HeartBREAK

Chapter thirteen

"Maureen, get up, we'll be late for breakfast.", Maia said. "I won't go.", Maureen replied. MAia frowned:" What do you mean? Are you not going to have any breakfast?" Maureen laughed:" Yeah, I will, I got some chocolate chip ice cream yesterday after practise, it's in our fridge. I guess I'll just eat two of those." Maia bit her lip:" But why wouldn't you have breakfast with everyone else downstairs?" Maureen rolled her eyes:" Isn't it obvious? I am not stupid, I see all those judgy looks." "What do you mean?", Maia lied. She very well knew what she meant. "Don't act stupid Maia. You very well know everyone is giving me those looks because of the portions I eat." Maia sighed and sat down next to her- this was the moment to have the talk:"But maybe they aren't wrong. For sure you can have sweets or junk food sometimes but you have to keep track of your weight. It's part of the job." "Summer break was the best time of my life. I threw my diet plan out of the window and just ate what I wanted. Do you know how good it feels, Maia? Do you know what it feels like not counting calories and just eating because you want to. Eating food for the sake of tasting something good, actually enjoying food? All of you are hungering yourselves to death and you have no idea what you're missing. We all are underweight. Even with the ten pounds I gained throughout summer break I still am at the lower border of normal weight. It's not healthy." Maia nodded:" I know it's not healthy. The diet isn't. The movements aren't. What is healthy about pointe shoes? It all isn't healthy. But our health is a sacrifice we have to make in order to perform." Maureen laughed in devastation:" Oh, and what if I am not willing to make that sacrifice? Do you know how much better I have been feeling with the +10 pounds? I don't get as exhausted that quickly, I have more energy, I look better. I feel better. I am happier. My period is coming regularly, my skin is better- I am better." Maia smiled weakly:" I can imagine. You're a beautiful girl, Maureen. And it takes a lot of strength to break out of such a judging community like the ballet world. But you will have to decide- professional dance or food. You can't have both." "Why not?", Maureen asked desperately," What if I die tomorrow and have never eaten a chocolate cake- is it worth it?" Maia shrugged:" That's your decision- for me, yes. I can't imagine life without professional dance. I want ballet. It's all I have ever wanted. And for me it's worth the sacrifices. But if it isn't worth it for you, that's okay. You can still dance. Just not here." "Why not?", Maureen asked angrily. "Because you are the only one responsible for taking care of your body. But if you don't, you're not the only one to live with the consequences. Think about partnering- with every pound of weight you gain, you are making it a lot more difficult for whoever you are dancing with. And I am not only talking about lifts here, I am talking about supportet jumps, I am talking about group dances, floor figures- I am talking about everything where you don't dance solo." Tears filled up Maureens eyes:" But it's so hard, Maia. I don't want to give up dance but I also don't want to give up my happiness. I don't want to be scared of food anymore. I want to see it as something beautiful, not as something evil anymore. I used to be anorectic five years ago. I have never been that upset. And now, I am at my happiest." A tear escaped Maias eye and she pulled Maureen into a hug. " I know this isn't easy.", she said striking Maureens back, running her fingers through her soft hair, "But you will have to make a decision. You will have to try. You will have to talk to Raphael." Maureen let go and looked Maia in her eyes:" Will you help me?" Maia smiled and nodded:" I will try. But you will have to decide what you want to do. You can drop out by midterms if that's what you want. Or you can make that sacrifice for another year and actually graduate NYABM with a medium standard. Then it all hasn't been for nothing. But if you decide to stay until the year is finished, you will have to learn to control yourself. You will have to lose weight. You will have to sacrifice." "Okay.", Maureen sobbed, "But can you tell Raphael?" Maia frowned:" Why don't you want to tell him himself?" Maureen started blushing:" Because I think I like him. And I am afraid he won't like me back if I tell him." Maia smiled brightly:" Of course he will! That just shows strength. Be a strong girl. Tell him about your problem. Maybe he can support you too." "You don't think he will find it silly?", Maureen asked with a glimpse of hope in her eyes. "I am sure he won't. Raphael would go through hell in order not to hurt you.", Maia ensured. "Thank you.", Maureen whispered and puller her into a hug. "Always.", Maia said, "Now come on, let's get downstairs and have a healthier breakfast than ice cream." Maureen nodded and got up. She was so happy she finally talked to someone about it. Even though Maia and her were roommates, they haven't really bonded yet. In fact, they have never really had a conversation. And she missed having real conversations with people. People that listened and gave advise. People that actually understood what her life was like. People who more or less related to her situation. Maia could be her first real friend at NYABM. Living on the outside, she never bonded with anyone else than with Raphael. But he most often was hanging out with Simon, Alec and Maia. Maybe they would include her? "Are you coming?", Maia shouted. "Be right there!", Maureen replied with a wide smile on her face.

Maia and Maureen, huh? Is that a friendship we never thought we needed? Absolutely. Are we loving it? You tell me!