Untitled

Need

So when i started this journal-ish thing I told myself that I would use it only when I actually need to and I wouldn't make an actual update schedule and I wouldn't update just to feel accomplished or whatever, and I have done a pretty good job doing that so far. But lately, I have actually been feeling pretty good, so I've not been updating as much, because I really didn't feel like i needed to. I was on spring break, I was well rested, I was eating better, I was actually starting to get a tiny bit of exercise, I found some good music, I had no homework and no tests and no stress, And it also helped that it was completely beautiful outside and warm and I hung out with friends and I really had no agenda for over a week, which was lovely. But now I am back to school, waking up at 6, not eating as well as I probably should, but I really am trying to take care of myself. Even when I try, sometimes, it doesn't always make me feel completely better. And that is what this journal is for. And that is what this entry is about.
I have kind of been coming undone a bit in the past couple days. I feel myself slowly slipping into the insanity of the school week again, the one I'm in for the majority of the year. The other day, I was walking home from school and I was walking up a hill, and for some reason, there was like a legit cloud of bugs. The little annoying ones that are harmless but annoying as fuck. And all the sudden they just started flying in my face and getting caught in my hair and in my eyes. And If you know me personally, you probably know that I am so incredibly not okay with any kind of bugs anywhere near my face area. So I pretty much had a full blown panic attack walking down the street. I'm talking not being able to breath, close to tears, frantically trying to think of a way out of the situation. The only one i could think of was to walk faster. So I eventually got out of the cloud of bugs. But later that night, I was feeling kinda crappy, sluggish, and generally unsatisfied with life. You know when your room is a little messy and your hair is kinda knotted and frizzy and your clothes don't feel completely comfortable and then suddenly everything drives you crazy?? I don't know, maybe that is just me. But, so the point is, I decided i needed to fix everything in order to keep my sanity, which happens more often than i would like to admit...
So I cleaned my entire room, opened my window, lit a candle and put on some music to sit down and straighten my hair so It wouldn't feel so gross. And all the sudden, a MOTHER FUCKING MOSQUITO flew right in front of my face. I just froze. I had to kill it. So i tried, and failed. Suddenly it was in my room, and I had no idea where it was, and I knew that i was overreacting, but i also knew that this mosquito could fly down and bite me at any time and I had no control over the situation. And I broke down. Crying.
I'm almost laughing thinking about it to be honest. But if it happened again right now, I would go just as crazy.
So I finally spotted the mosquito in my closet. I shut the doors, and even though I was well aware that there was a space between my two closet doors and the mosquito could get out, I felt a bit better. I was super hot, so I went into my bathroom to take a cold shower. I got out and I was getting dressed, when I saw the fucking little shit head mosquito on the wall right in front of me. I killed that thing so fast, and finally regained a part of my sanity.
So those are just some examples of how fucked my mind has been the in the past couple days.
But the same thing is happening tonight, where I literally cannot be sane and relaxed until everything I need to get done is done. I washed my sheets and blankets, made my bed, did my algebra homework, and now I have to do this little workout thing that I do every day. It is just one of those afternoons where I feel so incredibly unproductive and unmotivated to do anything, but I also have to do things or else I will legitimately go insane. Right now, I have my window open so I can have fresh air, and I have a candle burning. I turned off all the notifications on my phone, because I love my friends from my group chats with all my heart, but my mind is already going 600 miles per minute, and i kind of just need to clear it and vent a bit. I am so thankful for this journal. It is the one thing I can do when i am upset. Like when i am upset about something, I like to build up every little thing that is wrong with my life and then suddenly realized they are all there and get super overwhelmed instead of dealing with them one at a time like a normal, productive person. I don't even know what I am writing anymore to be honest, I just needed to vomit some words into this story so I could shovel out all the dirt and muck that had been contaminating my mind and causing me to lose my shit over a ting mosquito. This is really helping me. I feel like a weight is being lifted. I feel less stressed and more tired, and i feel like my thoughts are slowing down a little bit and allowing me to just write without really thinking about it. Seriously, I recommend this to everyone. It is like therapy with yourself. Instead of relying on another person, all you have to do is get everything that you are thinking out on a page and then you can process better and put things into perspective. Carrying around your thoughts inside your head all the time and letting nagging problems build up is like carrying a heavy weight. When you put all of them on a document, you can really see them and maybe even realize that they are not as big of a deal as you made them out to be in your head. Your head has a way do distorting the truth. So, in conclusion, thanks. Even if nobody is reading, thank you to Wattpad for providing me a forum to spill my thoughts and thank you to myself for choosing to spill them. I'll write the next time i really need it. <3