My Superstar 0.1 [#Wattys2020Winner]

MY SUPERSTAR 36

Jin's POV

I woke up early. I want to see my son before they left for London. The moment I saw him after our concert is like I'm staring myself in the mirror. I had his pictures---his baby pictures, his 1st birthday pictures and a lot more. The members gave it to me. I really want to hug him, I really want to say sorry the moment I saw him and Yuri but I don't know how to start. I don't know if they will acknowledge it because I know my action towards them is very unacceptable.

When the members told me that Yuri is pregnant I got confused. I was torn between pursuing my career as an idol or be responsible enough to face fatherhood. I asked our agency if what should I do and they adviced me to support them financially and I did but Yuri declined my help. I was so coward, I was afraid of the judgment of our fans not knowing that Yuri was suffered from too much depression, she fought the battle alone. I messed up again..for the second time around. I am so greatful because of the members. They've done so much for me. They love and care for JD as if JD is their own son. They never get tired loving them--loving the mother of my son and JD as if it's their responsibility.

Ji Woo and I broke up because I caught her with another man. I don't know but I think it's a wake up call. I think..karma is trying to tell right into my face that I don't have the rights to be happy because of what I did to Yuri and JD. I was so hurt that time and wanted to end my career as an idol but I had a serious conversation with the members and I will never forget what RM told me.

"Hyung, you just broke up with her..it's not the end of the world. Yuri suffered enough compared to what you've been through but she still chose to live the way she wanted her life to be".

I want to reach out to her. I want to talk to her but I don't know what to say. I don't know how can I explain my self because I was afraid to be rejected. I want to give JD a present during his birthdays but I always end up just keeping the gift instead of giving it to him because I don't know if how can I answer him if he will ask me something about me and his mom.

I arrived at exactly 4 in the morning. They are all busy preparing for their flight. JD hugged and kissed me on the cheek the moment he saw me. He's wearing a BT21 RJ romper. I think this was given to him by Yoongi. He's very cute.

"Are you going to go with us daddy?" I wish I could but we have a very tight schedule right now. We need to go back in Korea as soon as possible because of our scheduled photoshoots, tv guestings and awarding events. I carried him and make him sit on my lap.

"I can't but don't worry because daddy will make it up to you. We will spend Christmas together". I hugged him tight. I want to hug him, I want to make him feel that I regret everything--that I regret not being with his mom during his first step, first birthday, first word that he uttered, first school day, first achievement in school and of course during his mom's struggle when she's giving birth to him.

"Promise daddy? You'll going to spend Christmas with us? I love you daddy". I got teary eyed when he embraced me. I felt like I am floating in the air when he tried to wrapped around his small arms into my neck.

"Where is your mom?" Since I arrived, I still didn't notice her. I talked to Mia and Angel few minutes ago.

"She's in the bathroom daddy". I asked Mia to take care of JD, I walked across to her bedroom. I am already infront of her bedroom's door, I tried to compose my self. This is hard. The moment I was ready to knock on her door when suddenly the door opens. I saw her--standing in front of me with a confused look. She has a wet messy hair, bare face, and bare foot. She's holding her shoes in her left hand while holding her phone in her right hand, I think she's trying to call someone. She's wearing a white loose long sleeves and black jeans---very simple like her personality. Even before I met her in Siargao, I already find her attractive and the funny thing is that she's not even aware that she's beautiful. I like her simplicity. She loves me but I chose to let her go. I hurt her but she still chose to stay. She tried to embrace my life, she tried to reach for me but I didn't gave her a chance and I regret that. Am I too late? I don't know but there's a part of me wanting to hug her. I want to feel again the feeling of tranquility everytime I feel her arms embracing me.

I hugged her and she flinched. Maybe, she's not expecting this and I don't expect this either. I felt her hand caressing my back and it sends shiver down into my spine.

"Jin, uhhmmm. Are you okay? I'm in a hurry. We really need to go".

I let go of her and looked at her. I remember the time when Yoongi told me that I will regret everything I did to her and maybe he's right. Maybe, I was a jerk back then. I wasn't able to see how special she is and it took me years to realized all of these things.

How can I redeem myself? How can I ask her if she still love me? How can I make it up to her? How can I make her love me again? What if she's already tired loving me? What if she already found someone else who can give her the things that I refused to give her?

"I'm sorry..uhmmm, I woke up early just to see you before your flight".

"I see. Are we going to talk again? Is this about JD? If this is about him, you don't have to worry because you can visit him anytime".

I really wanted to tell her that this is not all about JD. This is also about us but I can't find the right words to tell her what I wanted to say. I followed her in the living room.

"Yuri, can I take you to the airport?" I want to be with them even just for an hour.

"Mia will be the one who will take us to the airport. I can just asked her to take Angel instead".

I took their luggage and put it in the car. This is the first time I'm going to be with them. He sits on the passenger seat and took on JD. I helped her fix her seatbelt as I noticed that she was having trouble fixing it.

"You're still wearing that?" She pointed out the necklace I am wearing. This is the necklace she gave me before, I never get rid of it because I can't remove it.

"Yes. I did not take it off even though our stylists were telling me to get rid of it". I don't know how to open a conversation because I don't know what I'm going to tell her. I also feel like she's a bit distant. I tried to focus on driving until I was surprised by JD's question.

"Daddy, why are you not with us at home? My classmates are with their mommy and daddy. Why are you not with us? Mommy says you're busy because you're an idol but why is that my titos spend their vacation with us sometimes? They are also an idol like you daddy right?"

This is one of the questions I avoid because I don't really know what to answer.

"Baby, your daddy is busy compared to your titos because your daddy has also a business just like mommy. I already explained to you before that even if we're busy it doesn't mean that we don't love you. We love you that's why we're preparing for your future. Mommy and daddy needs to work hard for you". I mouthed her "thank you" for saving my ass off to our son. I will make a way for me to have time with them. I will try to fill my shortcomings for me to be able to be a good father to him.

"I'll make it up to you JD. Daddy, will make sure that we will have enough time with each other". I held his head and fixed his hair. When we arrived at the airport, suddenly I felt sad and it's as if I did not want to let them go. I kissed JD on the cheek before they got off the car. I helped Yuri to remove her seatbelt.

"I'm sorry I can't carry your luggage because someone might recognize me". She nodded and smiled at me, she was one of those I met with the best smile.

"Daddy, can you kiss mommy? Mommy, can you kiss daddy?" We were surprised at what JD said. I slowly reached her head and kissed her forehead.

She moved closer to me and kissed me on the cheek. She still uses the same perfume. Her scent is a mixed fragrance of lavender and vanilla.

JD and I embraced again before they dropped off the car. "I'll wait for you daddy. I love you".

"I love you too son".

I waited for them to enter the airport before I left. I felt a sudden burden in my chest as I saw them go and enter the airport. I'll make sure to patch up all my mistakes from the past, I hope it's not too late because I badly needed them in my life.