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Inspiration

The weekend has ended.
This weekend has been pure bliss. You know when you hang out with friends and you are all stressed and freaked out and all you want to do is run a hot bath and soak yourself until you are a raisin and avoid all human contact and communication? That was me this weekend.
Don't get me wrong, I am a very social person, but sometimes it is better to curl up in bed and read a good book as the sun goes down. And that's pretty much how I spent my night.
Yesterday, I went on a nice long drive to the nearest, non-shitty mall to my house to get bath bombs from lush (duh) and then to barns and noble, because a very special book came out this week; Connor Franta's book, A work in progress.
I have been so exited to buy this book, I was buzzing all day. I walked into the store, told them my name, and the woman behind the counter went to get the book for me. The moment I saw her pick it up and start to walk back over to me, my heart jumped in my chest.
Now you may be thinking, "what's the big deal? Connor basically posts his whole life on the internet anyway. Why get so worked up over a book?"
First of all, no.
Second of all, absolutely no.
Yes, I am aware that my satus as a fangirl may have been setting in when I bought this book, but unlike some people on YouTube who I watch for laughs, the majority of the people I subscribe to are the people I follow on all my social media accounts. I genuinely care about their lives and what is happening to them. Connor is one of these people.
Last night, I ran a bath, dropped in a bath bomb, and soaked in the water for 45 minutes, just reading. Then I noticed something.
Every time I turned a page in the book, I felt so so sad.
Not because the book was bad.
Just the opposite.
I knew that the farther I got into the book, the closer I would be to the ending. So I stopped reading for the night.
The next night (aka tonight), I ran another bath, dropped in another bath bomb and read for another 45 minted. Then I got out.
And I read for another hour and a half.
I finished the book. Spoiler, it was amazing.
I use many words to describe books; well written, funny, inspiring, good. But I have never used the words mind altering or life changing.
I know I know, drama queen, right?
Right?
No.
Go read it. You will see what I am talking about.
In two nights, I have literally develpoed new perspectives on certain things. The words on the pages were thought provoking; it made me think really deeply. It made me smile.
And now it's over.
This book makes me want to jump in the car, drive to the airport, go to the departure board, scan it with my eyes, pick a location, buy a ticket, jump on a plane and fly away.
Although I feel like that a lot.
But still.
My mind is so jumbled, I want to pluck my brain out of my head, pick it apart, and find my thoughts that I am refusing to let myself thing, and look at them long and hard. I want to really understand what they are.
Because I have no idea at the moment.
I'm sure I'm not alone, but I don't know. I just don't know anything. As much as I want to have all the answers, I know if I did I would be the only one in the world. So I guess I will improvise. Bear with me.
I want to go to college, maybe only 2-4 years, but I do.
Let me tell you a little story.
I was bored a couple days ago, so I was going through some of my childhood things, and I found an old yearbook. There was a mini-survey in it, meant for me to fill out, and I did. Mostly.
I answered all the simple questions, but I didn't answer the first question.
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
At 7 years old, I didn't know this answer.
However, I did fill in where I wanted to go.
I said Los Angeles.
Looks like I have come full circle.
See in the crazy, jumbled, whirlwind of my mind, I have a hard time finding simple answers to questions. I am extremely indecisive. So when I was 7 I wanted to move to Los Angeles. At ten I wanted to stay in Connecticut. At 12, I wanted to go to New York. At 14, I wanted to go to Boston, Pennsylvania, or Maine. I'm still 14, but now my mind has somehow changed again. In the jumbled mess of my brain, I have somehow made some sort of decision.
I want California.
San Fransisco,
Los Angeles,
Anywhere else.
Somewhere a bit farther away from everything where I can start something. Start over.
I was in chorus and all the seniors were talking about how they were so exited for college, which was great, but one thing made me second guess myself; they were all going to colleges in state. This sounded like hell to me. All I want is to get out of Connecticut and be independent. Whether it be California or not, I can't wait to see where the future takes me.