasin.

"No."

He chuckled, nervous and unsure of what he heard. He's not prepared for my answers. I think he is here to plead to let Lily go.

He then chuckled, fakely, I should say, "I already told Lily, there's nothing to worry about you."

Sumimsim muli ako sa hawak na baso at hinayaang magkwento si Gab tungkol sa pagkikita nina Lily at Adriel. Acting like I don't know any of it.

"Remember Lily's first love? They meet again. He finally made the first move. He asked for her number. Hindi niya binigay dahil kayo raw. Adriel wrote his number on a paper and Instagram username in case Lily change her mind. Ayaw niya dahil kayo raw. She's in a relationship with you and she's cheating if she did that," Rinig ko ang irita sa boses ni Gab habang nagkukwento.

"However, she still has hang ups with this guy that she can only love fully if it's him or if it's after him. She never experienced going out with him that's why she romanticised their relationship in her head. I think that's what it is. If she never gets to answer all her what ifs, it will be her 'what ifs' forever, she will never move on from him," Gab explained, "And now, finally, Adriel is making a move on her...it's her dream coming true. It's her destiny working so hard here. And she's letting this go trying to be righteous."

Fuck destiny.

I suddenly became hopeful that she's taking our relationship seriously but then again, it's just pity and maybe, commitment, and the thought that she doesn't want to end up like her mother, commiting a mistake like that.

She's not in love with me.

"We're flings, not until you tell me to take responsibility. For me we're still," I swallowed hard before saying the word, "Flings."

The same exact chuckle he gave me. He is not convinced but he will settle for whatever I say because it favors him and his goal here.

"Right."

"If it isn't obvious, I'm ghosting her. I'm getting tired of all this. I didn't know about her meeting her first love, maybe it's a good thing to know. She's not in love with me. It'll be easy to end this."

Sabi nila, ang pagmamahal daw ay pagpaparaya. Iyon siguro ang pagmamahal na bagay sa akin.

Siguro karma ko ito sa mga babaeng nasaktan ko noon.

I will go back to my old life, old ways, old self but this time I will do it again to forget.

Karma? Kahit paulit-ulit ng karmahin.

What's worse than this?  Now that, the only person I wished for to stay in my life will not be. I have nothing to lose.