How to Lose your Best Friend

♡LXXXIV♡

Eagle

I wasn't sure what I was doing in the back of an ambulance. How was my presence supposed to help anyone in any way whatsoever? All I was doing was taking up space and they really should've taken Antonio in instead of me.

I saw a few people checking his pulse and setting him up to a machine to see if his heart was beating. I watched the monitor as well and to everyone's luck where was a small spike in the line showing that his body was still alive. It was slow and it only came up every now and then but at least it was there. It was the only sign we had.

We arrived at the hospital in how time and PJ was rushing into a room. I overheard the discussion of possible stomach-pumping but all they seemed to do was hook a few devices up to him and a small bag with some type of fluid.

It was only a matter of time until Antonio arrived and the doctor both gave us the news we weren't looking forward to hearing. They believed that his life was at its end and there wasn't anything they could do to save him. The alcohol was seeping too far into his veins for their medicine to do anything and his body wasn't responding to anything. They gave us some time alone with him to say our final goodbyes but we were told that it wouldn't be long until his body full gave out.

"This is all my fault," I said looking at my shoes. I couldn't tell if Antonio blamed me or not for the situation so I decided to blame myself before he got the chance to.

"How so?" he asked.

"I got mad at him for being with you and he said that we could just have sex to make up for his behavior. I told him it upset me and we walked our separate ways. I didn't realize that it would all lead to this. I should've just let him do what he wanted. If I just listened none of this would have ever happened," I answered.

Antonio sighed before saying, "no matter what you did I've always had a feeling that this is how he'd end. I didn't want to believe it but not that it's happened it's made me realize the reality of the situation. I couldn't save him from his own self-pity and you shouldn't have all the pressure to do so on you. You've never loved him and no one should be forced into being with someone forever. PJ ending his life because of it was his decision, not yours."

"Thanks," I replied. Hearing those words of reassurance really helped relieve a bit of my anxiety.

"For what? I've done literally nothing this whole time. I'm just stating the obvious," he responded wiping his eyes.

"Everything. While PJ may not have been able to see everything you've done for him, I have. You gave him hope and you were his candle when everything around him was dim. You gave him a new perspective on life and I'd never seen him so happy to be living. Sure things like his family issues and everything that he hid inside couldn't be helped by either of us. But we tried. We did all we could for him and I guess that's all one could really ask from their friends," I said letting out a deep breath. The night had gone by in a flash. One moment I was at prom and by the next I was lying on the liquor store floor with PJ's life in between my arms. Now I sit at the end of his hospital bed waiting for his heart to stop.

"But, he still killed himself," Antonio whispered. He didn't want to say it too loud most likely because he didn't want it to be true.

"I guess you could put it like that," I responded, "but I don't think he did this on purpose. While he was obviously upset about what had happened at prom I don't think it was something he wanted to die over. While you two were apart we'd grown quite a strong bond and the small things weren't a huge deal to either or us. I think his death was an accident. He's always been a hardcore drinker. Some might call him an alcoholic. But I don't think he planned to kill himself with the same drinks that made him forget." I stated as Antonio began to look up from his position of staring at the floor.

"People drink to forget and I think that's exactly what PJ was trying to do. He was drinking to forget that everything he'd done in the past month was real. Him cheating on me with you. Him denying it and doing nothing about it. Then when he was faced with the truth of the situation he said some dumb things in hopes to just save his ass."

"I get what you're saying. But how does this all have to do with him not committing suicide?" Antonio asked still confused.

"PJ wanted to forget his memories. He's done it in the past many times before as I'm sure you know of. He drank himself asleep with the same amount of liquor he'd drank at parties. He's always been an enthusiast of all kinds of drinks. But when he was with you he went clean. He didn't drink for quite a long time and while he was with me I don't recall him drinking either. His body hadn't tasted the sweet sensation he loved for far too long and what might have seemed like a normal amount to him was too much on his body. The withdrawal and regain of alcohol in his body consumed him which consequently lead to his death."

Antonio looked at me for a quick second. His eyes were red. His cheeks were flushed. Yet, there was still a look of determination on his face.

"Well, he's not dead yet. There's something I've been meaning to tell him for a while," Antonio said before moving to the side of PJ's bed.

Antonio said I could say my goodbye first since he'd rather save his for last. I felt a bit of relief knowing that my words weren't going to be the last thing he'd hear before he'd die but I still I couldn't think of the right thing to say. Unlike Antonio, i never knew how soon PJ's life would end. I guess I never thought about it. Maybe because I haven't seen him in this position before or maybe because I was too busy worrying about myself.

"PJ, you've changed my life like no other and you taught me what it's like to be loved. That's something I've never felt before and always searched for in the wrong places. I'm sorry that I was never able to show you the love that you deserved."

I kept it short as Antonio proceeded to say his goodbyes. I knew I should've said more but in the moment my mind was at a blank. I'd just watched as his body moved from the liquor store to an ambulance, to a hospital bed. You'd think that I'd have more to say.

I looked over to PJ's heart monitor to see the waves of life beginning to slower and slower. I turned to Antonio to see him holding PJ's hands on his own as he said the words he's been waiting to say. He finished his goodbye with a kiss on PJ's lips right before PJ's life ended forever.

I watched as nurses came back into our room and they moved Antonio and I out into the hallway. I couldn't bare to turn back and see what was going on inside the room. I don't think Antonio could either. Instead, we embraced each other wrapping our arms around each other for comfort. It was obvious we both needed it. While I never was in love with PJ I honestly did love him as a person. It hurt to see his life end so soon. I couldn't begin to imagine how much it hurt for someone who was actually in love with him.