Untitled

Alone

do you ever get baffled by the sheer enormity of the world we live in?
I know I do.
That night, the night i had been both looking foward to and wanting to go as quickly as possible, ended in peace. lying on the grass under blankets, surrounded by people i didn't know, people i did know, and people i though i knew but now i'm not so sure.
Cuddled in the arm of my friend, pressed up against the side of my other friend, we played soft music and stared up at the stars, picking out the constilations in the darkness. I couldn't help but laugh before that, with my best friend's head laying on my stomach and everthing suddenly seeming so trivial. But i could tell that wasnt the mood. so we shifted into silence with quiet, happy music playing from my friend's phone.
A couple people giggled and talked, but the 5 of us; me, my 2 friends, my guy friend and his girlfriend, layed in complete silence and took in the view above our heads. That is the most amazing thing about living on this earth,
No matter where you look, there is always something to observe.
it might not be pretty, or safe, or interesting, but it is always something.
I wondered deep in my mind what else the sky held. beyond what we could see with our naked eyes, was more than my brain could ever fathom as imaginable. And that made me feel so small and insignificant. I thought quietly to myself, "is anybody thinking the same things i am?" That is the worst thing about living on this earth,
you can't see into anyone elses mind but your own. and people can tell you what they are thinking, but it is usually either a lie or not all they are thinking. Unless you dig deep into your mind and find a person who would listen to you, care, and talk back, you will never, ever know what anyone else is thinking about.
that makes me feel so alone.
In a yard full of high schoolers stargazing under the same blanket as me, i felt alone.
Sitting in a classroom full of students i had been going to school with for 10 years, i felt alone.
Hugging my friend after he performed in a play and exchanging kind words, surrounded by hundreds of other people, i felt alone.
And now, at 4am, laying in my bed, in my room, in my house, in the little town that made up a part of a small state that contributed to the makeup of a country that lay on the face of this earth, the earth where i know i am surrounded by 7 billion other people, I feel alone.
Because most of the universe, although it might not really be empty, it is unexplored and undiscovered. I will never see those parts of the universe, because life is short and I was born in 2000. this is my time. if i was born in, say, 6000, the whole world would be completly different. But in the year 6000, i will have been dead for almost 4000 years.
How fantastic is that?
I guess i just have to remember some things about the world that we live in.
I am not alone.
Out of all the thousands of years that the earth has existed and the thousands, maybe millions of years that it will exist after i am gone, i just so happen to be born on July 30th, 2000, into a world with many, many people. people i have met, people i still know, people i dont know yet, and people i will never know. Just by the fantastic circumstance that i was born when i was, a bunch of people i know were also born around the same time, and i had the privilege to meet them.
some of them like me, some of them dont.
But in this world with an unfathomably large past and an even bigger future, i think it is pretty amazing that in my time here on earth, i have met people who accept me for who i am, who love and support me through anything, who would call me their friend, best friend or even sister. i think of every hug, laugh, and memory i have made with the people in my life, and i think of the chance of those things happening in slightly different circumstances. what if i was born even 1 year earlier? i would not even talk to any of the people i am so close with, my life would be totally different, not to mention if i had been born 100 or 200 or 1000 years ago. because of circumstance, i am living in a world where things are not as bad as the media seems to think they are.
The world around us is adapting, molding itself like a ball of clay, and getting warmer (im not talking about global warming, i mean metaphorically warmer.)
Think about it: when clay gets warmer, it is easier to make it into what you wanted it to be. And i think this world is adapting and changing in the best way possible. Not only is it amazing that that is happening, but it is even more amazing that i have people to share my circumstances with.
I have amazing friends.
I have likes and dislikes.
I have health and chances for my future.
I have a lot of time left on this earth, in the grand scheme of life.
so maybe when i lay my head down at night and can't silence the chaos in my mind, maybe when i feel unwanted and empty, maybe when i feel alone,
I can look back on this chapter and put things into perspective.
We are not alone.