Untitled

Move on

This journal was made for moments like this. it's currently almost 11 on a school night, and I should be doing my homework or getting to sleep but i can't allow myself to not express all of the frustration and anxiety and sadness that is eating away at me right now. So here i put everything else on hold, and i get it all out. So i can put it into perspective.
So, about an hour ago, i got a notification from my powerschool alerting me that i have an F in precalc, which was shocking and incredibly weird since i had an 86. I went on and saw that i got a 19/100 on a test, which just so happened to be like half of the points for the quarter, which ends in a week. We have so few points in, but i was so freaked out i figured it might have been a mistake so i emailed my teacher, and she said it wasn't. There are a couple things that don't add up, like the fact that the test was only 53 points, but it was put in as worth 100 points. Also, i calculated out what i have in powerschool for this quarter in pre calc, and it came out to a 58, which is terrible, but nevertheless, 8 entire points higher than what is listed in my grades right now. So i emailed my teacher again and asked if i could retake the test, since corrections wouldn't even get me up to the C range and i have had the most insane schedule in the past few weeks, which she knows. She hasn't answered yet, but ill talk to her in person tomorrow, and i am just absolutely praying that she understands and has mercy on me, just this time. So basically, the possible outcomes are as follows.
She could say yes to me retaking the test, and i would literally study my fucking ass off nonstop until i ace it, and then leave for europe with a clear mind. Best case scenario, my grade is saved.
She could say no to me retaking, in that case i would do test corrections and i could get the grade of the test up to a 50%, which would bring my grade up to a 69% ish, which once again, is still bad, but not as bad.
I guess the reason why i am writing this chapter is because i need to move on. I have been crying and panicking for the past hour, i literally screamed into my pillow and was wanting to punch walls, i was yelling and i couldn't get a hold. But i don't see the point in doing that anymore. I take responsibility, i have not been paying attention in class, and that is 100% my fault. I also haven't been studying, which is also my fault, although i have been basically at the high school non-stop for tech week, and i have had no time to do basically anything except for the play, which my teacher does understand. But, i could have payed better attention, and i will. I will do whatever i have to to have the best possible outcome in this situation, and that is all i can do at this point, and the healthiest thing i can possibly be doing for myself right now is writing this, because it really does help me put everything into perspective. It is not the end of the world, and i realize that. Does it suck right now? absolutely. But i can come back, even if it might not seem like it. I am really going to try, this is my wakeup call, and i'm ready to work for my grades in this class. I'm ready to ask my teacher for a second chance, and accept her answer no matter what it is, because there is something i am able to do for myself and i am willing to do whatever. Ill be okay. I guess i just needed to realize that. Now what i am going to do is wipe my face with a makeup wipe, change into my pajamas, do as much homework as possible before i get too tired, and get a good night sleep.
Time to move on.