Dear Diary,
This morning when I woke up, my first thought was about him, and it made me really sad. I think about him a lot, and it bothers me that, no matter how much time I devote to him, he will never be mine again.
It's true that I loved him, and I like to believe that he loved me too. That's what he told me the last time I saw him. He told me that he loved me. But then he left, so I can't be sure. I mean, you don't abandon someone when you love them.
I wish I could talk to him again. I wish I could ask him "do you really love me?" and then he would say "yes" and kiss me to prove it.
The only problem is that he'll never kiss me again. I know it seems like I'm being overdramatic, but I'm really not. You just don't understand what it's like to have someone like Liam in your life, and then to lose them.
I think I figured out why it hurts so much. It's because he's always on my damn mind. I can't even stop writing about him.
I apologize to anyone who ever reads this because none of my thoughts ever seem to go together. One minute I'm complaining about his absence, and the next I'm asking how much he loved me. I'm really sorry. It's just that my mind is all scrambled up. It's been that way since Liam left me.
I tried to make it seem like nothing was wrong when he left. You see, he didn't just say goodbye to me, he left all of us. He left me, and Scott and Kira and Mason and Stiles and Lydia, and it just hurts them all so terribly that it doesn't feel right to burden them with my pain.
I didn't miss a day of school, and there were some days when I ran into the bathroom crying, but everyone understood and none of my teachers ever yelled at me. I don't like being yelled at.
All of Liam's friends were sad for so long. It was hard to tell if they were as sad as me, and it was hard for them to tell if I cared at all because I put on such a happy face and smiled until my teeth felt like they were going to fall out. I must admit that I wanted one of them to talk to me, and I am aware of how selfish that is. Like I said, I never wanted to burden them.
It took a while for anyone to notice that the whole "I'm okay" act was fake. It was Lydia who sensed that I was hurting, and she finally spoke with me yesterday. It was a conversation I had long anticipated, and I blew it. I couldn't seem to tell her how I felt. You see, I've been having problems talking to anyone since Liam left, and that's why I've been writing so much. He was the only one I felt comfortable around. I knew that I could tell him when I was hurting. Lydia feels like a stranger without Liam here. They all feel like strangers.
I think that's enough writing for today. I still have a lot of emotions that I want to get out on paper, but my hand hurts so I think I'll have to close up shop.
So goodbye I guess. Thank you, diary, for listening. It seems like you're the only one who cares. I'm going to visit Liam later on. I haven't visited since his funeral.
