lilies.

78

Kabanata 78

Rai's POV

Pagkapasok pa lang ng sasakyan ko ay natanaw ko na si Lily sa gilid. Nakasandal ang likod niya sa pader doon at magkapatong ang braso niya. Ang isang kamay ay may hawak na sigarilyo, ang isang kamay ay hawak ang cellphone niya na naka-landscape at parang may pinapanuod. Tuon na tuon ang mata niya roon.

Binilisan ko ang pagpapark ng sasakyan. Bumaba ako at ni-lock iyon. Mabagal lang akong naglalakad papalapit sa kanya. I don't want to scare her by rushing to come near.

The cigarette is in between her middle finger and point finger. She looked cool right now. Far from her innocent image in college. She puffed on her cigarette. Smoke formed in front of her as she exhaled.

Bumaba ang balikat niya at tumingala. Sinandal din ang ulo sa pader. Something's bothering her.

I stopped coming near. I watched her from where I am now for a long time. Hindi ko alam kung gaano na katagal. Napansin ko lang na matagal na iyon nang sindihan na niya ang pangalawang sigarilyo. Nagsimula na ulit akong maglakad.

When she saw me, her lips didn't form a smile but her eyes did. Mabilis niyang sinara ang cellphone at ibinaba ang kamay na may hawak non. She puffed on her cigarette one last time and she put out the embers of the cigar by rubbing on the wall even though she lit it just now. She extended her arms in the air, putting out the smoke that surrounded her as I approached.

"Hi," bati niya. "How's your day?"

Sumandal ako sa pader at isang metro ang layo namin sa isa't isa.

"Galing kang trabaho?"

I shrugged my head, "I met Gab today."

"Oh, really? Sawa na ko makita si Gab," Biro niya, "Anong ginawa niyo? Siguradong kinukulit ka niya tungkol kay Kendall."

"How often do you drink in a week?"pagbabago ko sa usapan.

"Hmm," nag-iisip siya pero hindi ganoong katagal. Sumagot din siya kaagad, "I go here 3 or 4 times a week. I drink every day. I can't sleep if I don't."

I nodded slowly.

"Hindi mo ko pagagalitan?"

"Do you want me to? You said you only do it para makatulog ka."

She chuckled, "Right. You tolerate me nga pala. I remembered now. Well, I'm used to scolding. Grandma and Mommy always do that. Mas grabe lang ngayon. Mommy told me that I'm killing myself by drinking and smoking."

I maintained to show no emotion. I don't want her to think that I pity her. I do not pity her, I want to sympathise with her but she doesn't need it now. I'm sure everyone gave enough sympathy now that she's used to it and I feel like I would hate it if I were her. I hate seeing pity in someone's eyes. Pity for me. I'm not giving her that now, especially since she hasn't opened up to me yet. I will act like I do not know.

"Are you killing yourself then?"

Natigilan siya sa tanong ko. Nanginginig ang mata niya nang mahanap na niya ang mata ko.

She sighed. Hearing that, her heavy sighs felt like she's carrying the world on her shoulders.

"You always caught me," She smiled with no humor in it.

I am honestly alarmed by it. Knowing that she once decided to take her life makes me want to break down here and now, hug her, bawled my eyes, and beg her not to kill herself but I know that she doesn't need to see that right now. She's trying. She's slowing down. I don't know the exact reason why but maybe, she's holding on to life because she still has hope...tiny hope inside her heart.

I didn't speak. I feel like my silence was the only right thing to do.

"You're not asking why?"

"Do you want to tell me?"

Pumikit siya at umiling.

"Then I won't ask," I calmly answered, "Don't mind me. Think that you're alone. Do your thing. You're smoking to calm your nerves, right?"

Umiling siya habang nakatiim ang bibig. "Ayos na. Kalmado na," She said those last two words while looking straight into my soul as if she's saying those words to me...for me.