Untitled

resilience

so, it's been a while since I've written. Today's been, to be honest, a terribly exhausting day. So much so that I'm using voice memo to write out this entry, because I'm too tired to type it all myself. But I feel like, it's way too important to not write about. I feel like I'm gonna look back on this day, and think about all the feelings and emotions and think about the experience as a whole. And I think it's important to have it documented, all the things that I feel and all the things that happened and all the things that are important for me to know; For the future and to look back on how I felt today. today, Wednesday, November 9, the day after Donald Trump was elected president of the United States. I remember thinking for the past year and a half that our country could never ever put a man like him in charge. The job is too important, he was too ill-tempered, he would mess everything thing up. And furthermore, all the adults in my life or assuring me and everyone that Hillary would definitely win without a doubt. It was too important. Nobody could imagine that he would possibly win the election from the beginning. We all said it from the beginning.
I remember last night, I was at work after my shift was pretty much completed and I was hanging around with my coworkers. We ordered a pizza just from the stuff that was around still, and they made it for us. All of us were gathered together eating slices of pizza, and watching the coverage of the election. I felt kind of wrong, a little bit off, like something wasn't going to go right that night. I remember seeing a polling that Trump was doing pretty good, and it really worried me. I just went to full panic mode. I must've looked pretty freaked out because my boss, Heath, was like "Sarah,what's wrong?" and I told him that I was worried because Trump seem to be doing good in the polls. And he said to me, it was all for show, that Hillary had already won the election. That she would definitely win the election. It's hard not to believe something when you're 16 and adult like a boss at work or parent or teacher is telling it to you, especially if it's about something that you don't know a lot about, like me with politics. I may not know much about politics, but as a young member of the LGBT community and as a woman, I knew and I still know that I didn't want someone like Donald Trump being a representative of our country. But I chose to be optimistic and believe my boss at the time. I remember my mom picked me up at a little bit past 9 o'clock from work. I got in the car with her, And told her how worried I was at Trump seem to be doing pretty good in the polls. she told me not to worry, that she really didn't think Trump is going to win. I told her that it was election night, and then we had to start being realistic about the possibility that he might actually win. She seemed upset, frustrated, angry, tired. not with me, just with the entire situation of the election. She told me not to say that, but she couldn't even consider the possibility that it might happen. That was the point when I really started to consider it, that after all this time and all the things that he said and done, Trump could possibly still win the election. But I was in complete denial, because I didn't want to believe it. I was too scared to believe it.
when I got home, we have the election playing on the TV, the coverage ongoing. I watch the house on MSNBC laugh and talk lightly about the election that was taking place, and I wondered how they were keeping their heads. I was already on the verge of tears because the polls were so close and so much was on the line. But it's their jobs, I guess. To be calm and collected even in the most dire situations. So we kept watching the coverage, and the polls were getting closer and closer, and at this point I was crying already. I honestly couldn't deal with the prospect of Donald Trump actually becoming the president. My mom got less and less optimistic, the hosts on the TV started talking more and more about a trump win, and my panic grew by the second. When my mom acknowledged for the first time that Trump could actually win the election, not only that he could, but that it was a great possibility, I broke down. I honestly couldn't see any silver lining in the situation. It was my worst nightmare coming true. and not just the worst nightmare for me, the worst nightmare for so many amazing groups of people United States. People of color, members of the LGBT community, members of different religions besides Christianity, and women in general. The fact that so many women had voted for Donald Trump scared the shit out of me. I couldn't believe my eyes. I couldn't believe my ears. Everything was unfolding in front of me, and yet I genuinely just couldn't except it. I laid in my moms arms on the couch, and we held each other as we watched. Finally at 12:15, my mom said that we had to go to bed, that we couldn't watch any longer. she said that we pretty much just had to assume that we would wake up to Trump being the president, even though we could hope for a slight miracle. After hours of tears and panic, I went up to bed and fell sleep. It's took a sleeping pill to do so but I still did. When I woke up for school in the morning first thing I heard was my not opening the door to my room. She walked in and all she said was i'm so sorry. I knew that he had become president.
today was a taxing day, emotionally, physically, mentally. And again not just for me, for so so many people in this country. When I hear my friends talking about how they're scared for their futures, when I see people already being brutally discriminated against in my country, when I see the true terror, fear, and tears coming from such amazing people, who bring wonderful diversity to this country, because we decided to elect someone so awful as president, it's freaking breaks my heart.
it was a hard day, with all of the heartbreak among my friends and all of the disgusting gloating from people my school that actually support Trump. Every time I asked them for the reason that they supported Trump, they really couldn't come with a straight answer. They just said that they think that he would make things better. I asked them in what ways? Why? How? they really really couldn't answer. Not anything specific anyway. That's how I knew.
after a day of morning and grief for so many people across the country, I really am trying so hard to see the light that's gonna come in the future. The good come out of this, I really so appreciate every single one of my amazing friends. They're such beautiful, sweet, understanding people that are always there for me and deserve absolutely the world. I will never ever take any of them for granted again. I will stand by their sides whenever I need them or they need me. I appreciate my wonderful family. Appreciate the comfort of human embrace, the comfort of a friend group that is always there for each other, comfort of a laugh that you can get from someone else. I will work. I will work to make sure that the rights of people who are being ignored and ridiculed in this election are not forgotten or lost. I really really really believe that in the end, love will win over hate, even though it didn't last night.
today, November 9, 2016, it's the day after Donald Trump has been elected President of the United States. Today is the day for people to realize that love should win, even if not all people can realize it, and start to speak out, because now we know it's necessary. today, and all this after, are the days that we have to come together and work as one to make sure that we can love each other and be united, We can be resilient. I texted each one of my friends who I knew would be adversely affected by the election results, whether physically, emotionally or mentally. I told them all the same thing, because it's important. It's this: We stick together from now on.