CopyCat | Bucky Barnes

25

"Tell them I was happy, And my heart is broken. All my scars are open. Tell them what I hoped would be impossible."

              - Impossible, James Arthur

I stuck the plastic card in the machine and waited. "What are you doing?" Bucky asks confused.

"I don't know, Steve gave me the card. I just put it in the box and then the box spits out money." I press some more buttons on the screen and it gives me a thick stack of twenties.

"That's weird." Bucky says furrowing his brows.

"I know." I reply. "Wait here, I'll get the tickets."

He nods and I walk over to the counter. "Two tickets to Beijing."

"Alright, here you go." She hands me the tickets and I give her the money. "Beijing is very romantic this time of the year." She says smiling and nodding over towards Bucky.

"He's not my boyfriend." I correct her and stomp away.

+

I don't really have a plan. I guess this is a figure it as we go sort of thing. Bucky didn't wanna come out of hiding, and that automatically made me responsible for hiding him from the rest of the Avengers.

I had asked him about just telling Steve, but he doesn't wanna see him. He still feels too guilty for nearly killing him back in Washington.

I'd sat up against the wall and stretched my legs out across the rest of the bench looking at the scenery outside, leaving Bucky to sit in the seat across from me in our box car.

"Do you miss it?" He finally speaks up.

"Miss what?" I say staring out the window, completely avoiding his gaze.

"Hydra." I narrow my eyes and turn my head to face him.

"Why in the hell would I miss Hydra?"

"I mean, do you miss being there, not remembering... Being a blank canvas." I understand what he means now and It kinda makes me mad.

"Yeah, I guess.... Didn't exactly have anything to feel guilty about back then." I hated Hydra, but when I was there I didn't have the burden of my emotions. "We didn't do anything wrong, you know that right?"

"Doesn't feel that way." I turn my head to look at him again, his face is sheer agony. I get up from my seat and move so I'm sitting right in front of him.

"It was mind control. We didn't have a choice." I reach out and take his hands in mine. "I'm so sorry for what I did to you, all of this, it's on me."

"How can you say that? You were being forced to do those things to me." He says looking up at me, his eyes full of sorrow and confusion.

"Because I didn't fight it, you did. I didn't even try to escape.... I wanted them to kill me." There are tears brimming my eyes and his too.

"Do you love me?" The words come out of his mouth and holding his hands seem so uncomfortable all of the sudden.

".... I did love you." I say after a minute. He clenches his fists and I can tell I'm upsetting him. He shakes his head and I freeze.

"Did I do something- I mean- did I-I do something to hurt you?" He asks sniffing. He looks like a kicked puppy in a trash can.

"No! Of course not, why would you think that?"

"Why else would you hate me?" He demands.

"I don't hate you, Buck.... I hate me. I ruined your life, it's not like I don't love you, but I can't let myself be happy with you, I just.... I don't deserve it."

I reach down my shirt and pull of the chain around my neck. I ball it up in my hand and force it into his palm. "I need some air." I say standing up and walking out.

AN: I'm gonna try and stop doing AN for a while, I'm so scared that I'm gonna give something big away.

Also, I know he isn't wearing a shirt in the pic I added, but it was such a perfect image of what I was seeing in my mind. Plus, who doesn't mind a little shirtless Bucky?