How to Lose your Best Friend

♡XC♡

Eagle

His death was a loss but it wasn't in vain. His life wasn't well lived but his presence will still go on. Some would say that I'm evil that I'm not grieving his death but I'm just being honest. I'm not going to lie and say that he will be missed dearly by everyone around him when it's only likely that it'll be noticed by Antonio and myself. I'm not going to say that my life is over and that nothing will be the same since he's gone. I'm not even going to say that I was in love with him. What's the point in lying to someone who's already dead?

PJ wasn't well known. If it wasn't for Antonio being the talk of the town PJ no one would've heard of him before his death. Even still, most people won't remember him. They'll go his funeral and give Antonio and I their thoughts and prayers. I mean, that's what you're supposed to do. Right? People make up for their lack of support while someone was alive by being with their loved ones through their death. In a way, I guess they're doing it out of guilt. Their consciences tell them that they needed to attend his funeral because they saw what a mess he was when he was alive but did nothing to help him. Soon, his death will die down. The news will move onto a new case and PJ will be long forgotten by everyone except Antonio and I.

Without PJ my life will still go on and it will most likely get better because of it. I sound like an absolute dick but think about it from my perspective. I was with him because he was unstable. He was in the middle of the road waiting for someone to run him over. I wasn't going to leave him there and I had to get him out of harm's way. I was peer pressured into dating him again and our toxic relationship began once again. When we were younger he'd push me past my boundaries and while I went along with whatever he wanted he could tell that I wasn't a fan. Not that it mattered because he was getting what he wanted. I left him when he assaulted me and I was about 2 minutes too close to being raped. I thought that he would change and he did. He stopped forcing me and I did things out of my own free will. He changed some of the ways of his past but he still remained blind to everyone's emotions around him.

Antonio loved him but he was too blind to notice that as well. He but Antonio through so much emotional trauma without ever knowing. I guess you can't blame him if he had no idea but you'd think that some common sense would slap him in the face eventually.

He used Antonio's body because he knew that he was never going to get mine. Antonio was weak and gave in. who wouldn't when the person they love is right there in front of you begging for you to let them in. I was never mad at him for cheating on me since my feelings for him we never existent. I was furious that he used Antonio and he still had no clue. He wouldn't listen to a word I said and assumed that I was mad at him for cheating.

PJ never stopped to think about how he was affecting people. He was too worried about what he screwed up in the past that he couldn't think about what he was ruining in the present.

Am I in love with PJ? No. Was I in love with PJ? No. Will I ever be in love with PJ? I doubt it. I loved the way he felt about me. How he treated me when he wasn't being a dick. How he truly loved me when I was never capable of loving myself. He showed me what it was like to be loved and I'm forever grateful to him for that.

I don't think I could ever be in love with him and I'm not a horrible person for that. You can't make yourself love someone and sometimes no matter how hard you try to be in love with someone you just can't. But, that doesn't I didn't love him. Loving someone and being in love are two completely different things and that's okay.