Untitled

anxious

well hi!
so it is 100% getting to be that time of night when I start to think too much and then i get sad and uncomfortable and depressed, so let me just say hello and that I've needed to write for probably a week now and i haven't because god knows why not.
Here's the deal. Now that I've been a little bit more open about this diary to some of the people I know and love, a couple of these people actually read my entries now. And that's cool I guess, but i find myself not really saying what I need to say to feel better, because i now know that some people i know can and probably will see it. But I'm gonna stop worrying about that, and hope that you guys won't judge me for anything i say. This diary is my place to vent into the universe, to take my thoughts and the things that have been weighing me down and put them out into the universe. So I'm okay. As long as I'm writing here when i need it I'm okay.
So here's another thing, I've pretty much felt like absolute shit for the past couple days. And it's not super easy to distract myself like it sometimes is. I'm just stressed and i feel like crap. I self-harmed for the first time in 11 months. (not a biggie, I regretted it immediately, it wasn't serious and I'm not doing it again). I've just felt ugly and gross and crappy for the past few days. My face is breaking out, and i just don't have motivation to get my school work done. Thats another thing that's weighing on me, summer homework and the fact that I'm starting school in two weeks and I'm both excited and also not ready at all and I don't want to. I still have two books to finish and assignments to complete, and I'm legitimately almost crying thinking about it right now because I have sooooo much work to do and i am such a horrible procrastinator that i just can't seem to get it done, and I really want to do good on it because i want to start my junior year right. It just sucks because i really want to get these assignments done, but i have such little motivation that it's almost impossible for me. I've also been applying for jobs, and the thought of working on top of all my assignments makes me nauseous, but i really need money and I'm so more than willing to do it. I just hope I actually get one of the jobs I've been applying to. It's stressing me the fuck out.
Also, I'm just generally lonely right now. I love my friends, and they are great and all but i feel like there is such a great distance between me and some of the people i love. It almost seems like when i try and talk to them it is awkward or they don't want to talk to me, which I really don't know if it is true or not, maybe I'm just being completely paranoid, but it's hard not to be sometimes, you know? So sometimes i just feel like i have nobody in the entire world to talk to and I'm sure i do but i just feel like I'm isolating myself too much and I just feel sad and lonely. I also have such FOMO because a couple of my friends are in relationships and I'm not, because i usually get physical and emotionally stressed whenever someone likes me. One of my friends asked me out a couple weeks ago, and I literally just made up an excuse to turn her down because the idea of me being in a relationship gives me such anxiety. I'm actually laughing reading this now, but you know it was sucky at the time. But then, when i turn down the few boys/girls that ask me out and then i see other people in relationships, i feel like such a loser because I'm not in one. I'm a 16 year old girl, a lot of 16 year old girls are in relationships. But not me, I honestly get stressed when people ask me out so i say no, and then i resent the fact that I'm not in a relationship. It's pretty funny if I actually think about it. But i still feel like i need to validate myself by being in a relationship and i know I shouldn't have to but i do because that's what humans do; we are irrational and predictable. So yea, I'm lonely, and it's dumb because every time i say in my mind " sarah, you are such a freaking loser! why don't you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? nobody loves you and you are ugly and annoying and unlovable" I then realize that someone asked me out literally a week ago and it was obviously for a reason but i said no anyways because I'm sorta a pussy! But i guess that's okay because it's just who I am.
Also, I've written about this boy that i used to fight with and also have amazing meaningful and philosophical conversations with. And it is kinda sad because since summer started and we saw each other less, we've been talking less and I feel like when we do talk it's not the same as it is before. Maybe once the school year starts again and we see each other practically every day it will go back to what it was like before, maybe not. but we are friends either way and we've gotten through some weird intense awkward times and we're still talking so that's good. A lot of people would just stop talking if what happened to us happened to them. So that's cool. And i look forward to maybe talking to him about existentialism and the universe again.
But also, I feel like i have a pretty great group of friends right now. Pretty open minded, like minded and funny. Also spontaneous, so we can do fun shit and not plan so much ahead. But just for the record, one of my guy friends did something that kinda annoyed me, so i just wanted to mention that to someone (or something cause idk if anyone will read this). So Friday morning, I texted him and a couple of my girlfriends to ask if they wanted to hang out that night, and one of the girls was like "can we do it Saturday?" and me and the other girl were like yea sure, but my guy friend just said "shit" so I figured that was his way of saying he couldn't do Saturday. So i texted the other girl and him seperately and said i could still do that night, and he said good because he couldn't do Saturday. We hung out, it was fun and cool and yea. So we had kinda made non-concrete plans to hang out Saturday night too, and I had forgot that he said he couldn't, so i texted and i was like hey wanna hang, and then I realized that he had said he couldn't. And he was like yeaa i would but i have my mom's dinner I'm sorry! and i was like dude you're fine.  That night, my other friend snapped me and she was like "I love how *** is kinda a snake. Like he says he hates ***** (his ex-girlfriend) (he's also gay btw so that's awkward) but he looks like he is having an awesome time at a party with her right now!" and i was like "hmmmm that's really interesting because he told me he had a family dinner!" and me and my friend were laughing but like it bothered me that he couldn't have just told me the truth. In some aspect, I get it because I strongly dislike this girl, she hated me before my friend came out to her because she liked him and she thought we were dating, and then after he came out to her as gay, she outed him to my other friend (philosophical conversation friend) when they were on a date, who my gay friend barley knew. I told him that, because i knew they were friends and that was a really shitty thing for her to do. And he was FURIOUS. But bless his heart, he is either really good at faking or he is just too nice
to hold a resentment. And I'm not even mad at him in the least bit for lying to me about why he couldn't hang out with us that night, truthfully. because i get why he didn't tell me, i just wish he felt like he could be honest with me. But he is kinda like this a lot of the time so I won't take it too personally.
So wow! this was a 100% grade A 10/10 rant. Haven't done one of these in a while, and I have to say it felt pretty good. So here's how I'm going to end it, with a couple things i promise i will do tomorrow that i know will make me feel better. I will 1. Work on my summer reading, both books, for at least 2 hours. I will 2. Do all of my laundry. That's all. I just need to make myself do them so i can feel better.
I'm now exhausted, because it is probably 1am-ish by now, so i should probably sleep. But for the record, I feel a lot less anxious now.