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Crazy

It's crazy how fast your brain can move into different mind sets.
For example, the brain likes to omit things that it doesn't want to think about; things that stress itself out. Well, those things like to weasel their way into our brains no matter how hard we try to keep them out. Let me explain what brought about this realization for me.
Today is sunday, although it is almost midnight so i guess its almost monday. And since tomorrow is colombus day, I don't have school, which is great. And i was thinking about it today, how happy I was to have an extra day off this weekend to relax and collect myself so i can be mentally ready to go back to school on tuesday. But the reality is, there is no break. There is no choice. We go to school because that is what we have to do. And i find myself working towards each break, excited to have a repreive from the stress of school. But it isn't until the end of that break that i realize, it's over. I have to go back to school and do it over again. Christmas break, April break, even Summer vacation are all just part of a repeating circle of school schedules and stress. And I'm so tired of it. Yes, i am horrified of the future and i have no solid ideas of what i want to do with it, but at least once i get out into the real world, i will be able to make my own choices. Yes, i will still have stress and responsibilities but i will be able to choose what i want to do and work specially towards being able to do that. That is something that i don't feel capable to do now. I don't know if there are any readers of this story that are younger than me, let alone any readers at all, but if there are, and you are one, and you are young enough to not realize that life isn't a perfect fairytale, then i am sorry to burst your bubble. But i am 15, and i already feel slightly broken down by my own emotions. and that is normal; i am still laughing and doing things and participating. But i also fall victim to self criticism and doubt and fear and sadness every day. Just like everyone else. I am also pretty young, so i know I probably know a very small amount about the world compared to someone who lives in the real world, but my childhood has taught me a few things about reality, and how much it can suck sometimes. That is why we have escapism, through pastimes; reading, writing, any pastimes that allow you to step away from your reality and do something that puts your mind at ease. this is a great feeling to experience, and that is why i write in this story, to get all of my feelings down on paper. Because like i said, the mind is a fast moving and complicated machine, and it doesnt hold thoughts for long amounts of time. So when there is something bothering me, my mind tends to go blurry. I will go into panic mode, and not be able to form any coherent thoughts, and i will not be able to rationalize the thoughts in my mind or come up with any solutions to the problems causing the panic. I'm sure i am not the only one who experiences this. So that is why I write. To have a conversation with myself, mind and paper (or phone, i guess). To let the thoughts come out and stay where they are for a while so i can rationalize them.
So i guess what i am struggling with now is the emotions i am feeling; like i am missing something and it is out of my reach. Like i am not fully happy, and that i don't know how to be fully happy. I want to be fufilled by every day that i live on the earth, and be satisfied and happy with every moment. But the real truth is, nobody is happy and satisfied 100% of the time. Happiness, in its purest form, it the best feeling in the world. but it requires so many things to be exactly right. Sometimes, i won't allow myself to fully enjoy a moment because i am stressed about something else happening in my life. But i need to accept that there will always be something to stress about, and I can't change it. But i can take steps to make sure that i am the happiest that i can be. I can start to get everything done that i need to do, i can be social and productive, i can get a good nights sleep and eat healthy. I can appreciate all the things and people that i have in my life, and be amazed by the fact that I am in
complete control over my own future. I can do whatever i want. And yes, that is scary. But it is also something that many people cannot experience, and it is something that is a great privilege. I can make my life however i want it. Right now, i just have to focus on finding out what i am interested in so i can start to create a foundation for a future that will make me happy and feel like i am actually living. I can feel the need to do something meaningful radiating out of me. but meaningful is different to every person. What i think i am realizing is that "meaningful" to me means something that wakes me up every morning excited for the day ahead of me, something that makes me smile, and something that makes me feel like i am living a life instead of just getting through each and every day. I will find that something, i know it.