Ignore Danke

'Friend Date'

(Done on PC)

Where to, Cas?

They've been sitting in the car for a moment, and Cas still hasn't said anything. Dean is getting anxious.

"You OK, buddy?"

He realizes it's a stupid question. Of course Cas is not OK. But Dean just needs to hear it. He needs to know Cas can at least say he's OK, even after everything he's been through as a human. Even after everything Dean has put him through... Dean tries to swallow down the lump in his throat. He can barely stand the sadness in Cas' eyes as he turns to meet his glance.

"I just... I just don't think I'm doing very well as a human."

"Come on", Dean says, overdoing the carefree tone a little. Not sure if he tries to sound carefree for Cas or himself.

"What makes you think that?"

"It seems like, with everything I try", Cas begins, frowning, "I seem to be a failure. Life as a human doesn't seem to make much sense to me. Apparently I can't even get a date night right."

"I'll take you on a date", Dean blurts out, forgetting all rationality in his desperate need to see Cas smile again.
"I mean, a friend date", he adds quickly as Cas turns to look at him with a confused look on his face. "Doesn't have to be that different." Dean shrugs, and smirks at Cas.

And there it is. Cas' smile. It's small and tired, but soft, and it makes unnamed warmth spread across Dean's chest.

-

So Dean takes Cas to a burger place. The funny thing is, it really is a little like a date. They sit in a corner table, engrossed in a conversation about their likes and dislikes, and the conversation isn't completely without some awkward first-date silences either. Dean has to break one silence by telling Cas that.

"So that's the point of a date?" Cas says, his face lit up with joyful realization. "To simply learn more about the person?"

"Well, yeah, I guess so", Dean says. "Although, I believe most people go on dates to get laid."

Right after he finishes the sentence, he realizes that he is technically on a date with his male best friend who's apparently very eager to learn everything about dating, and he feels a blush rising up to his cheeks. He's happy Cas doesn't seem to notice. The ex-angel is looking confused again.

"Really?"

"Well, often, yes. At very least, they expect to be kissed."

What the hell is wrong with you? Dean askes himself as he tries to hide his blushy confusion by taking a long swig of his drink. Cas is staring at him, looking like he's taking mental notes, and Dean's pretty sure the tips of his ears are bright red by now.

He could clarify that this is not that kind of a date, but he doesn't. Cas must have understood that anyway. He clears his throat, and changes the subject.

-

Dean invites Cas to his motel room for a nightcap. "Because what's a date without a nightcap?" he tells Cas. In fact he doesn't know anything about date procedures. The truth is he just wants to keep Cas by his side for as long as possible before he has to drive back to Kansas and get used to living away from him again. A hateful voice inside his head keeps nagging about how it all is his own fault. He drove Cas away. To this shitty life he clearly isn't enjoying, but still seems to be doing better than Dean. Dean tries to shrug these thoughts off. He goes to the minibar and pours Cas some whiskey.
They sit on the edge of the bed in silence.

"Dean", Cas says quietly, staring at his drink. "Can I stay here for the night? I don't... I don't want to be alone."

Of course that's OK with Dean. He digs out the extra pillow from the closet. He's suddenly overcome with an overwhelming urge to take care of Cas. He wants to provide him with food and drink, and wrap him in warm blankets and call him sappy pet names that are for Cas' ears only. But he knows those urges will never be satisfied. He can never be what he wants to be to Cas. So he pours him another drink and offers him a candy bar, and tells him to go under the blanket and keep warm.

"I'm not cold, Dean", Cas says, a little amused. Dean doesn't know what to say. He offers Cas one of his T-shirts.

"Really, it's more comfortable to sleep in", he explains. Cas takes it with gratitude which makes Dean melt. Still he can't bring himself to say anything. He never does. He doesn't know how to word these things. Feelings, whatever. So he runs a hand through Cas' messy hair instead. Cas gives him a surprised look.

"Just go to sleep, Cas", Dean says, as if it was an explanation.

"Yes", Cas says, glancing at the clock on the wall. "You're right. I have to be up in 4 hours. I'll just go and brush my teeth first. I know how to do that now", he adds with a proud smile before the closes the bathroom door behind him. Dean smiles, but the ache in his chest makes it fade away quickly. He tucks himself to bed and closes his eyes.
Is this guilt? If it is, it's much more painful than any guilt he's ever felt.
In a few minutes, Cas crawls into the bed beside him, and switches off the bedside lamp. Dean stares at the darkness. He feels like he's about to burst. He has to let it out. Let some of it out.

"Cas, can you ever forgive me?" he says, his voice small and strained.

There is a brief silence.

"Dean, there is nothing to forgive", Cas says gently.

Dean hasn't noticed he has been holding this breath. He inhales and feels like he can breathe properly again. Cas has forgiven him. Just like Dean always forgives Cas. If there was anything similar about the way they felt for each other, it must be the unwavering willingness to forgive; the ability to see the good in one another and hold on to it.

"Good," he says.

"Thank you for the date, Dean."
Cas is moving closer in the darkness, and suddenly Dean feels a pair of soft lips on his cheek.

"Goodnight," Cas whispers.
A quick, tender brush of lips, so light it's almost unnoticeable. Dean has to lie still for a moment to decide if it really was there.

He has to accept it was. And then it hits him. It isn't just guilt he's feeling.

Fuck. I'm in love.

And then he starts crying.

They are silent tears at first. Slowly they evolve into gaspy sobs that Dean has no control over.

Cas sits up and switches on the lamp.
"Dean? What's wrong?"

Dean wipes his eyes. He wants to punch himself.

"Maybe one day I'll tell you", he manages to say, and wraps his arms around Cas, burying his face into his shoulder. Cas doesn't say anything, he doesn't ask any more questions, and Dean is grateful for it. Cas' hand moves gently up and down his back, which feels more comforting than probably anything ever. Soon Dean's tears dry out, and he pushes Cas gently to lie down on his side. He positions himself behind Cas, pulling the blanket over them, before draping an arm around Cas' waist.

"Is this OK?" he asks, even though he knows it is.

"Of course", Cas replies. "I hope I can give you comfort", he continues after a long silence, "and that whatever it is that gives you so much pain, will be gone soon. And I hope you can talk to me about it if you feel like it."

Dean smiles bitterly into Cas neck.
"I'll be fine, Cas. Just get some sleep."
Dean has almost forgotten how good it feels to fall asleep with somebody in his arms. But he also knows it will never feel the same with anyone else.

-

The morning comes too quickly. Dean is alone in bed when he wakes up. Cas comes out of the bathroom, wearing his work clothes and a concerned face. Dean is almost embarrassed. Last night seems more and more like a dream with every passing second of this unbearable realness. By the time they say goodbye in the merciless morning light in front of Gas n' Sip and Dean drives away, it's almost like yesterday never happened.

But the memory of Cas' lips lingers on Dean's skin.