How to Lose your Best Friend

♡XXI♡

Eagle

I thought I'd be okay if Blair and I didn't go out. I guess I thought wrong. My head was overflowing with emotions that I didn't understand. I don't think I wanted to date him but something about our "breakup" didn't feel right. It felt like I was losing him and just let him leave.

The moment we turned away tears began to stream down my face. I wasn't quite sure why since we weren't really dating and it wasn't really a breakup. All I knew was that this wasn't okay, nothing was.

I wonder if he worded the situation differently if things could've turned out better. For example, if he just said something like "I like you but I'm so afraid to lose what we have. I think it would be better for the both of us if we could just be friends," then things might have gone way smoother. He didn't have to ask if I was okay if we didn't date. He didn't have to make it seem like I was holding on to something he wanted to leave. He shouldn't have done a lot of things but he did.

I don't understand why he didn't think of all the points he brought up before he asked me out. If he knew it'd ruin our friendship then why would he continue to ask me out?

In my mind I want everything to get better. I want to pretend nothing ever happened but I can't. He turned the tables making it seem like I'm the one who's holding onto the relationship and I'm the one who wants to date. When he asked if he hurt my feelings did he really want to hear the truth?

Yes, he did hurt my feelings. He hurt them a lot. It hurts that he led things up and made me think he liked me only to say we can't date. He was so afraid that it would ruin our friendship that he screwed up things in the moment to protect something that hasn't happened. Worrying about the future isn't a problem now. Other people may have had bad experiences but who says we would? If he wanted to just be friends why did he continue to pursue a relationship? 

I'll admit that maybe I did want something. I wanted everything to be okay more than I wanted us to be together. I thought we could withstand anything and no matter what happened we'd be best friends still. I don't know why he thought otherwise.

I wonder if I told him how I felt if he would tell me how he feels. I know him, and I know he's not okay. Perhaps it is better if we don't date but he didn't have to start all of these

So there's the question again. Did he hurt my feelings? Yes, he did hurt them. And I will admit it if he would just tell me how he feels. I don't know what he wants or how he feels unless he tells me. If he could just open up and I'd do the same.

Blair texted me later that day "I just want to get the point across that we shouldn't date. is that okay with you?" What do you even say to that? you can't really say no it's not okay.

"I'm fine about us not dating. I'm not fine about how you let this happen. we just need to talk." was what I decided to reply back. I didn't want to come off too harsh but at the same time, I didn't want him to get away with what he was doing.

I would've been fine if you stopped flirting before it got this far but you didn't. The night you asked to date I would be 100% fine if you said we couldn't do this and we should stop before it gets worse. but you didn't. You continued.

"Yeah I'm fine with that," was his reply. was it really fine? It wasn't for me."And what do you mean by letting this happen? just wondering," he said trying not to sound like an idiot who didn't understand. I don't think he grasped the fact that the whole situation was caused by him.

"You just should've thought about all of this before it happened," I replied as bluntly as you could put it over a text.

"Yeah, I should've. I'm really sorry about that," he admitted. I wasn't so sure how sincere that apology was but it was enough. I could never be mad at Blair and I hated it. No matter what he did to me I always seemed to love him anyway.

Sure, things could've gone better. But trying to prevent the friendship from being ruined created a bunch of unnecessary problems.