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Fast

Thoughts are like dreams. You think them really fast, but then when you try to remember them or try to write them down the are suddenly gone. Right now I am sitting in my bed, and my thoughts are coming at 1000 miles a second, so I might as well get something down.
Here is the thing about writing on a website that people can read.
After a while, even if you are writing for yourself like I am, it subconsciously turns into something to make the readers happy. But that's not the point of these entries, no offense. I write these entries to document my feelings and thoughts for me to reflect on in the future. So I'm going to do that.
I havnt been able to stop moving for at least 3 hours. You know when you are sitting down but you keep moving some part of your body. Me right now. I am so incredibly restless that I need to move. It's like I am trying to get comfy but it is absolutly impossible. I hate hate hate that feeling. I will get over it.
But I was listening to night changes and I was thinking about life and dreams. And then I started thinking about other things, and suddenly my brain was exploding. It happens. Oops.
I don't even know how to explain it but it's true. I'm thinking about this. I am sitting on one bed, in one room in one house, in a small town in a tiny city in a small state in one of the 7 continents in this great big wide world, and I have barly seen any of it. How can I get paid to see the world and travel and explore? If you know how please let me know becuase I want to know this. What job do I aspire for when all I want to do is laugh and travel and sing and take pictures and make people happy and be social and capture moments in a little box to keep forever and ever? Becuase those are some pretty fucking vague goals.
Damn.
I don't even know.
I am only 14 though so I probably shouldn't worry.
But I do anyway! Yay!
Anyway.
All I want is to unzip my skin, step out of myself, and run away from where I am right now. Crazy right? Maybe. But that's how I am feeling.
A little bit restless.
A little bit trapped
And stuck in my routine
And fearful of what might happen if I try to break it
And racking my brain on how to do this.
Becuase I want to.
Today I was talking to my aunt who lives in Oregon, and she said that if I want to come up to the west coast, I could stay with her or my cousin. Sounds like a damn dream.
Becuase I live in a tiny cow town in freaking Connecticut.
Don't get me wrong, Connecticut is cool. But I am so freaking sick of it. I live with my mom and my 17 year old sister and my dad. My sister has bad mental problems and goes crazy every day. My dad is chair bound with a knee injury and my entire family had to provide for him over much else. We have half the income we did a year ago becuase only my mom is working, so therefor we have no money.
I am 14, I can't drive a car. So I can't really get away when things get crazy or overwhelming. I am going a bit nuts. So call me crazy if a couple weeks in Oregon and California sunshine away from my crazy family and responsibilities and high school sounds pretty fucking good right now.
My friend is moving to London next year. I wish I could go with her.
But I'm really young.
I am still a bird in a cage, being fed, and nurtured and cared for and trapped. I might not be ready, but I right now, I want to be let out.
Please open the cage so I can see the world.