Kill me and I'll kill you - Minsung

Chapter 55

Minho gave up.

He believed in Jisung's words. There was no way he would risk any of his friend's lives only for his selfish want of running after him. 

He has been selfish enough, already.

He accepted the situation he was in. He knew he deserved it.

The ambiance in the house felt heavy.

Hyunjin, Changbin and Felix were under shock, still.

They had no idea, they genuinely thought Minho had accepted them, and had loved Jisung all the way.

Since they left, they avoided him, a bit. They wanted to accept it first, and after, they'll go back to what they were.

But for now, they needed some time, and Minho understood it.

He stayed in his office, knowing it'll be better.

He buried himself in his papers, as he didn't have better to do.

Problems could be solved later. The Alliance's situation could be taken for accountable later.

But in reality, he was completely devastated.

For months, Minho has been splited. Between his growing want to be with Jisung and the need to revenge Seungho to cut his guilt. 

He remembers, all the times he gave in to Jisung.

As he got lulled in, sexually or emotionally. It took some time to admit to himself that he actually loved it. That the reason he did was because of want, and not because of his rationality and planning.

He fell for him so badly.

The nightmares got so intense at that time. He remembers having to make a choice, he remembers feeling as if two different choices were pulling at him at right and left, until he got completely teared apart.

He has been wondering, until he had decided, and that he preferred making himself happier with Jisung, and even if that meant being more nevrotic. He stopped minding it.

And now, he lost it all.

No more Jisung, no more revenge. Nothing, actually.

His nights became so hard.

As if daggers were piercing his lungs, as if claws were splitting his stomach opened.

He could almost feel someone chocking him in the night, as he woke up terrified, and realizing he was all alone.

He woke up every morning in a cold sweat, shaking, his head pounding so bad it could implode.

At some point, he even fell to the floor, his body burning, hurting so bad every move was too much to take.

The nightmares were so vivid.

Watching over and over Seungho die right in front of his eyes.

Imagining over and over Jisung burning in the flames, taking bullets again and again.

He had been used to Jisung, who hugged him tightly at night. Who caressed his hair in the morning after a strong episode.

He wanted to dream. He wanted to get craddled by him, even if it was only in his mind.

And he hoped Jisung still dreamt. Maybe they'd be happier in there. 

At some point, he noticed how his members started slowing coming back to him.

The way Felix would silently help him around in the office.

The way Changbin would pick up his things when Minho's trembling hands messed things up.

The way Hyunjin brought him his medication every mornings.

One morning, when finally everything became too much, he felt his entire body going limp.

He fell to the floor, as if he had lost complete control over his body.

He couldn't see anything, and could hear the sounds of his scattered breath.

And Hyunjin had enough of being mad at him.

He couldn't watch him suffer and stay silent for more time.

Sitting on the ground, after Hyunjin helped him getting over his episode, he couldn't bear to look at him.

"I was waiting for you to come to us first" Hyunjin stated, sighing as he sat in front of him.

"I didn't think I should do that" Minho admitted.

Hyunjin stared, trying to read him.

"Why didn't you tell me anything ?" He asked, sounding so disappointed 

"It was my responsibility" Minho sighed, lowering more his head "It's a lot of guilt to carry, I was okay with carrying it alone"

"You don't always have to be alone in that shit" Hyunjin scoffed "We could have helped, or convincing you to change your mind... Maybe it could have stayed a secret forever"

"Could I even keep this secret for a long time ?" Minho chuckled dryly "I was already guilty enough"

"... But maybe Jisung could have been more forgiving" Hyunjin bit his lip, seeing how Minho's face fell more.

"It doesn't matter anymore" Minho whispered

"That was awful... playing with a heart, really??" Hyunjin said, still in disbelief 

"I'm... not proud of that" Minho sighed

"When did you start reciprocating his feelings ?" Hyunjin asked.

"I- I can't pinpoint it" He admitted, still feeling getting teared up "But I clearly remember the day I made their house fucking explode... Jisung really wasn't supposed to be inside and that shit freaked me out badly"

"You two weren't even dating though..."

"I'm telling you" Minho chuckled dryly "I can't pinpoint when it started"

"... Do you even have an idea that I-... I like Seungmin..." Hyunjin admitted

Minho looked at him, guilt filling him more.

He really ruined it all.

"... I apologize" He said, not knowing how to repent.

"This is a lot .." Hyunjin said, shaking his head.

"Hyunjin" Minho paused, looking at his friend as he bit at his lower lip harshly "Ar-... are you gonna leave ?"

Hyunjin sighed, shuffling closer.

"You messed up big time" He nagged "But no, I would never. I owe you life, and you're my fucking best friend. As messed up as you are, as stupid you have been, I know you're good. We all do stupid stuff when we're driven by the bad emotions. I won't leave you, boss"

"..."

"And... you're forgetting a lot that you never had the guts to kill him" He smiled at him "I know you betrayed his trust. And it's horrible. But in reality, have you even thought about trying once ? The only time you were actually close to kill him, was when you messed up in your plan. For the explosion, or for Jisuk's friends, all of that was way out of your initial plan. Making him come to the house, making him sleep soundly, you didn't even try, Minho. You were convincing yourself that you did all that for the sake of your revenge, but you couldn't"

Minho lowered his head, pressing his eyes closed.

"How are you feeling ?" Hyunjin asked softly

"It's okay" Minho shrugged, smiling, even if it didn't quite reach his eyes "It's just a heartbreak"

Hyunjin shook his head, moving his arm to hug him tightly.

"It's okay to rely on others, sometimes" He whispered to him.

And Minho finally accepted to cry his heart out.