lilies.

19

Kabanata 19

Life became so complicated, exhausting, and traumatizing after that. I'm so tired of everything.

I used to look forward to the days when we are complete at home but I hate it now. I always wanted out. Ayoko silang harapin.

I always heard them fighting. I don't know why Dad is still coming home. It's wrong to have him here. Compared to Mommy, I am closer to Daddy more because he's light to be with. I don't know anymore.

Lagi silang nasa office ni Mommy. I even heard loud noises like vase cracking, a loud boom, and the door being shut so harsh that I always flinched when I heard it. I always sense fear when they are both here.

Binuksan ko ang pinto ng kwarto ko at dumungaw para tingnan ang pag-aaway nila. Hinahabol ni Daddy si Mommy na pababa sa hagdan.

"We've been doing this for years, Catherine! I don't know why you are being so difficult."

"We've been over for years too, Arthur. Kailan ka ba matatauhan? The only reason I allowed you to stay here is Lily. What's the reason for pretending we're married? Lily already knows about this."

Lumuhod ang Daddy sa harap ni Mommy.

"Let's stay this way," He pleaded. "Please accept me again."

"You cannot leave her but you want to have me?" My mom is still composed but her tone sounded like he found Dad's words ridiculous.

"Hindi ba pwede iyon na pareho ko kayong mahal?"

"Can you hear yourself? Iyan ba ang gusto mong matutunan ni Lily sa pagmamahal? Okay lang ang dalawa? I regretted that I never even try to background check you and blindly trust that you're unmarried."

"Please, Catherine, please," My dad cried. It's the first time I saw him like that.

For one moment, I thought that mom should give Daddy a chance to make him stop from being sad. However, it's wrong to love two person. Mali na iniisip niya iyon. Bakit ganoon siya mag-isip?

"Don't bulllshit me, Arthur. Leave or I'll throw you out."

My mom can't even look at me. Whenever we ate dinner together on the days she's here, she stopped talking to me. She sometimes asked about school but that's it.

When I went home that day, I never even heard an explanation from her...even from Daddy, who almost lived here. They just expects me to understand. Halos umuwi na rin siya linggo linggo dito sa bahay. Inaabangan si Mommy.

This silent treatment doesn't help me either. It makes me come up with different resolutions in my head. I have so many questions, too. Why did they do that? Does Mommy know? Based on the conversation I overheard, she didn't know at first.

There's a pain in my heart that never fades. Most of the time at school, I spaced out. My heart aches. It's like an open unhealed wound contracting air. Mahapdi.

I never focused on the lectures and I only relied on books to actually study.

I distracted myself by replying to a lot of my textmates every night. But the pain is still there. I do not know how to make it go away.

Mommy doesn't allow me to go out on weekends. Kaya kapag may assignment ako na kailangan ng print ay pinapagawa ko kay Gab. Kung busy siya, nangongopya na lang ako sa kaklase kinabukasan at pinapa-xerox ang pinaprint nila.

I also do most of my homeworks during classes. They are way too many to do at home but I find myself always sleeping to hide from the pain I'm feeling.

And then it's fourth grading. Halos mawala na sa isip ko si Adriel. Ilang buwan na rin kaming hindi nag-uusap. Kahit nung Christmas vacation. Umalis kami ni Mommy at sinama niya ako sa conference niya sa Japan para matakasan namin si Daddy. I know that's the reason even though she never tell me.