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2017

So it is officially January 1st, and It has come time that I have moved past all the things i was looking forward to and now it's time for midterms, schoolwork, and no breaks until April, and I couldn't feel shittier about it to be honest. I had a pretty good new years eve last night, I got nice and tipsy with all my closet friends which was great, but I am stressed as fuck about my relationship. My girlfriend got upset last night when I told her that I was playing spin the bottle with my friends, and to be honest, I don't feel like she has the right to be upset with me about that because first of all, we are on a break that she initiated, and I don't even know why we are on the break because I thought everything was going fine, second of all, they are my FRIENDS, and third of all, she canceled plans we had this week not only once, but twice. She did apologize, which I appreciate, but i don't know how I feel right now. And i miss being with her, but honestly i'm just kind of upset with her right now because she doesn't know how she feels about me apparently, so i'm just stuck here waiting for her when she might not even want to be with me right now anyway. And i know it is more her problem then mine, but it has been consuming my life for the past week. It was honestly fucking heartbreaking for me when she cancelled on me, since we had those plans for over a month and i haven't seen her in that long. Long distance fucking sucks, and I love her, but i just feel like she gets upset about the tiniest things that I shouldn't have to apologize for, like playing spin the bottle with a group of friends, or saying that I think a celebrity is hot. And I 100% put myself first, because I am a firm believer in self care, but there are so many feelings involved in this relationship and it is so high stakes that so much would be involved in any confrontation and I honestly don't have the energy to deal with it. it's not that I don't love her, and of course her bad mental state is not her fault, but I still need to think about myself and my well being. I'm not exactly sure what to do about the situation, i'm trying to work out solutions in my head right now. I think what i am going to do is lay kind of low for a while, and focus on school and work and making my life as good as it possibly can be. And Lane, If you do end up reading this because I know you know this journal exists, I want you to know there are no hard feelings, I just have some stuff to figure out on my own. I have so many good things coming up and so many things to look forward to, and I really don't want to let this one thing drag me into a depression like it has. I want to be productive, progressive and I won't hold myself back. I am absolutely going to do what is best for me, because I need it. I am going to do my laundry, work on my grades, keep my hair and nails and body clean and beautiful, i'm going to spend time with my friends, I am going to save money for a car, I am going to plan my college visits for the spring as well as pick out the colleges that I want to go to, I am going to go back into the art room and work on the fucking shoes that I still haven't finished from last year!!! I am hopefully going to start cognitive behavioral therapy to help with my dispepsia. That is something I would really love to overcome. I can't even imagine waking up on an important day and not being extremely ill for hours, hiding in bathrooms and lying on the floor instead of enjoying my fucking life, dreading excitement and amazing experiences because of the physical toll that they take on me. This year, I will have been dealing with this disease for 10 years. That is the majority of my life. I don't remember a time when I didn't deal with it, and i'm so fucking done with it. I really want to push through it this year. And it seems impossible, but there are still options that I haven't tried and I need to try them so i can start to live my life more freely. I would love that so much.
That was a good rant. and now it's time for me to do some things that will be good for me. I am going to rest a bit more, and at 6:00, I am going to do all my laundry and spend some time with my mom if i can. I don't want to let all of this drag me down anymore. I really do want this year to be a fresh start for me.
In 2016, I went to 10 concerts, met tons of new friends, met my new family members, attended a protest, went to pride, got my first job, got my drivers license, had my first real relationship, had my first kiss (my first real kiss), travaled to New York, Portland, etc., and so much more. It has been amazing.
In 2017, I will attend the million woman march in Washington DC. I will buy my first car. I will take the SATs. I will go on college visits and choose the colleges I want to go to. I will gain more freedom, I will take care of myself, I will do the things that I need to do along with the things that are gonna make every day worth living. I'm gonna take breaks from social media. I'm will traval not only to NYC, but to Spain and France (which is going to be fucking incredible). I have a good year coming up. And i'm ready to take it on. In 364 days, I will hopefully remember to come back and read this journal entry as I transition from 2017 to 2018, the year where everything changes in a big way. 2017 is the prep year, the year where I figure all my shit out and hopefully get myself ready to become a legal adult and move out of my house for the first time, go to college. 2017, lets go.