Kill me and I'll kill you - Minsung

Chapter 67

Shuffling around his room, trying to kill boredom, Jisung ended up facing the letter Hyunjin had brought to him.

For an hour or so, he sat on his bed, staring at the folded paper to find the courage the read it again.

He hated that kind of feeling, the emotions rising in him being too familiar in a way, and too unknown on another way.

He ended up opening it, and reading it.

And again.

It moved him so bad.

The way he knew he was going to get killed, but still decided to come only to repent.

The way he apologized, again.

The way he thanked him for putting an end to his life, this only showing how much he actually got feeling bad about all that happened.

The way he showed him how much he liked him, and how much he wanted Jisung to dream, just like he taught him to do it.

The way he said he loved him. And how Jisung never got the occasion to say it back.

He hated how weak it made him feel. He didn't like feeling the need to give something back to it.

He knew he had written it while knowing it was going to be given to him after his death. He wrote those oh too sweet words only for Jisung to read it, not to receive anything from it.

Or at least, he hoped. He still hardly believed him after all.

He still felt so hurt.

Out of nowhere, he decided to knock at Jeongin's room.

He needed a talk, some advices.

"Yes ?" Jeongin asked.

"Do you have time to have a talk like that other time ?" Jisung asked, and Jeongin softened right away.

"An open heart talk ?" He asked, smiling.

"No" Jisung blinked "I don't want to die"

Jeongin chuckled, shaking his head and patting his bed for Jisung to sit, and the latter waddled closer.

"Tell me"

"What do you think of Minho, now ?" Jisung asked, laying on the bed and staring at the ceiling.

"I feel pity for him, in all honesty" Jeongin said softly "He had it all, risked it all, and lost it all. He played with fire, and received the consequences of his actions"

"You think so ?" Jisung asked.

"Yeah, but it's like that. Doing bad stuff leads to receive bad stuff. But now ... He had enough, I think" Jeongin responded, sighing "The only fact that he was ready to run face first to hell for you said a lot, for me"

"Like what ?"

"Like how he feels the need to be forgiven in any way" Jeongin responded.

"I feel weird" Jisung sighed, closing his eyes "Like I still feel the exact way I used to around him, but while being filled with rage"

"Of course Ji, that's how break up works. You want to be around them, and know perfectly that's not the right thing to do. You feel the need to love them unconditionally, but hate the idea of doing so. What you're feeling is perfectly normal, even more with how complicated the situation is between you two" Jeongin responded.

"Why ?"

"Because you love him, Ji. And a part of you is forgiving him. It takes time and all, but don't you think about giving in ?" He asked curiously.

"I don't want to give in" Jisung mumbled "... What if he breaks me again ? What if it's another part of his plan ?" 

"It could, and we all know it" Jeongin admitted "But I doubt it. He seems genuine about his regrets, and about his love for you. At this point, of course it could be another lie, but would you be able to trust him again ?"

"It's hard" Jisung responded.

"But you did way more hard in your life, Ji" Jeongin said softly "You're the strongest, and you know it"

"I... can't trust" He sighed, feeling defeated.

"I know Ji. But the real question isn't that"

"What is it then ?" He asked curiously, turning to the boy.

"Do you trust that he actually loved you at some point ?" Jeongin asked.

Jisung stared at him for some time. He thought, deeply.

"... I don't know" He shrugged "In the end, maybe"

As he left Jeongin's room, getting ready to go to sleep, Jisung's mind was occupied.

As soon as his head hit the pillow, he only was able to think of Minho.

He had obsessed over him the entire day, and maybe the day(s) before too. It got too much.

Closing his eyes, he could only think of the way Minho would ask him to dream, saying he'd take care of him in the meanwhile. The way he had the want to kill him while he did, but never felt the heart to.

And what if he did dream ?

Standing up abruptly, he walked to lock his room, lock his windows, and push a few things in front of the two. There was no way he'd like to feel unsafe more.

And as he closed his eyes, remembering how to sleep with how Minho taught him, he did.

He was happy.

He was giggling loudly in a room, that wasn't Minho's, but seemed to acknowledged like it.

His head laid on his lap, while Minho stared lovingly at him, and Jisung tried to count every single feature he absolutely loved about him.

He could feel his touch on him, almost giving him the same electric shock it used to give him when he did back then.

"I hate you, you know ?" Jisung said, speaking softly.

"I know" Minho responded, smiling sadly, but staring endearingly.

"I wish you could leave me alone, leave my thoughts, leave my dreams" Jisung added, the sight unbearable.

He had only looked back at him, still gazing so lovingly.

"Do you really wish you could ?"

He woke up abruptly, staring into nothingness as he thought about the last sentence his brain created for him.

Does he ?