How to Lose your Best Friend

♡LIII♡

Eagle

I don't like the way people stare at me as I walk down the hallways of the prison I call a school. They think I'm blind to their glances and deaf to their rumors. I try to keep my head up high remembering that these people didn't know me. They had no idea what I go through every night and how hard it is for me to wake up in the morning. They've never bothered to get to know me and what they thought of me was solely based off of rumors that their minuscule minds were so easily fooled by.

As PJ and I took our walk of shame I scoped out a few familiar faces. I watched as Blair stood silently not making a peep and refusing to make eye contact with me as I passed by. I also found Antonio amongst the group but something about him seemed off. His expression was different. The Antonio I knew would've come over to PJ and I in an instant asking what happened and wanting to share every detail I provided to him with the world. The Antonio I saw hidden in the crowd looked as if someone had just stabbed in in the gut with a knife. He looked hurt and I couldn't see why he'd be upset over PJ and I got back together. I thought that he'd be happy for PJ. Weren't they best friends after all?

"Is she really back with that guy?"

"Yeah, I heard he showed up at her house or something begging her to take him back."

"I heard he assaulted her back in freshman year"

"I heard that too. Why would she ever get back to him?" were just a few of the murmurs I heard through the horde of gossip hungry teenagers. To answer their questions, yes, I was really back with "that guy." Has he a name you know? No, he didn't show up at my house or "something." He did not beg for me to take him back either. It was my choice to get back together with him.  Yes, he did somewhat assault me in freshman year and I don't think I'll ever be able to forget that. Why would I ever get back with him? After all the things he's done to me you'd think I'd be smart enough to make a better decision than taking him back. The thing is, I'm not smart and I don't use my common sense. Sure, I forgive people way too easily, I felt bad for him, and I could tell how vulnerable he was at the moment but those weren't the only reasons I got back with him.

In a way, I'm just as messed up as him. Aren't we all a little messed up in our own ways? Everyone makes mistakes and nobody's perfect. Through the mass of people I could hear comments asking why I'd "let myself back into a toxic relationship." Sure, our relationship wasn't the best but I wouldn't consider it toxic. Even if it was toxic I don't like how quickly everyone is to jump down my throat about taking PJ back. To all the potheads in this rundown school, do you smoke weed because you like the taste or do you do it to make yourself happier? And to all the alcoholics, do you drink because you think that beer will help you forget about everything or is that aftertaste really that good? Lastly, why did I get back with PJ? It's because when he's not forcing himself on me he makes me happy. He cares about me in a way that no one else does and once you know what it feels like to be loved you never want to let it go. People will go through anything just to feel happy and sometimes those ways aren't the best ones but they get you to where you want to go. Don't they?