How to Lose your Best Friend

♧LII♧

PJ

Ever since my dad pulled me out of school I lost connection with everyone. The first reason would most likely be because he smashed my phone under his laced back combat boots the moment I received a call from Antonio. The second reason would have to be the fact that he hasn't let me out of the house. The sole reason he pulled me out of school was to maintain the liquor store but I haven't even stepped foot in there since the beginning of summer. I've been trapped inside my room for the past week banging my head against the wall wondering when my life would just end. The third reason and probably the one I'm least proud of would have to be simply because I don't want to. It's not like I want to walk back into school just to have people who never bothered to ask me how my day was to be jumping down my throat about my problems. That partially included Antonio and I feel like an actual douchebag admitting it. All he wants to do is help but sometimes I'd just prefer it if he'd leave me alone.

When people tell you that things will get better, everything happens for a reason, and everything will turn out okay, in the end, it's most likely because they don't actually want to deal with your problems. They throw in an automatic life gets better quote hoping that it will cheer you up but it just ends up making you feel worse. It's weird to admit but sometimes positivity isn't what you want to hear. When you're depressed it's hard to believe that life will ever get better and hearing the same overused comments just adds to your reasons not to go on. From time to time you just need someone to bathe in your sorrow with you so you're not dealing with your problems on your own. I didn't need someone telling me that everything will clear up. I just needed someone to listen to me. When someone tells you to be strong they don't realize what it's like for you. They don't realize that breaking down every night just pushes you closer and closer to the edge and their positive remarks aren't helping anyone besides themselves from avoiding a "negative" conversation.

When my parents beat me to a pulp and leave me out to die it's not the beating that hurt. It's the emotional trauma that they leave me with that really effects me the most. I'd prefer broken ribs, ripped flesh, and bruised bones over their words anyway. When they first told me I was worthless I didn't believe them. That's when I actually believed in myself and I didn't let their words affect me. Too bad I started to believe them. I guess it's hard not to when they remind you of what a failure you are on a daily basis.

It took quite a while for their words to become my behavior and it took even longer for that behavior to turn into a recurring habit. The only thing that wasn't prolonged was for their words, thoughts, and habits to turn into my destiny.

When I was younger I once asked my parents to buy me a hat for my birthday. I was probably around 7 at the time and it was the most important thing to my younger eyes. Of course, they said no. Being 7 I didn't understand why they wouldn't get it for me and I was devastated. When I asked them why they wouldn't get it for me they returned my question asking why I even wanted it in the first place. Being young, dumb, and innocent I responded with a simple "because it will make me happy." I thought my response was golden and it was going to be a sealed deal for them to buy me the hat. To my surprise, they didn't flinch and responded with something that changed my whole perspective on life forever. My mother told me "you can't think like that. You can't believe that any one thing will make you happy. You'll get bored with it. You'll become tired of it and want something new. And will that new thing make you happy? No, because the process will repeat itself over and over again. You will never be satisfied with anything that you have therefore you will forever remain unhappy."

I didn't think much of her lecture as of the moment and proceeded to ask again if she would buy me the hat. Surprisingly she changed her mind and bought the hat for me. It was the happiest moment of my childhood and was one of the first times I became "truly happy." But, she was right. My happiness evolved into boredom and I wanted more. I wanted something more than the mere hat and just like she said the process repeated itself.