lilies.

90

Kabanata 90

We talked for hours about his family. That I am really updated already. He shared that Fei and Eira left for Chicago without even telling him. He felt like he was left out at that time. They didn't inform him what's happening.

Isang beses siyang humikab at doon ko napansin ang oras. Tirik na ang araw.

"You can sleep here," I offered. I stood and held his hand. Hinatak ko na siya patayo bago pa siya makatanggi, "I'll show you the guest room."

Nagpatinaod naman siya akin. Niluwagan ko ang hawak sa kamay niya at pinanatili lamang ang paghawak sa hintuturo niya. When we're near the door, I completely lose my hold and present to him the room.

Nauna na akong pumasok. I immediately went to the bathroom and left it open to show him.

"I'll give you a change of clothes," Nagmamadali akong naglakad papunta sa walk-in closet ni Gab sa bathroom.

I saw a few shirts and pants. I opened the drawers below to check if there was sleepwear or something. I saw a folded set of pajamas on the second drawer. I carefully get it to avoid creasing the clothes.

When I saw him stick his head inside to check on me or peek at the walk-in, I smiled and showed him what I'm holding.

"Change of clothes. Let's go."

Inaya ko siyang lumabas pabalik sa banda ng kama. Nilapag ko ang pamalit niya sa paahan ng kama.

"If..." I heaved a deep breath, "...you ever need me, I'm in the room next door."

I pointed outside with my thumb.

He didn't answer. He just walked near the bed and sat beside the pajamas.

I stood there waiting for his response. Awkwardly. But my heart is pounding loudly. There's this uncomfortable atmosphere between us now. Not in a way that I wanted to leave or he wanted to go out, it's the opposite. It's like he is delaying his answers for me to stay longer and I awkwardly wait because I also wanted to stay.

Because this is new, we're used to sleeping beside each other. This is the first time we're not even though we're in the same house.

"Uh," I muttered then lick my lower lip, hesitating to speak.

"Hmm?" He asked. He looked at me like he's waiting to hear something from me. His eyes glistened with hope, I guess.

"I'll go now."

Bumagsak ang mata niya pati na rin ang nilalamang pag-asa nito.

"Goodnight," I chuckled, "It's morning now. Have a nice sleep. I'll put out the blinds so you won't notice the sun."

I clicked on the remote for the blinds to shut down and create an illusion that it is still night because it's dark.

I slowly close the door. Before I fully close it, I glanced up and he is watching me like he's telling me not to go.

I don't think I can sleep well now, especially it's morning.

I decided to change my clothes first. I usually spend my time on the balcony when I'm here but it's already afternoon, it's currently hot there.

I'll just watch TV then. I'm busy finding what to watch. I can't seem to find one. I'm not really the type of person who likes to watch. Nakikinuod lang ako sa kung anumang pinapanuod ni Yaya Sita noon. That's why it's hard for me to find what to watch.

I turned off the TV and gave up watching. Should I drink?

Honestly doing nothing is so new to me. I have been so busy working these past few years that I actually forget I have a life on my own...like alone. I have been spending most of my free time with Adriel before, if not I am 100% working all day.

These days drinking only keeps me occupied.

I ended up drinking whiskey in broad daylight. I wanted to sleep. I am feeling uncomfortable right now. My chest felt stuffy and suffocated. I don't have anything to distract me from my thoughts.

I keep on remembering the horrified faces of my highschool classmates when I visited Sam's funeral. The hatred in his family's eyes. I always feel desperate to bring back the time. I should've been hands-on with the shipping lines. I shouldn't have left the company for Adriel. Maybe, all those things wouldn't happen. The company's management was in so much chaos when the tragedy happened, maybe that contributed to it. If only. If, fucking, only I was not selfish.

I can't even swallow my own saliva as I am constantly despising myself for being...imperfect, for not knowing any better.

"Ah," I groaned, "I need something stronger."

Instead of getting another liquor, I remembered about the video. I grabbed my phone. I lowered the volume of my phone and played the video I usually play whenever I get suffocated with my own thoughts. The only thing that successfully calmed me without fail.

I just fully need to accept the fact that I wouldn't be able to sleep today.

I heard the door knob clicks while I was watching. My focus splits from waiting for the door to open and watching the video. When it did, my focus was fully pulled to watch Rai who's only wearing boxer shorts as he is looking for me.

I blinked twice as a gesture of confusion as to why he dressed like that when I gave him a change of clothes.

I glanced at the digital clock. It has been only three hours since I left him there to sleep. It's still early.

"Why?" I finally voiced.

"You didn't sleep?" He asked, completely ignoring my question.

The answer is obvious, I thought, but I calmly answered, "Yes."

"Why?"

It's my time to ignore his question. I don't want to talk about it. "Why are you not wearing pajamas?"

He rolled his eyes subtly. "Because it is not mine. It's Gab's."

"And? I'm lending it to you."

"I don't want it."

"Why?"

I don't really get it. What's the big deal with Gab's pajamas?

"I accepted that you treat each other as best friend-siblings, but, technically speaking, he is not."

And his point is?

He continued, "So you can't stop me from being jealous of the fact that he is living with you under the same roof for years."

My heart stopped beating at this point. He is clearly crossing the line I was so afraid to cross just a few hours ago when he said that.

Instead of facing the fact that he told me, I only joked, "Why does it have something to do with the pajamas?"