lilies.

87

Kabanata 87

I screenshot everything and send all of it to him using his own account, letting him know that I saw it.

I logged out and turned off my phone, and cried a ton.

I don't know what to do. My mind is in haywire. I am so lost, angry, and betrayed.

He went to my office looking so guilty. The moment he entered the room, he knelt in front of me.

Was he sorry because he got caught? He doesn't look even sorry for the past months.

"Let me explain, Lily."

Just hearing his voice, my tears clouded my vision. I hate this. I hate that he needs to explain why he cheated. I hate that I need to hear his explanation.

I hate that deep inside me, I hoped that would reason out the pain it caused me... that it would justify his cheating.

I hate that even without explaining, I know there's a place in my heart that would give him forgiveness.

I hate my loyalty. I hate being so sure of him. I hate giving my all to him and now, there's nothing left for myself. Now, I think I'm going to hold on to him because he has all of me.

I gave him my virginity. I gave him my lifelong commitment.

I never even have a backup plan because I was so sure I would marry him.

Hindi ko magawang makasagot. My tears won't stop falling. I looked at him, and let him see my tears. I wanted to make him feel how much I am hurting.

"All the years that we've been together, everyone looks down on me. Your family, your friends, Gab, and even my friends," He opens a quote in the air, "My future is already secured if I marry you. I can just be supporting you on the sidelines as a house husband," He shrugged and messed up his hair, "Tangina."

Huminga siya ng malalim para mailabas ang frustration niya.

"I could be better than that. I want to be better than you. I want to be the one providing for us and not the one being provided for," He stood from kneeling, "If only we're in the same league. With Reina, I am the one providing. She's not from a rich family. We're the same. We were so much alike. I feel seen. I feel needed."

"Do you love her?" I blurted out.

He shook his head harshly, firmly standing his denial.

"No!"

However, I feel like he hesitated.

"Let's end this."

He tried to come near and get hold of me, that's why I stepped back.

"I wished we were like that. I imagined her to be you. I wanted to provide for you. A simple, comfortable life with you, not where people are pulling us apart by emphasizing our differences.

He stepped forward and continued, "A life where it's just us two. Please, Lily. I want us to start again."

I chose to forgive, I was so blinded with love. I know that Grandma would hate me for this but I chose him over our family, the company, literally, over everything. I broke my promise to grandma that I would take over our businesses.

The years I worked with blood, sweat, and tears are trashed just to make us work. I sacrificed my whole life because I love him. This would make him feel better. This would correct all my mistakes in our relationship. Nakakasagabal ang kumpanya sa aming dalawa, iyon ang pinaramdam niya sa akin.

However, it was not easy. I always doubted my choice. I am scared. It was one of the things I hate. I am comforted by the comfortable. The idea of having a future to work on was my comfort zone. Now that I have no future career in mind, my apprehension on this always surfaced. It felt like something would go wrong.

This feeling is too much for me to handle.

As the months went by, I always had doubts about him.

I can't even trust him whenever he's hanging out with friends at work or like anyone else. I suspected each name on his messenger to be a fake name, just to hide that he's cheating again.

I never get jealous and crazy like this in my whole life but what he did to me always haunts me each and every day. I can't trust him again.

I hate myself. I hate who I become.

A paranoid, crazy bitch.

We always fight because of that. He can't seem to understand how hard it is for me to trust him again after he broke it. He just wanted me to magically get over it saying that he won't do it again but it's not enough assurance for me. I am still paranoid.

I cried every night to sleep. Every night we fight, I think how much I regretted this. I lose myself. It was because I compromised too much for him even though deep inside, I don't want it.

I can't even recognize myself anymore. Who am I? What do I want?

Everytime we made up, I'm okay again. Umiikot na ulit ang mundo ko.

It's an endless cycle.

Can I bear a life full of doubts?

Ayoko ng maamo niya para hindi siya iwan kaya umalis ako ng hindi niya alam. I turn off my phone and deactivated my social media.

Do I regret staying with him despite all the imperfections? Do I regret staying with someone I loved for 12 years? No.

I have loved him since I was 13. I created a version of him in my mind without even thinking that he might change. When I had to deal with the real version of him, I realized that I love the version I created in my head.

There's one thing I regret though. I wish I had pursued him when we were 13 years old. Maybe, he wouldn't be the person he is today, if we ended up being both our firsts.

Because now? I know I can't fix him. No matter how much I tried.

And on the day I finally left, the tragedy happened.

My expression is blank even though I am flooded with so many memories that I buried deep inside my heart.

As if lifeless, I answered, "I will not marry, Adriel, and you know why."