𝑻𝒉𝒆 𝑱𝒐𝒌𝒆𝒓 & 𝑻𝒉𝒆 𝑨𝒄𝒆 (hisoka x reader x chrollo)

Falling

"You stayed" you whispered quieter than a mouse as you woke up in Chrollos sleeping arms.

You watched him for awhile as he slept. His lips stayed soft as he breathed your scent in and out while he dreamed. Watching Chrollo didn't ease you completely though. His peaceful touch didn't seem to be enough to make the pain go away. Your trauma all flooded back in the waking of an impossible day. As much as you hated Hisoka for all the pain he caused you, you still couldn't deny that you didn't still love him through out all of it. Love is complicated, but isn't it not supposed to be? Isn't real love supposed to make you utterly happy? Or is that what people who lie to themselves, who are slaves to the one they 'love' say? Or is that wrong too? Maybe your only perspective of love has made you think that love isn't perfect. Who truly knows what love is? Who truly knows how it can seep back into your heart with someone who hurt you?

Love... that stupid word. How can loving someone be so difficult? Why can't I just give all my love to Chrollo? That's all I want but somehow I can't. I hate it. I want it to end. I wish I was just some mindless zombie who could chose how my feelings feel. My mind is my greatest weakness, I can't seem to ever beat it. My consciousness contradicts itself and I just want it all to stop. I don't want to move until it stops. But what if it never stops? What will I do then? I feel like...like I can't see. I can't see and decide what's right or not. I'm blind and...and I hate feeling so worthless. I'm so fucking worthless. But I don't want to be, I just want to see clearly.

You laid there in your thoughts as you drowned, you drowned deep down again. But this time it was yourself who made you drown, maybe it was your fault both times? It doesn't matter, your dying, you can only drown so many times and survive it.

"Good morning"

Chrollos words snapped you back to reality.

"Hi, good morning, did you sleep okay?" You asked nervously.

"Sure" He said distantly.

"Do we have anything planned for today?" you tried to ask eagerly to distract your burning feelings.

"I'm sending a group out for the first auction today, your not attending, neither am I, you can do as you please." His response seemed cold.

You nodded blankly. You took slight offense to his words, you've shown your need for independency to him before, but you liked his protectiveness. You wouldn't complain about this, it'd make you seem like a hypocrite, but you knew something was wrong with him.

"Chrollo?" You asked softly.

"What?" He said harshly as he looked down at you laying on his chest.

You sat up on the bed, pulling away from his distant touch. Your posture was perfect as your frustration with Chrollos attitude grew.

"What's your problem?" You said straightforwardly.

"I have many, would you like me to list them all?" He said sarcastically to piss you off.

"Do I fall under the category of 'one of those problems'?"

"You've certainly created some if that's what you want to hear." He said unashamed.

"What the hell did I do? My outburst yesterday? It was wrong I know, but you of all people should understand why my emotions took over. Your one to talk to, you stabbed him."

"Huh, now your defending him? How pathetic Y/n." Chrollo shook his head with a raging grin as he got off the bed and walked away towards the bathroom.

You got up quickly and ran over to the front of the bathroom door and blocked Chrollo from entering.

"Your an asshole you know that?" You said as a singular tear fell from your cheek after hearing the words you'd been telling yourself come from him.

"Can you move? I don't have the time for this" He said blankly.

"No, I'll just add another problem to your list, tell me where all this is coming from Chrollo?"

"I kissed you last night, after you drifted off to sleep, I've done it almost every night. I thought maybe it'd rid you of your nightmares and give them to me if I kissed you once while you slept. I did last night, your lips, they tasted different."

Your eyes widened and your stomach sank deep as your mind traveled back to the regretful kiss you gave him back. The tricky part that really made your mind itch, was that you wondered, if you really regretted it?

"Chrollo, I-"

"I don't want to hear it, I'll get over it, but I won't be with you if this is one sided." Chrollo cut you off as he spoke honestly.

"It's not one sided, it could never be one sided. I've let go of the past, and I love you Chrollo."

"I'm glad to hear that, but don't lie, you haven't completely let go, and I can live with that, I guess" He responded.

"I'm not lying."

"Then how would you react if I killed him right now?" Chrollos eyes grew in complete seriousness.

Your eyes looked back at him in fear. You remained silent.

"Your expression says it all Y/n. All I ask of you is to stop lying to me, please." He sighed.

"I'm sorry." You said as you moved from the doorway and leaned against the wall.

"Don't apologize." Chrollo said as he slammed the bathroom door. The shake it rippled to the wall made you jump as your eyes went blurry.

You couldn't read his expressions at all. You couldn't tell if he despised you or actually wanted things to change. Regret and sorrow deepened within the strings of your soul. You fell deep. Your body fell numb as you crawled back under the covers. There you sat, creating hatred of yourself that consumed any energy you had.