My Superstar 0.1 [#Wattys2020Winner]

MY SUPERSTAR 22

Hating gabi na kami nakabalik sa villa. Pakiramdam ko parang bumabaliktad ang mundo ko. Sobrang nahihilo ako kaya inalalayan ako ni V hanggang sa may pinto ng kwarto namin ni Jin. "Noona, do you need anything? You want coffee?" Umiling lang ako sa tanong niya. Gusto ko ng mahiga. Kinatok ni V ang pinto ng kwarto namin.

"Jin hyung, open the door". Pagkatapos ng ilang segundo, bumukas ang pinto at tumambad sa amin si Jin. Bagong paligo siya at nakasuot ng bt21 sleepwear.

"Jin hyung, take care of noona Yuri". Bilin ni V sa kanya, pumasok ako sa kwarto at dumiretso ng banyo. Hinubad ko ang lahat ng damit ko at tinapat ang katawan ko sa shower. Maybe a cold shower can help me to feel better. Patapos na ako ng naalala ko na wala akong dalang towel at damit. Kapag nakainom ba talaga bukod sa nagiging matapang ka nagiging tanga ka din? Pano ako lalabas ng banyo? I slightly open the door and tried to hide myself, tinawag ko siya.

"Jin". Pangtlong beses na tawag ko sa kanya ng lumapit siya sa may pinto ng banyo. "Do you need anything?" Nahihiya man ako pero kinapalan ko na ang mukha ko kesa naman lumabas akong nakahubad diba? "I forgot to bring my towel and clothes. Can you please get it for me?" Narinig ko ang mga yapak niya palayo sa pinto, pagkalipas ng ilang minuto bumalik siya at tinawag ako. "Yuri, I have here your towel and your clothes. I don't know if the clothes I choose is okay but if you don't like it just tell me..I'll get another one". Isa-isa niyang binigay sa akin ang towel at damit ko.

Parang gusto ko na lang lumubog sa kinakatayuan ko ng makita ko yong underwear na napili niyang isuot ko. Lacy black see through bra and bikini. Pero at least matino ang pantulog na napili niya, black sweat pants at white sando.

"Is it okay?" Tanong niya sa akin sa labas ng pinto. "Yeah..thank you". Lumabas ako ng banyo, nakita ko siya sa may couch habang nagbabasa. I saw the colorful envelopes scattered on the table, maybe he's reading fan letters.

"Do you need anything? Like coffee or tea?" Tanong niya sa akin ng mapansin niyang hinihilot ko ang sintido ko.

"No. I'm good". Lumabas ako sa veranda ng kwarto namin. Kanina lang antok na antok ako pero nong nakaligo na naman ako biglang nawala ang antok ko. One of the most precious moments when you are having a vacation is when you got the chance to view God's perfect creation just like what I am seeing right now. Dumako ang tingin ko sa dalawang tao na nasa gazebo---it's Jimin and Angel. Jimin is hugging her from behind. Katulad ko nakapantulog narin sila, baka nagpapahingin lang para magpaantok. Angel is an ordinary woman like me but it's nice to know that Jimin fight for their relationship and never let Angel gives up on him. I witnessed how they treasure each other. Sometimes, I wonder why some of them are afraid to take risk for love, they are getting everything in this world--love from their fans, attention, fame, recognition and of course luxury. Is that enough? Is that enough to make them happy?

Why is it so hard to love a superstar? Is it because of their status? Is it because they are afraid that their fans might not support them anymore? Kapag ordinaryong tao ka lang ba talaga dapat don ka rin sa kapantay mo lang?

When I decided to gave up on Jin. I realized that loving a superstar is far from a fairytale. A fairytale will always end up 'and they lived happily ever after'. I'm hoping that Jimin and Angel has an exemption.

"I'm sorry for causing you so much pain and for taking you for granted. I'm sorry for pushing you away and for not appreciating your existence". I know it's him. Bakit ganon? Bakit kahit humihingi na siya ng tawad sa ginawa niya bakit ang sakit pa rin? I should be happy right now because he acknowledged his mistakes from the past but why is it until now the pain still lingers into my being?

"I'm still keeping the portrait that you gave me". Wala akong lakas ng loob para tingnan siya, nakakapagod na din kasi. Hindi ko alam kung ano ba talaga ang dapat kong maramdaman? Gulong-gulo ang isip ko.

"Can I hug you?" Lumingon ako sa kanya. Dahan-dahan siyang lumapit sa akin. Nong nasa may harap ko na siya, niyakap niya ako ng mahigpit. I don't know if its his shower gel or his soap but his smell is so intoxicating and adictive. I love him so much and it's hurting me. No matter how I tried to forget him, I always keep coming back to him. Everytime I stepped backward, I'll always end up stepping forward to get close to him just like this. Kahit pigilan ko na hindi maiyak, hindi ko mapigilan ang tuloy-tuloy na pagpatak ng mga luha ko. "I still love you. I always do. I never stop loving you". Dahan-dahan niya akong binitawan. "I'm sorry but I can't love you back. I already have a girlfriend and I love her". Parang paulit-ulit akong sinasaksak ng narinig ko ang sinabi niya. Tumango ako, alam ko naman yon eh. Alam ko naman na mahal niya ang girlfriend niya at wala naman akong planong sirain sila. "I will not ask you to love me back, I'm not selfish you know that. I just want to let you know that I never stop loving you that even if I'm hurting so bad..its okay as long as you are happy". Pinahid niya ang mga luha ko at niyakap niya ako ulit. "I'm sorry..I'm really am. I want to see you happy with someone else. I'm not the right guy for you because..you're too good for me". Sana ganon lang kadali ang lahat, sana sa simpleng sorry kaya ng tanggalin non ang bigat at ang sakit na nararamdaman ko.

"You're a wonderful woman. I admire your strength and your determination in reaching your dreams and I'm so proud of you. I'm sorry if I can't give you the love that you deserve but believe me I tried..I tried giving us a chance but I think the timing just ain't right. It's hard on my part pushing you away but that's the only way to stop what we've started. Yuri, you know how much I love BTS. I love them just like they are my real brothers. I don't want to get involve in any controversy because a mistake of one member,it reflects on the entire group. I will never get tired saying sorry over and over again because I know it's my fault but I think it will be better if we stay as friends".

Nanlalabo ang mga mata ko dahil sa luha pero gusto ko sabihin ang nararamdaman ko. Siguro hindi kami nagkaron ng closure dati kasi wala naman kami. All this time, ako lang ang nagassume na meron pero wala naman talaga. Nakalimutan ko na si Kim Seok Jin nga pala siya, hindi ordinaryong tao. Ang ilusyunada ko kasi kaya ako nasaasaktan ng sobra ngayon.

"You know what is the reason behind why I worked so hard and pursue my dream to become a famous fashion designer? So that one day you can be proud of me, so that one day you will not be ashamed once you introduce me as your girlfriend. So that one day, our world can meet halfway. So that one day, there's YOU and ME".

Parang sasabog ang puso ko sa sakit kaya tinalikuran ko siya. Lumabas ako ng kwarto, hindi ko kaya ang sakit para akong paunti unting pinapatay. This is not a good idea. This vacation is not a good idea. Dapat hindi na ako sumama.

"Noona, what happened?" Nagsilapitan sa akin ang members. Hindi ko sila masagot kaya paulit ulit lang akong umiiling. Niyakap ako ni V ng makita niyang sobrang magang maga ang mga mata ko.

"I need a walk". Kumalas ako sa pagkakayakap ni V at dali-dali akong lumabas ng villa. Sumunod sa akin si JK, V at Jimin. I started running as fast as I can, gusto ko mapagod ng sobra. I want to feel empty and numb kahit ngayong gabi lang. Hindi pa ako nakakalayo ng maabutan ako ng tatlo. Nakalimutan ko kung sa leg power man lang wala talagang makakatalo sa kanila kaya ano ba yong tulin ng takbo ko kumpara sa tulin ng takbo nilang tatlo. Napaluhod ako sobrang pagod, inalalayan akong makatayo ni JK at V. "Noona, what happened? Stop crying". Niyakap nila akong tatlo. "Is it Jin hyung?" tanong sa akin ni Jimin. "We will always be here for you noona". Hinaplos ni V ang ulo ko. Ganito pala ang pakiramdam kapag may kapatid ka na nagaalala sayo.

Niyaya nila akong umupo sa buhangin. Kinwento ko sa kanila lahat-lahat. Ilang minuto sila natahimik.

"Noona, if you love the person fight for it. That's what I did for Angel. There will be bashers but at the end of the day the important thing is your happiness. Our true armys will understand us, they will still love us even if we already have girlfriends because that's normal right? We will fall in love; we are also a normal human being. We love, we get hurt. Maybe you and Jin hyung are not really meant for each other". Pagbibigay opinion ni Jimin.

"Noona, we really appreciate Jin hyung for always choosing us first but we want also to make him happy and if he's thinking that it might affect our career we can deal with it not individually but as a group. It's not impossible for an idol to have an ordinary girlfriend. Komento naman ni JK.

"Yeah. Just like Jimin and Angel". Pagsang ayon naman ni V.

Bumalik kami sa villa pagkalipas ng dalawang oras. Pumasok ako ng kwarto, tulog na si Jin ng madatnan ko. Pinagmasdan ko siya, ang lapit niya lang pero ang hirap niya parin maabot.