When You Were Mine

Chapter 31

"MOMMY?"

Napasukan ko si Mommy Kath sa kitchen at nagtitimpla ng coffee.

"Coffee at this hour Mom?" Napatingin ako sa orasan. It was already 11 in the evening.

"For your Daddy, may tinatapos pa siya sa library so I had to give him coffee para magising." Sabi niya. "Ikaw, bakit gising ka pa?"

"Hindi po ako makatulog." I sat by the island counter.

"Gusto mo bang timplahan kita ng milk?"

Tumango ako and she took my usual mug na ginagamit at inumpisahan timplahan ng gatas.

"What are you thinking?" Ibinaba niya sa harap ko ang mug ng mainit na gatas at naupo sa tabi ko paharap sa akin.

"Me?" Takang tanong ko.

"Hindi ka makatulog kasi may iniisip ka."

Napabuga ako ng hangin at pumangalumbaba. "But...."

"Or maybe it should be a 'who' not 'what'?" She gave me that understanding look that only a mother can give. "He's back, I know."

Napalabi ako sa sinabi ng ina, she smiles her affectionate smile.

"I should be happy di ba Mommy Kath? He's back, I waited for him pero bakit—why can't I let myself be happy?"

"Take your time Kathy, huwag mo madaliin ang sarili mo, you're still hurting." Hinimas niya ang buhok ko.

"But why do I feel like everyone's pushing me to him?"

"Maybe because they wanted you to be happy, and you're happy when you're with him."

"I don't know Mommy, minsan naiisip ko na sinasabi nila ang arte arte ko kasi andito na nga siya umaayaw pa ako."

"They wouldn't know hun, they won't know the pain you're having right now. Yes you waited for him but you were also hurting in the process of waiting for him."

"Ang tanga ko ba Mommy na naghintay pa rin ako kahit na ako yung nasaktan at nawalan?"

She shook her head. "Lahat naman nagiging tanga kapag nagmahal. May mga nagiging desisyon tayo na tayo lang din ang nakakaalam at nakakaintindi."

A single tear escape na mabilis ko rin pinunasan. "Mahal ko siya Mommy, mahal na mahal pero hindi ko alam kung kaya ko na ba ulit magtiwala."

"Kaya mo, you're just afraid to."

"Pakiramdam ko kasi may kulang pa, hindi pa kami nakakapag-usap ng maayos. Ang dami dami pang kulang."

"That's what you need the most, a serious talk."

I licked my lips at hindi nakasagot.

"Kapag handa ka na." Patuloy ni Mommy Kath. "When you're ready to open yourself to him, then talk."

Parang biniyak ang puso ko. When I'm ready to open myself? Then it also means I have to go back again to the five agonizing years, handa na ba ako?

"Like I've said, take your time." Tumayo na si Mommy at hinalikan ako sa noo. "Drink your milk at huwag masyado magpakapuyat."

Tumango ako at pilit na ngumiti. "Goodnight Mommy Kath, and thank you."

"Good night." She kissed my forehead again. "I love you my Kathy."

PAGKAPASOK ko ng opisina ay may bouquet of sunflowers ulit na sumalubong sa akin na nakapatong sa desk ko, this has been a common thing in my morning now.

I put down my bag and pick up the sunflowers, walang notes na nakalagay as usual. Kumuha ulit ako ng vase at iniayos roon ang bulaklak pagkababa ay bumilang ako ng sampu.