Untitled

clean

I know i haven't written in a while and it's definitely due to a lack of motivation but right now i'm feeling real weak and not great and i'm not sure exactly why, but i would really love to talk it out.
For starters, this week has been extremely busy and has drained all life from my body and soul. i went to rhode island all day tuesday, new york all day wednesday and thursday and had my new (kinda)girl stay with me friday and today. i love spending time with this girl, she is so cool and easy to talk to and i love kissing her, but by reading my past entries it might be revealed that i am a naturally very anxious person and i can't handle these things very healthily, which is probably why i've barley slept all week and have probably consumed under 1000 calories in the past 3 days that i was able to actually keep down. i dont understand why i always have to make a good thing into something stressful, but it makes my life hell. i've been dizzy and tired and nauseous, and although i have been having a lot of fun, i just feel weaker. i have a bad cough that i can't get rid of, and its making me more tired than i already am. On top of all of it, my ex is completely slipping through my fingers. which might be the best and most healthy way to move on, but it is hard to see her date one of my best friends, and there has been so much drama between all of us i dont know how it will possibly end well. on another hand, i find it so hard to let go of people in my life who i care about so deeply, no matter how much i want to. but it seems like she is moving on, and i am obviously trying my best at doing the same. But change is hard, and i hate hard feelings and sadness. So it's been a bit hard to cope with on top of all of it. i also have a fuck ton of summer assignments, college applications/essays and such to finish and so little time, it honestly just feels like a tidal wave is about to crash on me and knock me right to the ground. it honestly and truly feels like too much to handle. and my anxiety is making it worse. I want to see a therapist but the money situation in our family isn't the best right now and i've been working but not that often, my shifts keep getting canceled. i just feel like i need some kind of connection. to reality, to my life, to the ground. right now i kind of feel like a balloon just let go into the sky with no control over what is happening around me and i feel like i need to be grounded. i think it would help me a lot to talk to someone about it, and i want to talk to my mom but i'm worried that she'll judge me or be disappointed in me. I know realistically that she is my mom, but it seems like the kind of stuff i would want to talk about with her might not be the easiest or least heavy/weird stuff for her to hear. but i do know that she will listen, and i do think that she will understand.
I guess if i can rely on anything, it is a piece of advice that she gave me when i was really down a couple months ago. Whenever i got very overwhelmed with schoolwork or something else and felt like the world was closing in on me, she would tell me this. She would say to me, "Sarah, even when it doesn't seem like it, there will always be enough time."
Hearing this might not be the AHA moment that some people need, but it always resonated with me. It's honestly true. We are living day by day, tackling the struggles that life hands us and trying our best to be successful and productive. Sometimes issues with ex's or anxiety or schoolwork or a lack of energy can feel like a the walls are closing in around us, but if we step back for a second, close our eyes and let it go for a minute, we realize that there truly is enough time. Time to finish what we need to accomplish. Time to sort through feelings for a girl who makes me feel anxious and chaotic, but lives too far away and kisses like she will never see me again. Time to move on and feel better about the fresh wound of a girl from the past crashing back in and making it hard to exist within my small world. and this all sounds so emo and gross, aware, but its just how i feel. and i mean it all. There is always enough time. Don't take that away from yourself, don't rush your life away. don't wish for time to pass, because it will and then you'll miss it. Even though i would love to pass my anxiety and school stress and college fear, i know it will pay off. and right now what i need the most is to feel clean, new. And that will start with a good talk with my mom, and a long, good night sleep.