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High

Heyyyooo
so I know I havnt written in a while and this is going to be a pretty short entry, but that's a good thing, because it means I'm doing just fine :). But i wanted to say something that i really love the fact that I'm able to say. 1 year ago, i had recently started this journal, and i was the most depressed i had ever been in my life. One year ago today, on march 12th, i wrote a chapter called low, becuase i was so depressed I didn't know what to do with myself. I was self harming, I didn't want to get out of bed, i had barley anything to look foward too, it was snowing outside and that just made me even more depressed. I felt like i had nobody to turn to. All i wanted was a little bit of sunshine, in the real sense and metaphorically. Today, i look out my window and see blue skies and sunshine. I feel 60 degree air on my skin. I feel great, i really do. I haven't had a panic attack in over a year, I haven't self harmed in half a year. I've learned so much this past year, because I finally spent time by myself. The year leading up to that low journal entry, i hung out with my friends way too much. It was wrecking me, because i had things to worry about and my own issues to worry about and i kept hanging out with them to distract myself, but it was really just rubbing dirt into the wounds. I wrote that entry and it was actually a good thing, because that was the beginning of me taking a moment to look at the damage i was doing to myself, and starting to clean the wounds up and heal. I needed to start writing and stop internalizing my issues and look at them straight on, spend some time by myself to reflect and collect my thoughts. One year ago, i wished for sunshine. Now i have it. One year ago, i felt like i had nobody to turn to. Now I've made at least 30 more friends who i can call and talk to any time and i love them with everything i am. One year ago, I didn't know how to be alone with myself, now I've learned. One year ago, i felt lost as to what i wanted to do. Now I've fell in love with art, and i know that's what i want. One year ago, I was angry at people for turning their backs. Now I forgive everyone, and see through I different perspective. One year ago, i had barely anything to look foward to. Now i have 3 concerts with friends, a trip to Oregon to visit my family, a music festival in Montreál for my birthday, Getting a job, getting my drivers license, meeting up with friends in new york not one but 3 times, and so much more to look foward too. One year ago today I didn't know how to appreciate the little things. Now i see everything as photoworthy, and i keep a box of memories that my friend started for me. One year ago, i fell in love with a boy who sings songs in his bedroom and has a little ep on itunes, and i felt like i was the only one who knew him. Now I'm still in love with the same boy, who currently sings songs for thousands of fans all around the world and has a top charting album on itunes, and I've met countless friends who i still talk to daily just becuase of his music (thank you troye, i love for forever.) One year ago, i drowned in the depressing thoughts that enveloped my mind, unequiped and unable to deal with them, because I didn't know how. Now, the thoughts still pop up once in a while, but I've learned how to swim along side them instead of trying to get rid of them or letting them pull me down. Now I have plans. I have opinions. I have thoughts. I have a bright future. I have a support system. I have skills and talents and confidence. I have complete certainty that it is possible to pull myself out of the darkness. I have learned how to live with myself, and that is what i needed to do, and i am incredibly thankful to myself for going on that journey with me. I owe a lot to this journal, becuase It helped me really look myself in the face. I still have more growth to do, but today, I am happy.
One year ago today, I wrote a journal entry called low. Today, I write one called high.