How to Lose your Best Friend

♤LXXXV♤

Antonio

It felt like forever having to wait in traffic as PJ was rushed to the hospital. We weren't allowed to follow the ambulances so it took us about 5 times longer to get to the hospital. When we finally made there my mom was recognized as PJ's somewhat guardian and I was permitted to enter his room.

Inside Eagle waited next to him gripping his lifeless hand in hers. I knew she wasn't in love with him but it was clear the love she showed for him. She truly cared for him and I was wrong to ever question her feelings towards him.

The doctor popped his head in for a moment to inform us that PJ's life would be coming to an end. For me, it wasn't a surprise but to Eagle, it sounded like a shock.

"This is all my fault," she admitted jumping to conclusions.

"How so?" I asked truly confused. I saw them run out together and I assumed something happens but I never thought that anything they could fight about would make him end his life.

"I got mad at him for being with you and he said that we could just have sex to make up for his behavior. I told him it upset me and we walked our separate ways. I didn't realize that it would all lead to this. I should've just let him do what he wanted. If I just listened none of this would have ever happened," she confessed. She had no right to blame herself for something PJ chose to do. PJ has always been unsteady and it was very hard to control his behavior in any type of way. He was unpredictable in a way and I always felt like that could be the end of him.

Antonio sighed before saying, "no matter what you did I've always had a feeling that this is how he'd end. I didn't want to believe it but not that it's happened it's made me realize the reality of the situation. I couldn't save him from his own self-pity and you shouldn't have all the pressure to do so on you. You've never loved him and no one should be forced into being with someone forever. PJ ending his life because of it was his decision, not yours," I said trying to reassure her.

"Thanks," she replied not totally convinced that I was telling her that from my heart. There would be times that I'd wonder about PJ and how everyone around him truly affected him. To him, I didn't mean much. But Eagle. She was his everything. Yet, even she couldn't save him.

"For what? I've done literally nothing this whole time. I'm just stating the obvious,"I shrugged.

"Everything. While PJ may not have been able to see everything you've done for him, I have. You gave him hope and you were his candle when everything around him was dim. You gave him a new perspective on life and I'd never seen him so happy to be living. Sure things like his family issues and everything that he hid inside couldn't be helped by either of us. But we tried. We did all we could for him and I guess that's all one could really ask from their friends," she replied. Did she believe that I really meant that much to PJ? If everything I'd done for him helped him so much why'd it have to end like this?

"But, he still killed himself," I told her admitting that was floating throughout my thoughts. It was the biggest thing on my mind and whatever I tried to think about to distract myself went back to that. I gave him hope and the thoughts of a future she says. But he still killed himself. She made him happy. She was his life. But he still killed himself. He could be the happiest person ever or the saddest one in the universe. No matter what it seemed like it would all end in the same way. PJ killed himself and there was nothing anyone could do to stop him.

"I guess you could put it like that. But I don't think he did this on purpose. While he was obviously upset about what had happened at prom I don't think it was something he wanted to die over. While you two were apart we'd grown quite a strong bond and the small things weren't a huge deal to either or us. I think his death was an accident. He's always been a hardcore drinker. Some might call him an alcoholic. But I don't think he planned to kill himself with the same drinks that made him forget." How could PJ not do this on purpose? He knew how much he was drinking. It was mar more than he'd ever drunk before. The amount he consumed tonight was at least two times the amount he would normally drink when he got upset. There was no way he didn't see death at the end of the tunnel.

"People drink to forget and I think that's exactly what PJ was trying to do. He was drinking to forget that everything he'd done in the past month was real. Him cheating on me with you. Him denying it and doing nothing about it. Then when he was faced with the truth of the situation he said some dumb things in hopes to just save his ass."

"I get what you're saying. But how does this all have to do with him not committing suicide?" I still didn't understand. Part of me wanted to believe that PJ did plan to kill himself. Because if this truly was an accident he could've been saved.

Killing yourself is something long and planned out. A mere accident is preventable. If this was an accident that means it could've been stopped. If I had just checked up on him after he ran out of prom. To see if he was okay and to stay the night with him. But I didn't.

"PJ wanted to forget his memories. He's done it in the past many times before as I'm sure you know of. He drank himself asleep with the same amount of liquor he'd drank at parties. He's always been an enthusiast of all kinds of drinks. But when he was with you he went clean. He didn't drink for quite a long time and while he was with me I don't recall him drinking either. His body hadn't tasted the sweet sensation he loved for far too long and what might have seemed like a normal amount to him was too much on his body. The withdrawal and regain of alcohol in his body consumed him which consequently lead to his death," she was right. Everything she was saying was correct. It all made sense. Yet I didn't want to believe it. I don't think I could bare to accept the truth.

"Well, he's not dead yet. There's something I've been meaning to tell him for a while," I announced as I walked over to PJ's bed. Eagle followed me and I let her say a goodbye to him before I said my own. I wanted his last moments to be filled with love and affection provided by the two people who cared about him the most when he was alive. Most importantly, I wanted the last thing for him to hear to be the one thing I'd always struggled to spit out.

"PJ, you've changed my life like no other and you taught me what it's like to be loved. That's something I've never felt before and always searched for in the wrong places. I'm sorry that I was never able to show you the love that you deserved."

Eagle's goodbye was short and sweet. I don't think she needed to say anymore or any less. What she said was something he needed to hear. We had a moment of silence before she looked over at me. It was my turn to say goodbye.

"PJ, I always knew that we'd someday reach this position. I wanted to believe that I could save you from the inevitable but that was clearly impossible. I'm going to try not to repeat everything we've been through because that would take forever. I've done a lot for you but part of me feels like you've done more for me than I could ever do for you. You gave me something to look forward to. You gave me someone to care for. My life's bland and nothing much happens to me. that was until I met you. You gave me a sense of energy and enjoyment. You also gave me emotions. Emotions that I'd never felt before until I fell for you. I never planned on it at first. But after spending so much time with you and watching how much you've grown as a person throughout the past years. I guess I just couldn't help falling for you,"I let out a deep breath as I squeezed his hand. I felt a sense of relief knowing that I was able to say all the things that I'd been keeping hidden inside my head. There was only one thing left to say.

"I love you."

I said I loud, clear, and without stuttering. I meant it and I wanted him to know. I then proceeded to lean in to kiss his lips. The moment they seal all his life was taken out of him in one foul swoop.

I never thought we'd have our last kiss and I most definitely didn't imagine that it would end like this. At least my name would forever be on his lips. I was his last kiss.