Untitled

destructive

So I'm in a place now where i feel like i need to write. Here I am.
I genuinely don't know what is wrong with me. I have been completely out of my mind, just floating lately in this weird fog of uneven emotions. I feel like I'm stuck in one place. I don't feel good, i feel sad and incomplete most of the time. And when I feel happy, i always ruin it by thinking about how fragile the moments when i am happy are. I always do that. On friday night i was a concert in nyc with some friends, and I remember at one point the band that i was seeing was playing one of my favorite songs, and we were all dancing, and my friend was holding my hand, and it was hot and loud and bright and so cool and amazing, and then i started thinking about how amazing it was, and then i started thinking about how it wouldn't be like this in a little bit, and how i would have to leave my friends, and how the night would end. I swear, i feel like i always have this dark little person sitting in the corner of my mind, and every time i let the light in an enjoy it and forget the dark is there, it just explodes and completely destroys my happiness.
I don't want to say that i think i have depression, because I don't know if i do and I don't want to say that i do because people i know have real issues with it and I don't want to make anything about me. Is that unhealthy? I really don't know.
So i was just thinking about this, and I wasn't sure if i was going to write anything about it but i guess this is going to be the chapter that i am going to rant, because i need it.
So many entries back, i wrote about a boy who i had great conversations with but who stressed me out because we always fought. And so much has happened with that since then. Basically, he chilled out and we became closer, and he told me he liked me, which i kind of already knew, but i was so freaking confused about my feelings. I told him i liked him back, but if I'm going to be 1000% honest, I'm really not sure I actually did. Because i loved our conversations, and he made me feel good (most of the time) and on the topic of honesty, i thought about him all the time. But I don't get into relationships, I'm scared of them, I wish I wasn't but I'm pretty sure i am. so after i told him i liked him, i said that i also really didn't want a relationship like a dating relationship, but i did like him, so we would see where it went and not label anything, and he said that he agreed completely. But then, i just got really overwhelmed and he kept texting me and i did the dumbest thing. I completely ignored him for a week. It was easy because i was on spring break. And it was such a dick move and i feel stupid for doing it, but that is what i felt like i needed to do at that point. so once we started talking again, he told me that he didn't like me anymore, and that he was already talking to this other girl, and he was sorry. I said it was cool, cause it was, and it was pretty much my fault. Then we got in a fight, because i guess that even though i did mess it up by not talking to him for a while, he forgot that I actually had said that i wanted to see where things went. He freaked out and got mad, he said he was angry because we could have been something and i misled him. But the thing is, he told me that he agreed with me on not wanting a relationship, but he later admitted that he was lying. But i believed him! I thought he genuinely did not want a relationship. And i left a door open. I said " if you still like me, then we can figure something out." and he said that he didn't, he liked the other girl. And that was that.
until literally less than two days later.
He texted me, and he was flirting with me again, and i told him that he should be careful because he had a girlfriend, and then he said "fuck her. she is pissing me off" and went on this whole rant about how she posted a picture on instagram with some other guy and blah blah blah. The next day, when we were sitting in study hall, he just casually put his arm around me and held me for the entire block, and I completely didn't react (because i kinda liked it but also i was like ????) and then after a week of talking on and off, he tells us today in study hall that he is in a committed relationship and he is in love with that girl.
........
and then he said that he has been with her for... 3 years.
ummm
so what was i? and all the other girls that he was talking to?? payback?? and he says that i can talk to him any time but i really, really wonder if i was ever the one he contemplated having a committed relationship with. I really wonder if he considered giving up talking to the ten other girls he has on deck and also apparently, his on and off girlfriend for 3 years. I just really wonder if he actually cared/cares about me. Because we have a really great connection. We can talk for hours about life and political shit and space and death and everything I don't talk about with anything else. And he makes me want to go on cool adventures and make the most out of life. I wonder what i do for him. I wonder if i do anything for him. I just sometimes feel like a complete loser who can't even get a boyfriend when a bunch of my friends have boyfriends, and then I realized that i have turned so many people down in the past and that i am being psychotic and i need to calm down.
So that was my rant about him. next topic.
These couple weeks have been really hard. My mom had my dad committed to a mental hospital because he was so depressed. he didn't eat or speak, all he did was sleep all day. He was stealing my sister's medicine. He stayed in the hospital for a week, and we went to visit him and he seemed less depressed but he also seemed really loopy?? and so they discharged him with medication. For the days he was home, he was completely out of his mind. He was not lucid, ever. He kept asking me about things that didn't happen, saying things that didn't make sense. One night, he asked me how school was that day. It was a sunday night. A couple nights ago he fell at 2:00am, and when my mom went to check on him he was completely delirious. Turns out, the doctor had prescribed him way to much medication and he had taken probably three times the amount he was supposed to for 3 days. My mom drove him to the hospital at 2 am and he has been there for 2 days now. I don't know when he is coming home.
I try to ignore all my home problems and pretend they don't bother me, but they do. And trying to balance my grades and friend drama and everything else on top is not working. I find it so hard to actually be happy lately. I really am trying to practice self care, i have been cleaning a lot and listening to lots of good music, and i have literally the most amazing friends in the entire world. They are incredible and kind and supportive. I wrote about them in the last chapter. But one of my friends got me thinking today. She had left the chat because she realized that she was a mess and she was relying too much on us to make her happy, and she needed to take care of herself. and I realized that she is totally right. There are going to be times when i am on my own, and i feel like the world is crashing down around me, and i just want it all to end, and i need to be able to support myself in those times. That is exactly why i have this journal, so i can not keep everything bottled up inside me and also not dump everything on other people. I have this journal so i can be self sufficient. So thank you to that friend who made me realize that ( you might be reading this, if you are hi and ily :)
so here is what I'm going to do. I am going to turn my phone off and take care of myself for the next couple hours. I'm going to take a cold shower, do my laundry, put my clothes away, do my homework, and try to breath and be productive. I'm glad i ranted. it felt really good.