How to Lose your Best Friend

♡LXXXI♡

Eagle

I looked over to PJ and thought about all the things I could say to him. I could let him continue living in a fantasy. Thinking that he'll marry me and that Antonio was just a dream. He'd probably like that but it wouldn't be right to Antonio for me to let him lie like that. Another option was telling him how I felt a listening to the horrible excuse he could give me and continue living out my life with him next to me every second of the day. That wouldn't be right for me. I deserved to live my own life and I shouldn't have to worry about PJ's well being over mine. If I stayed with him lying to him about my love for the rest of my life I think that I'd go insane. Instead, I told him the truth and didn't interfere with anything he'd proceed to say or do.

"So that's what happened the night my parents grounded me," I said starting off the conversation. I thought the light mention of that night would spark something in his mind telling him to get serious.

"What?" he asked confused. Was he playing dumb or was in so far deep in his lies that he began to think that they were real?

"Peyton. That's your first name. When you didn't' show up to class Antonio threw a fit because you weren't there," I stated.

"And? Antonio's my best friend. It's only normal for him to worry about me," playing dumb I see.

"Him worrying about you isn't the problem. The problem is that he loves you and you're too blind to see that. All he thinks about is you and you throw him to the side as if everything he's done for you was nothing. And when he was weak and on the ground, he needed you to bring him back into the light not for you to shove your dick up his ass and pretend it didn't happen," I explained trying not to get mad about the situation. When I looked over all of these ideas in my mind I thought that I'd be fine saying them out loud and discussing them.

Why was I getting so defensive for Antonio? Sure, we were friends but we were never really that close. Was it because I felt bad for him? Or as it because I knew exactly how he felt. Falling in love with someone who would never love you back and watch them use you as you just played along because you were starving for affection. He let PJ play with his emotions and his body just like I had let Blair do to me. I wanted to feel loved but I knew what he was giving me wasn't love. But it was the closest thing we could get to feeling loved so we took it.

"How the hell did you get that from Antonio being worried about me in class?" he asked throwing me back into the topic at hand.

"Does it matter how I know? You're not that hard to read and you're both complete wrecks. Additionally, you've left so many hickies on me I can recognize the ones you left all over him." I said rolling my eyes. I was beginning to get mad. That's the worst thing to do when arguing with someone. Both parties should be able to talk in a civilized matter. But once emotions get involved everything goes haywire and it's nearly impossible to steer the conversation back to sanity.

"If you're mad that I cheated on you I'm sorry. I know it was wrong and I should've thought about what I was doing. But, Antonio's my best friend. He's a guy and it meant nothing to me. You're the one I love and I want to be with you not him," It didn't matter who he cheated on me with. It could be a stranger, his neighbor, the person he sits next to in science, or even his best friend. The point is that he cheated and he was in denial.

"I'm not mad that you cheated on me. I'm mad that you never told me. You tried to hide your mistake and lie to my parents telling them that I was failing school. That I could forgive, but you never owned up to it. What I can't forgive is the fact that while you were busy getting all hot and heavy with Antonio I was in my room scared and frightened while Blair was forcing himself on me!" I shouted not realizing how upset I had become. I haven't discussed what had happened with Blair to PJ yet and I don't think that right now was the best of times to do so. I was becoming enraged and I couldn't calm down.

"Blair assaulted you? I had no idea. Why didn't you tell me?" Why didn't I tell him!?

"You never asked. You didn't care about what happened to me because you were too busy hiding the fact you cheated on me," I declared bringing my voice back to a quieter tone.

"Eagle. I never meant for any of this to happen. Going down on Antonio was a mistake and if you want you and I can have sex too to make up for it." just when I thought that my anger's fuse was blown out he just had to light it again. Was he fucking serious?!

"PJ. What the actual fuck is wrong with you? Is sex the only thing you ever think about? I thought that you changed since last year but I guess I was wrong. That one's on me but you still continue to ignore all your mistakes. When you screw up you're supposed to learn from what has happened but you're too blind to even mend your problems. I thought that I could forgive you but now it's clear to me that you're the same person I left before and I should've never taken you back." I responded in the calmest way I could possible. I didn't shout and no one turned around to look at us. I just stared into his eyes showing him that I was sincere.

I could've lied to him and accepted his shitty apology. I could've let him screw me just so he could prove to me that he truly loved me and only me. I could've apologized for blaming him just so he could gain control of the conversation again. But I didn't. I was done being controlled. What I should've done was say no when he asked me out again. I could've helped him without getting myself involved in a relationship with him. I was weak but I wasn't going to give into his pressure again. Instead, i let him walk away and I didn't follow him. I let him leave and I thought that was the end of us.

Prom ended, everyone went home, and I returned back to my hideout. PJ wasn't there and I had the room all to myself. The night was over and I could finally relax. It could've gone better but it most definitely could've gone way worse.

I began to fade away into the night visiting different dream worlds as the night's clock ticked away. That was until my phone sounded and woke me up. I looked at the time. I believe it was about 4 am. I sighed and went back to sleep when a spam of texts was sent my way. I eventually got tired of ignoring them and looked to see that they were from PJ.

"I love you."