My Superstar 0.1 [#Wattys2020Winner]

MY SUPERSTAR 29

Lumabas ako ng banyo pagkatapos kong maligo. Hindi ko alam kung ilang minuto o oras ang itinagal ko sa loob ng banyo. I looked my self in the mirror, I have swollen eyes dahil siguro sa pag-iyak ko kanina. Kinuha ko ang concealer sa bag ko, sinubukan ko kung kayang madala ng concealer ang pamamaga ng mga mata ko.

Nadatnan ko na nagsisimula na siyang uminom sa living room. Tumabi ako sa kanya at kinuha ko ang bote ng alak at nagsalin sa baso ko.

"Yuri, why me? Why not Yoongi or Hobi?" Nagulat ako sa tanong niya, hindi ko inaasahan na magtatanong siya ng ganon. Lasing na ba siya?

"I don't know. There are a lot of reasons for me not to love you but I can't understand myself why I kept on coming back to you".

Tumingin siya sa mga mata ko. Hindi ko mabasa ang emosyon niya kaya ako na lang umiwas. Pagka-ubos ko ng isang baso ng alak, nagsalin ulit ako. Nakakaisang baso pa lang ako pero pakiramdam ko umiikot na ang paligid ko.

"Thank you so much for loving me Yuri". Tumango ako sa kanya, sinandal ko ang ulo ko sa couch at pinikit ang mga mata ko.

"They said alcohol helps you to be numb. Why until now I can still feel the pain?" dinilat ko ang mga mata ko.

"Jin, why not me? Why Ji Woo? Is it because I'm just a nobody or is it because I'm not pretty and sexy?" hindi ko alam kung saan ako kumuha ng lakas ng loob para maitanong ang mga bagay na yan sa kanya.

"You're beautiful. I got a crush on you the first time I saw you. That day when I first saw you--you're walking under the sunlight and you're not even afraid of getting a sunburn. The cool summer breeze that blows your long and wavy hair. The way you smile when you tried to play with the sand using your feet. I noticed everything on that day and I can still clearly remember everything because I considered it as one of the sweetest memories I had in Siargao".

Biglang tumulo ang luha ko ng marinig ko ang sinabi niya, pano ko ba makakalimutan ang araw na yon? Ang araw nong una kaming magkita. Pinahid ko ang mga luha ko.

"I've known Ji Woo since we were 8 years old. I have a huge crush on her. We stopped communicating with each other when I became an exchange student in Australia. When I came back from Australia I heard that they migrated to the US. Then, after my vacation in Siargao. The day after I came back in Korea that was the day I met her again and we started dating. I'm sorry".

Hindi na ako nagsalita ulit. Nagsalin ulit ako ng alak sa baso. Hanggang sa hindi ko namalayan na sobrang napadami na ang nainom ko.

"Yuri, I'll bring you to your room". Tumango ako sa kanya, halos hindi ko na maidilat ang mga mata ko sa kalasingan. Naramdaman ko na lang ang dahan-dahan na pagangat ng katawan ko galing sa couch. Pinasok niya ako sa kwarto at pinaupo sa edge ng kama.

"Do you need anything? Do you want coffee?" tanong niya sa akin.

"I don't need anything. I need you Jin".

"We are both drunk Yuri. I think it's better for us to sleep and let's continue to talk tomorrow". Lumapit siya sa akin para alalayan akong makahiga.

I grabbed the collar of his shirt and kissed him. My heart skips a beat when I taste his lips--a combination of mint and whisky. After few second, he responded. His lips brush mine not innocently but like a tease but hot, fiery, passionate and demanding. I want to pull away before I lose myself but I can’t seem to control the urge of kissising him. I know I  will regret this but I want to spend this moment with him.

I ran my fingers down to his spine, pulling him closer until there was no space left between us and I could feel the beating of his heart against my chest. I removed my dress and looked at him. "Yuri, this is wrong". I kissed him again and started removing his shirt and unbuckled his belt. I couldn’t get enough of him. I felt his hand on my back trying to remove my bra, I was dizzy and broken but I didn’t care. I didn’t want to sleep, I wanted the ache. I wanted him in me, even just for tonight. His weight on top of me.  I wanted to watch his face. I wanted his sweat to drop onto me. I’d never done it before. I couldn’t really believe I was doing this. I watched him removing his pants, I don't know but seeing him naked infront of me is just too much. His well toned thighs and abs. How can I resist him? He climb into bed again and positioned himself on top of me. "We will regret this Yuri". I cut him off by putting my finger into his lips. He started kissing my lips again down to my neck. His strong and gentle hands began to stroke me, his lips and his tongue. It's a gentle touch. He started kissing my peak and sucking it, I felt like I'm ready to explode. I don't know if how many times I scream his name but I just can't stop wanting him and needing him more.

He started moving on top of me, I felt something was ripped and shattered inside of me. He stopped moving and wipe away my tears "I'm sorry"..

"It's okay". He took another thrust again. I took and met each thrust, it's still painful but there's a tickling sensation that wanted me to feel more. My moaned turn into pleasure. I hugged him tight and biting down on his shoulder, my nails clawed into his back. He moved inch by inch, his pace quickened inside me to the point where I can't stand it any longer. He collapsed on top of me because of exhaustion. He kissed my lips passionately.

Lumipat siya ng puwesto sa tabi ko. Walang gustong magsalita sa aming dalawa, hindi ko alam kong anong sasabihin ko. Hindi ko rin alam kung anong gumugulo sa isip niya. I covered myself with a white linen sheet, hindi ko alam kung pano ko siya kakausapin.

"Jin"..

"Hmmm?"

"Let's talk".. humarap siya sa may direksyon ko at nagkatinginan kami. Halata sa mukha niya ang pagod at ang pagkabalisa.

"Let's talk tomorrow okay? We need to sleep now". Sagot niya sa akin. I tried to reach for his face, pero umiwas siya.

"Yuri, don't make this hard for us. I'm sorry if I didn't control my self but this is wrong. This all wrong. I love Ji Woo and I felt like I betrayed her".

Hindi ko naman hihingin sa kanya na panagutan niya ako at hiwalayan niya ang gf niya. Pero yong iparamdam niya sa akin na parang sising-sisi siya sa nangyari, parang paulit-ulit akong sinasampal.

"I will not ask you to break up with her, I know you love her. You don't need to worry because you can still marry her".

Narinig ko ang pagbuntong hininga niya. Tumalikod ako sa direksyon niya, hindi ko na napigilan ang mga luhang pinipigilan ko kanina pa.

Tumayo ako galing sa kama, pumasok ako ng banyo. I felt sore. How I wish this cold shower can wash all the pain I felt inside, how I wish it can cure all my invisible wounds. Lumabas ako ng banyo na tanging roba lang ang suot hindi ko alintana ang lamig na nanggagaling sa ac ng kwarto, kumuha ako ng sweat pants at isang puting hoody jacket at nagbihis. Lumapit ako sa kama, tulog na tulog na siya. Nakita ko ang marka ng dugo sa kama. I smiled bitterly. Kumuha ako ng malinis na kumot para kumutan si Jin, hindi man lang kasi siya nagbihis. He's lying on my bed naked, hindi man lang nahiyang matulog ng nakahubad.

Pinagmasdan ko siya, wala na akong pinagkaiba kay Mia. I gave myself to the man I love. I gave myself without asking anything in return. Nagsisisi ba ako? Hindi. Kahit kailan hindi ako magsisi na nagawa ko to, kung ano man ang kalabasan ng karupukan ko na to..haharapin ko ng mag-isa. Lalabas na sana ako ng kwarto ng bigla siyang magsalita.

"I love you"..

Tiningnan ko siya ulit. Nakapikit ang mga mata niya, nananaginip ba ako? Para sa akin ba yon? Humakbang ako palapit sa kama, akmang gigisingin ko na siya ng bigla ulit siyang magsalita..

"Ji Woo". 

I should have know. Hindi para sa akin yon, para yon sa girlfriend niya. Umatras ako sa kama at lumabas ng kwarto. Sumasakit ang ulo ko at medyo nahihilo din ako kaya naisip kong maglakad-lakad muna at magkape. Starbucks lang ang alam kong cafe na nagooperate ng 24hrs na malapit sa condo kaya naisip kong don na lang pumunta.

Umupo ako sa isang sulok tangan ang kapeng inorder ko. Hindi ko alam kung anong uunahin ko..ang sakit na nararamdaman ko pisikal o ang sakit na nararamdaman ko emosyonal? Lumabas ako ng starbucks at bumalik ng condo pero naisip ko na mas makabubuti na makapag-isip din muna ako. Kinuha ko ang susi ng sasakyan at bumaba ulit ng building.

Hindi ko alam kung san ako pupunta. Gulong-gulo ang isip ko. Gusto kong umiyak pero parang napagod na ng kusa ang mga luha ko sa pagpatak.

Tiningnan ko ang relo ko, mag-aala una na ng madaling araw. I looked at myself in the rearview mirror and I look horrible. I forgot to comb my hair, I have swollen eyes and huge eyebags. Hininto ko saglit ang sasakyan then, I tied my hair into messy bun.

I will be okay.

Kailangan ko lang talagang makapag-isip kasi hindi ko na kaya ang bigat na nararamdaman ko.