Untitled

uproot

So currently I'm driving back to Connecticut from JKF airport, and I've had a real revelation. I've spent the past week in Oregon with my mom, cousins and my aunt. Vacations are always good, a great way to clear your mind and feel like you are ready and fresh when you get back home to tackle your tasks. The thing is, I felt so at home in portland, and I never even thought about my house or wanted to go back.
I live in a pretty small town, a farming town and I literally live in the middle of the woods. I'm not exactly open to the world. In Portland, everyone was kind to me. Since my cousin and his wife got divorced, he got a new girlfriend and she has 2 kids, who are now my new cousins. I met them a week ago when i got to Portland, and I feel like I've known them forever now. My cousin and his girlfriend were so kind and were awesome to let me and my mom stay with them for a week. I got to see my cousins, one whom I hadn't seen in a year and one who I hadn't seen in 2 years. And even on top of all of this, Portland was just amazing. I'm the kind of person who loves country and city, and Portland was the perfect mix. Beautiful city with amazing shops, gorgeous rural areas, mountains in the background, amazing food, just my kind of place. We also camped at crater lake for 2 days, which was insanely beautiful and I feel lucky to have been there.
I'm realizing now as I'm driving home that I felt more at home in my cousins house than i ever do in my own. My family is pure chaos, as explained in earlier entries. My sister is very sick with a list of mental illnesses, and my dad is very sick with a list of physical illnesses. We also have a pretty strained relationship at the moment. The thing is, he way too invested in what is happening in my life, and he is jealous of my relationship with my mom. So he tries harder to shove himself into my space, i back away, he gets paranoid that i hate him so he tries harder, and i back away further. It's not a fun cycle. And besides that, with my mom always working to support us since my dad is on disability and they are getting divorced, I barley get to see her and I can't leave the house when she isn't there, because I can't drive myself. When she is home, she is usually attending to my sister, which is understandable because if she didn't my sister would cause even more chaos then she already does. I'm just sick of stepping on land mines with both of them, trying to find the right thing and amount of things to say so I don't set them off. They are both going through a lot and I can't imagine what it is like, but It takes kind of a toll.
So as I'm driving back, I feel myself not even that urgent to get home. I miss my dog, and my friends, and my house in general kinda, but i felt so at home with all my cousins and other family in Portland. I fit right in. I didn't have to worry about stepping on the wrong patch of land and setting off an explosion. I just felt like i fit there. It felt so good to be somewhere different for a change, and i never wanted to go home.
I always was afraid of what it would be like to be uprooted from my home and my normal life, but i see it happening all around me. My sister going to college, my parents getting divorced and my mom moving out, and I can't stop any of it. But this week, feeling so at home in a different place, it made me realize that the grass is greener in other places. I felt such love there, which I don't always feel at home in Connecticut. It made me realize that I'm capable of change and will thrive somewhere else. I just needed the distance. And I'm excited to see my lovely Internet friends in Long Island on my birthday next week. Fingers crossed that I'll find ways to get out of my house before that.