Lookism: What Am I Even Doing?

Chapter 117

In this seemingly infinite space, two figures stood above the silent child. Like hypocrites they delivered a cruel fate, asking them to make a decision that has already been made for them. And the child, feeling the weight of reality on their shoulders, has withdrawn into herself to save what little humanity she had left.

This vibrant flower before me has wilted beyond life. Petals browned and crisped. Its roots rotted beneath the soil. All that remained alive was the hope that when the sun rises it will heal into that beautiful flower once again. Maybe it wishes for less, maybe it wishes to become a fertile compost so those around it could blossom in its stead.

That's how I wished this conversation would go. Call me what you wish. Evil. Cruel. Heartless. But I'd preferred for reality to break down the sacrifice in front of us. That way they would act without hesitation of what's asked of them. There will be no hesitation, no rejection of fate, nothing to increase our burdens.

Fighting shall always be a sign of free will.

And what we need is not freedom but compliance.

(Ila's POV)

Th-this...this man-this fucking bastard! Before I knew it, my body shot out of bed. Ready to wring out Doc's fucking throat. He didn't fight me as I crashed into him, pushing both of us onto the floor. I curled my fingers around his delicate skin, overcome with emotions I..I didn't really understand.

What exactly was I feeling?

Was there any way to explain it?

This anger...

This regret...

The betrayal.

Where does one begin?

"I TRUSTED YOU!" The words poured out of my mouth; filled with heartache, "I trusted you!"

Strong arms tried to pull me from his body but all they could do was pry my hands from his reddening face. I fought back against whoever restrained me. I don't fucking care what they think of me. They need to let me go. They don't understand. They just don't understand. This man...he promised me...he promised that he'd make me better and look at what he did to me.

"You-You! You brought me into your damn office-!" I grunted as I was pulled off the floor, "LET ME GO! You-You gave me those damn pills-That damn card, using your goddamn fancy words saying that it would be alright! Do I look better to you doctor! DO I?!"

Now that I think of it, he never wanted to help me, did he? The chocolate milk, the casual conversation, that...sweet talk.

Tears rolled down my eyes. Do you know how hard it was for me to go there in the first place? I was suffering so much. I was desperate to get better. So desperate that I put my faith in some stranger my Uncle met one day in the grocery store. The thought made me laugh. I suppose even that wasn't a coincidence.

Back then, that was the only time I actually tried to be a better person. I talk a lot yet take little action. It's terrifying to be anyone else but the persona I've created for myself. Headstrong, brash, unrefined. Those types of people never get taken advantage of but the coward hidden underneath all that was soft, sentimental, and anxious.

It's so easy to act like a clown or asshole because you feel relief knowing that if people hate you then they really just hate a character; something that isn't real. But then the people I cared about started hating me a little bit too. I thought I could handle it, I thought I could continue living the way I did.