lilies.

76

Kabanata 76

"This is not you, Lily," Rai's exact words played inside my head.

He's the only person who points it out. Gab thought that my change of behaviour is long due. It should've been a long time ago.

Some people liked me better for being fun.

But who am I? To me?

We're inside his car. It's new. I still do not know anything about cars though but it's still black. Just like before. We're both quiet. His eyes' focused on the road like how I remembered him, he still drives slowly and carefully.

Bumaba na ang tama ng alak sa akin. Kaya mas nararamdaman ko na ang kahihiyan sa ginawa kong pag-iyak sa harap niya. When I saw him there, I was so ashamed. I know that I am not my usual self. Seeing him reminds me of that. It hit me so hard.

That moment with him? I feel like I can be my most vulnerable self and still feel safe. That's what I felt, that's why I let it out.

I completely took down my facade.

I looked at the city lights while we drove down a flyover in C5. How everything looks so peaceful from afar.

I had the urge to watch him and so I did. His face is relaxed. I memorized this face before, it's nice to see him in person. He looked way more mature, compared to before. He's growing a stubble now. His lips are still the same. His hair is still the same sort of messy but styled. It still looked so soft.

When we stopped at the traffic light, he met my eyes. He has this confused look written on his face, asking why am I watching him?

I didn't bother to look away. That's the only thing I think I like about me now, due to experience, I somehow gained confidence to deal with people.

At the next traffic light, he stared at me again. I gazed.

"What is it?"

"Nothing," I answered.

"Ano nga? You have been staring at me."

"Nothing," ulit ko lang.

"You have something to say?"

"Wala rin."

He sighed, "Then I have something to say."

"What?"

Pinaandar niya ang sasakyan pagka-berde ng traffic light. Nang makalampas kami sa intersection at lumipat ng lane ay saka siya muling nagpatuloy sa pagsasalita.

"Promise me," He whispered and then paused, contemplating, I feel like he has an inner battle in his head. That's what his expression is telling me, "Don't party alone. Let me come with you."

I don't know what to say to that.

"As your friend," He added, "I'll let you be alone. I'll just drive you home."

I nodded.

"I'm worried about your safety when you're too drunk."

I nodded, again. Hinawakan ko ang dibdib sa bandang puso ko at hinilot ito matapos ay binaba ko ang kamay sa hita ko. Pinagsalikop ko ito at tumingin sa labas.

She has Trina though. In every event I attend, she's always there too. I chose to leave out that detail in my head. Why would it be important to me? Of course, he is to marry soon. For love, right?

I used to be the one believing in that. I thought he didn't change but he does. I just have to look in very closely. Sumasakit ang dibdib ko.

He pity me.

Iyon ang nararamdaman niya para sa akin. I'm a mess and he wanted to help me for old times sake and maybe because my grandma is a family friend to them...so that makes me his responsibility.

"We're here."

It's as if on cue, I removed my seatbelts. He is faster than me though. Nakababa na siya ng sasakyan at paikot na sa pwesto ko para pagbuksan ako ng pinto. Oo nga, ganito nga pala siya.

When he's on my side of the door, he opened it. Guarded my head from hitting the car's roof edge.

I stood just beside him after that, hesitating on how to say goodbye. Suddenly, I can't find the right words to say.

"Uh..."

"Pasok ka na. I'll go once I see you get inside."

Napatalon ako. "Uh," Natataranta kong sinabi, "Text me when you're home," Gusto kong bawiin agad, "Oh I don't have your number."

"Nagpalit ka ba ng numero?" He asked.

Umiling ako.

"I didn't change my number either."

Tumango ako. Lumapit na ako sa pinto ng gate namin. Isang hakbang iyon para makapasok. Hawak ko ang amba ng gate, nagdadalawang isip na pumasok. Ayoko pang pumasok.

"Let's catch up soon," mabilis kong sinabi.

He eyed me curiously. "Hm, I have time tomorrow. Do you have time tomorrow?"

"Oh, bukas agad?" Gulat kong sagot.

"Why? Are you just saying it as courtesy? You really don't wanna catch up?"

I am not quite sure if he's joking or serious.

"No! I am sincere but I can't tomorrow."

He nodded slowly.

"But I'll text you."

He nodded again.

He pushed the gate slowly for it to open widely, "Go inside now. It's late."

Kinagat ko ang labi ko, "Goodnight, Rai. And thank you...so much for this."

"Good night, Lily. Please remember your promise, okay?"

I nodded calmly.