HeartBREAK

Chapter twenty-eight

"Raphael, Maureen, I have to speak to you.', Valentine said after training, "I have noticed your difficulties with the choreography and I need you to get it together. That's why you have no lessons this evening, I booked training room 3 for you so you have all evening to work on that partnering- I need it to be perfected by the end of the day. Whatever your problem is- solve it. Do what you have to do. But get it done." 

"Okay, let's go, then.", Maureen sighed and they started practicing. An hour later Raphael called for a break. "I'll go to the bathroom, be right back.", he said and left. Sweat was running down his face. The past hour they did nothing but practicing and there was no outcome at all. In fact, it got worse as they got tired and demotivated. Raphael sprayed his face with ice cold water from the sink- when did all of this happen? Last year was hard, but it was so different. He wished last years problems back. The past days, lying in bed at night with an ice pack on his back, doing homework and nearly falling asleep he asked himself why he was here. Why was he doing this to himself. He didn't have to quit dance, he could easily switch to an easier academy and do just fine there- but he didn't. He couldn't. "Your years at NYABM will be the best and worst of you lives. You either break and never get up again or you break and get stronger. either way, you break. It will be the best torture you will ever experience. I would do anything to go back and get tortured like that again.", A former NYABM dancer tweeted 10 years after graduation. He made it big. He was the idol of every upcoming NYABM dancer. Everyone wanted to be as successful as he was. And that tweet was memorized by pretty much every student in the academy. It was a mantra and Raphael felt like he had to remind himself of why he was here. No matter how hard and painful it sometimes was, he loved this place more than anything. And in order to love it as much as he used to, he had to make one very tough call. "Maureen, can we talk?", he asked as he returned. "Sure.", Maureen replied and sat down next to him. Raphael took a deep breath- this had to happen. "You know I think you are the most beautiful girl in the world, right?", he continued and she blushed:" I do. But where are you going with this?" Raphael cleared his throat:" Listen, I need to say something, for my own good. And for our good. And if it hurts you I am so sorry, and you need to know this is really uncomfortable for me.." "Say it already.", Maureen interrupted, her voice cold as ice. A shiver went down Raphaels spine:" You need to lose weight." Maureen looked at him in disbelief. "I am sorry.", Raphael said but Maureen cut him off:" You may be my boyfriend, but my body is still my choice." Raphael shook his head:" Not what I meant! I am not saying this as your boyfriend. As your boyfriend, I love the way you look and I wouldn't change a single thing. I am saying this as your partner. Your colleague. We have to separate our personal and professional lives and this talk is professional." Maureen bit her lip:" Why. I mean, it's still my body." Raphael nodded:" I get that. But our partnering combo is not working, like at all. And I see you struggle all the time. Things you haven't struggled with last year. And I feel every pound you put on and it makes it harder. Listen, I think you are beautiful. But you are too beautiful for Ballet." Maureen bit her lip. He could see tears welling in her eyes. "It's so unfair.", she whispered. Raphael nodded:" I know. But it is what it is and if you want to make this work-" "You will have to starve yourself. Be unhappy. Because that what this is to me.", Maureen exclaimed, "I don't want to choose between my happiness and my success. The way I am now, I am happy! I love my body! I developed a healthy relationship with food which I had lost for many years. I fought my eating disorder, I kicked bulimia's ass. I started enjoying food. The taste of it. The way it makes me feel. The sweet bitterness of chocolate. Food used to be my worst enemy, it were only calories. Now, food is my friend. Food means enjoying life to me. And now that I finally overcame my inner demons, my passion is regulating my body- again?" "Maureen, I-", Raphael tried to calm her down but she was unstoppable:" Listen to me! When I was eleven years old my puberty hit early and I looked chubbier than the other girls in the studio. I was called fat, heavy, clumsy... I stopped eating, I started puking. It was a slow process, and recovery was an even slower one. Last year I was on a high, I defeated all the other girls by going to NYABM. I reached my goal. But it was pressuring me. Do you understand what I mean? I wanted to be free, own my body and leave my past behind. This summer I finally learned how to enjoy food. Do you knw how sweet lemonade is when you haven't had anything but water for the past five years of your life? Do you know how delicious a cheeseburger is if it doesn't taste like vomit a few minutes after having it? It feels like I have been reborn, given a new life. I feel like I finally learned how awesome life is! And I am not going to give that feeling away!" Raphael swallowed hard. Tears escaped Maureens eyes but he didn't feel like he could hug her right now. He was almost there. He had to pull through. He had to say it:" Then you will have to give your career away." 

Heyyy beautiful people! I hope you have an amazing day! For me this day is definitely special as it is June 4th aka my birthday so yayyy for me! This chapter holds a very strong message so I found it only appropriate to upload it on this special day. EveryBODY is beautiful. I struggle with body insecurities too, it's normal. But it shouldn't be. That's why I want to remind you of being kind to yourself because you deserve it! Also I wanted to raise awareness to the body dysmorphia issue in the dance community. Luckily, I never had to be in such a toxic environment as I am dancing in a small, non-competitive studio in my hometown but it still is a enormous issue in the professional world. I think Maureen is a very strong character and fits really well into the story but let me know what you think of her! Anyways, just wanted to give you a little input and share some of my inspiration, if you like it I will do that more often. Remember to stay safe with the pandemic and the riots- 2020 is just crazy so take care of yourselves!

XOXO AllyMaii