Untitled

The future

the world isn't real but it's starting to be
I want to Capture the light in the sky
But it's night and the sun is not rising soon
Wish I could escape to a place
Where nothing really mattered
Over analyzing
Over thinking
Stuck in time
Lost in my mind
I want to see the big picture
But It doesn't seem to fit in the frame
I don't want to leave Until I am ready
But that's hard when there is someone pushing me out the door
Insignificant
But better irrelevant
Then relevant in the wrong way
I wish I could see it this way
I feel like a child
I want to be a child for now
I'm treated like a child
But expected to grow up
It's been a number of years
It may not be a huge number
But it's a number
And I already forget
I want to make this have a happy ending
But I need to be real
I need to get all of these things out of my mind
I'm scared of the future
I don't like to think
I feel like I will mess it up somehow
I feel like I will take a wrong turn
But the reality is
It is my future
And whatever happens in it belongs to me
Mistakes make memories
So do cameras
I will take as many pictures as I can
I want to live in the moment
And always have something to look forward to
And when I feel like I want to give up there are always people and things
And songs and pictures and thoughts
And sights
That inspire me to keep going
I see people that I want to be
Who make others laugh and cry
In a good way
Every day
It is their job to create smiles
And share them selfs with the world
They see places and do things
They are young
Not much older then me
5-10 years
Maybe 15
I want to be like them
I want to make an influence
I don't care if I'm remembered
Although it would be nice
But all I want
Is to make the most of my life.
Look at me
I crack my self up
I am just writing these things to get them out of my mind and I am thinking of how to make this text better
Such an artistic brain I have
I love photography and art
Music turns my world
People make me happy
And emotional
And nauseous
And horrified
And hopeless
And hopeful
All I want is to save someones life
Make a difference to at least one person
But sometimes I need
To focas on myself
Instead of others
Sometimes I feel annoying or mean
Or ugly and worthless
And sometimes I feel beautiful
I just wish I felt beautiful more
I wish I had more nights with pools
And fireworks
And laughs that are silent
Because I can't breathe
Between them
And board games
And party's
And friends
And boys
Or maybe girls (I don't discriminate)
And bad decisions
And good memories
I like doing things with no explanation
Just because I want to
Or becuase someone tells me
It will be fun
I havnt got to experience
A lot of these nights but I'm young
I will get there
Whether I want it or not
And
I think I do
I love simple joy
Nothing with pretext or context
Just little moments that
Make me smile
If I just live I can expect a lot of them
Wow
My brain just won't let me think
Everytime I think just live
My brain says no
Do something
Panic
But I'm starting to think
I know what I want
I want to sing and draw
And take so many photos
That people get annoyed
I want to write
And make people laugh
And inspire
And be inspired
I want to travel
I want to see Africa
And Australia
And Paris
And London
And Germany
And Italy
I want to fall in love so hard
And get hurt so bad
Becuase that is how you know
It is real
And if I'm lucky I might find
The person who won't hurt me
But I'm young
I'm in no rush to start
Let alone finish
I want to run
Until I stop getting tired
And I can breath again
I have so much to say
I don't ever want to stop talking
And sometimes
I don't want to talk at all
And I want to be alone
But I feel guilt
Becuase I know that
The world Is spinning around me
And I can't stop it
So I should just live in it
Right?
I need a break from it all sometimes
So does everyone
That's normal
I keep thinking that
I want to finish writing this
But I keep thinking of more to say
It's like a freaking river
Or snow
It is snowing so hard
It won't stop
It's March and it's still snowing
I feel like I will never get out
Of this winter
But I will eventually will
That's just how the world works
Nothing stays the same forever
I hope something's do though
I don't want to lose my friends
Or my family
Just the though scares me
I am so sick of fear
I know that it will always be there
But I don't want it
But guess what
I just need to let myself feel it
It's just something I need to accept
Just like the future
I guess I have come full circle
And the point is
I might be scared of it
My future that is
I might be scared to mess it up
And let myself down
But it is filled with so many things
Be good or bad
And I need to experience them
That's what being alive is about
I need to appreciate what I have
And not be so needy
I am so lucky
But I'm a human
It's human nature to need and want
so I will accept that too because
It is who I am
I can't think of anything else to write
Right? How did that happen?
I guess the final point is
I don't know what the future holds
But I hold the future.

___________________________
Hey y'all.
Sorry for all the depressing crap, but writing this "story" is really good for me.
This was something I wrote about a week ago (pun not intended) and I wanted to share it because if my mind was a person, this would be their rant.
I really don't know why anyone is reading this, but thank you if you are.
Ily all 💕