Untitled

Deep

I'm having a really hard time right now. I know there are people going through worse but I just can't help it. I can't bring myself to smile all afternoon. I was on Instagram, and as a fangirl and YouTube addict, I follow youtube on Instagram. Today they posted a picture of Mitch and Scott, and I went to leave a comment about how I loved them, and there were so many homophobic comments in there. It blew my mind. Naturally, I commented back at someone and said if they didn't have anything nice to say, to not say anything. Usually, when this happens, people argue, and the homophobics stop commenting eventually. But it was like a flood of hateful words and bible quotes about how gay people should die. I was overwhelmed. Don't get me wrong; I am only 14 but I have figured out that I like boys. But I feel really strongly about gay rights. My friend came out to me last year and he is still in the closet. I can't help but think how he would feel everytime I read these comments. They make me so sad and I feel hopeless. On top of that, my dad just got out of the hospital and I just found out something that made me upset. I don't want to be one of those girls who gets upset about boys, but I can't help it, I'm human. Here goes. I have had a crush on this guy for almost a year. It didn't start as a crush, just thought he was cute. I didn't allow myself to wonder what would happen if we went out, becuase I have trained myself to not hope for what I can't have. But I remember me and this boy were in a group walking around town last spring, eating ice cream. My friend, who happens to be a boy, hates my crush, and he was in a bad mood this day becuase unknamed cute boy was there. My three friends were behind us, and I was walking with this boy. He asked me if everything was okay with my friend, and I said yes. Obviously it was a lie, and he knew. He said, "he hates me, doesn't he?" And I said, "I don't know, maybe." And we laughed and then I looked at him. He was already looking at me and I smiled, and looked away. It was so cliché and so perfect. But I still didn't allow myself to like him. Untill a couple months later. I was sitting with my guy friend and my other friend in her bedroom, they were dating. At this point I had given up a hope that he liked me; he was going to our formal dance with another girl. I heard a rumor that he was choosing between two girls, but i didn't allow myself to think I was the other one. But me and my two friends were sitting on the bed chatting, and I happened to mention this boy and how cute he was. My guy friend went completely red, and my girl friend told him to tell me. I said, "tell me what?" He followed by asking, "you know how _____ was choosing between two girls for spring fling?" I said "yes?" He then told me, "the other one was you." I think I screamed. I'm laughing just thinking about it. I asked, "damn! Why didn't he choose me?" Laughing. My guy friend proceded to tell me. "Because I told him to choose her." I stopped laughing. I knew that he was just trying to "protect" me, but I couldn't tell but be mad when this boy and this girl walked into the dance, hand and hand. I couldn't breath. That's when I knew I liked him.
That was May.
I had quite an eventful start to the summer. Me and my friend went to 11 parties in the first 2 weeks of vacation. One of them was his. I was sorta friends with the girl dating my crush, and it sorta sucked to stay at this party at his house when I knew he was dating her. But a couple days later, at a different party me and this girl got to talking; she had broken up with him. Me and he boy texted on and off all summer, and things got interesting in late September. We hadn't really talked in person since school has started, but everyone was jazzed for our town fair; it was the highlight of that time of year. A four day fest of fun, food and friends. On Friday, rides were free, so me and my friends travaled in a pack, going on rides. We then met up with him and his friends about halfway through the day and paired up for the swing ride. My friends, who knew I liked him, made sure we got paired together. We had fun, it was so nice to just be next to him even though I didn't think he was interested anymore. Our groups split up after that. Later, when it started to get dark, me and my two friends went to go sell cotton candy to benifit our music program. It was a two hour shift, from 6-8. At about 7:45, he texted me.
"Hey have you left the fair yet?" -him
"No im still here." - me
"Oh what are you doing?" - him
"Working in the POPS booth."- me
"Oh. Never mind." - him
"But my shift ends in 10 minutes. Why what's up?"- me, slightly panicked
"Oh. I wanted to hang out." - him
"Sure! Where do you want to meet?"- me, freaking out
"Meet me at the black stage. We can watch the concert."- him
"Kk."- me, pinching myself
My shift ended and me and two friends went and met up with his to watch the end of the concert. We split up after that, but found eachother again at the main stage. We all sat on hay bails and listened to the music playing. We sat in silence, but It wasn't uncomfortable. Me and my friends made plans to have a sleepover at my house and we started to walk up the hill to get to our car. My aforementioned guyfriend stayed behind to gather information from the boy. When he came up the hill I asked him, "what did he say?" He replied. "I asked him, what do you think of Sarah? And he knew I was trying to get information. He said, what do you mean. I said I mean, do you like her? And he said yes. And I asked him, would you go out with her? And he said, absolutly! And I said, you should ask her out! And he said, you know what? I just might!" I was over the moon, but I couldn't be too happy becuase he and my other friend were both rejected by their crushed in the same night. But I couldn't stop smiling. I couldn't sleep that night, I just sat thinking about him. I wanted him to ask me out so bad. And truth be told, I thought he was going to the next day. But guess what? He didn't. He didn't ask me out the next day. Or the day after that. Or the day after that. In fact, we didn't talk. Not over text, not in person. I thought, it was just a game. He didn't mean it. He was totally joking the entire time. He fooled me.
Two months later, he took another girl to homecoming. But I didn't care! I danced the night away and grinded with boys and had a blast. I wouldn't
Let him ruin my night. We still didn't talk, ever. We didn't see eachother over Christmas break, at all. The silence continued. Until a 2 weeks ago. He texted me out of the blue. And he just said, "hey." I was so confused. He hadn't talked to me in 5 months, why was he texting me now. But we taked for about 20 minutes. The next day, my friend, never mentioned yet, asked me if he had texted me the night before. I said yes. She said, me too. Background. This friend, she liked him a lot too. And we knew each other liked him, but it didn't effect our friendship. I knew then, he wasn't just trying to connect with me, it was her too. I didn't care about him. If she wanted him, she
Could have him for all i cared. But I kept wondering, why? At a dance about a week ago, I was keeping the peace. It was my job to slow dance with my gay friend so he could avoid dancing with his ex. During thinking out loud, we were dancing, and the boy was there in the room. He looked at me. I looked at him. I looked away. So did he. He danced with his guy friends. I died a bit inside, wanting to dance with him so bad. Later, I guess I must have looked pretty upset. He came over and said, "hey. Are you okay?" I said yes. He said, "just making sure. You looked super depressed." I guess this was sweet, but I could tell by his voice that he didn't really care. That night was not a high point. At a party this weekend. That's when I found out. Me and another friend were hanging out with again aforementioned guyfriend and
Talking about boys. The boy came up. I said, "he should just stop playing with me and _____." He is never going to like either us." Then my friend said it. "You know they kissed right?" I swear to god, my heart fell into my stomach. "Really?" "Yea, on New Year's Eve. She was at a party and he was at one across the street. He texted her to meet him in the street. And he kissed her." I was dying inside, but I put up a brave front. "Oh! Nice"
She never told me. She didn't want me to know. I appreciate that and I hate her for it at the same time. But I feel bad for her. Yes, he kissed her. But did he ask her out? Did they date at all? No. He was playing with her just like he played with me. We are both total fools for him.
And
I
Am
So
Over
It.
I need to get over him. So badly. I saw him today at music reharsal when I was getting out of the car. He looked at me,
And I got out of the car and walked the other direction. I didn't look back once.
My heart broke just a tiny bit. Tonight is just hard. All I could think about during my rehearsal was cutting. I wanted to kill the butterfly I had drawn on my wrist two days ago. My skin itched. I felt ugly, even though i get told everyday that I am pretty. I felt fat, even though I am 5"2' and I weigh 97 lbs. I felt absolutely worthless. I was planning where I could cut on my body so no one would see it, so I wouldn't get caught again. I was trying so hard not to cry. I got home, climbed into bed and started writing. That's where I am now. I want more than anything to grab a razor blade and cut my skin. But that is not a solution and I know it. I am trying. I feel so deep in this hole, I feel like I keep climbing and I can't reach anything. I need to get away and be with my friends. I need to get over my boy. I need to have fun at my semi-formal next week and dance my face off. I intend to do that. I am going to get through this night without opening my skin. I promise.