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College

I am really scared about college.
So, this entry is going to be sort of a rant, because i have been hardcore stressing about something for the past couple days. i think it is totally unfair that at 18 years of age, we are expected to have everything figured out and know exactly what we want to do with our lives, where we want to go, and so on. Well, i am a soon to be high school sophomore and it is time i start to think about my future a bit more.
For the past couple months, i have been feeling really lost, and thinking about where I want to go for college, and it kinda hit me. I have always, and still do, want to go to California. I want to go to California and maybe get an internship at the Trevor Project. I love art, and music, and creative writing and photography, and i want to choose a college that will help me make a life out of something i love.
The problem is, I, like most of the population, do not have unlimited money.
Now, dont get me wrong. I am not poor. I live in a nice house in Connecticut, and my family makes a good amount of money. But life is unpredictable.
Seven months ago, my dad was diagnosed with chronic Osteomyelitis, which is the fancy name for an infection in his knee. So he has been out of work since February, and even though he has disability, it is still not nearly as much money we got when he was working. My mom is working 2 jobs so we can pay our bills, and we are doing okay. But we don't have a ton of extra money to spend.
I have told my mom that i want to go to California and she said that she supports this. But yesterday morning, her and I were in NYC with my friend and her mom, and we were having breakfast and talking about college. My mom mentioned that if she gets a full time position at one of Connecticut's universitys, then I would get free tuition. But i reinforced the fact that i want to leave Connecticut after graduating. I dont want to be selfish and cost my family more money, but here's the thing. I am sick on my family. I love them, but i need to be farther away from them. My sister has a host of mental problems and attends a boarding school for teens with these issues, but after living there for 2 years, she moved home. And my family is growing tired of dealing with it.
I dont know how to describe my home situation, but a word i would use is explosive. Its like a minefield, one wrong step and everything explodes. So my family understands why i want to get out.
When i was younger, i swore i would never ever leave my town.
Looking back on that now, i can't imagine what i was thinking. I have never moved, and i want to see places. I want to go somewhere other then Connecticut.
But back to not having unlimited money.
My friends mom said that i should definitely go to college in state so i could have free tuition and use the extra money to travel. And here's the thing, I definitely want to travel, In fact, it is one of the things i want most in life. But just the thought of going to college in Connecticut makes me panic.
Not only do I hate the cold winters, I hate the fact that i have barely ever seen anywhere else, and i hate the thought of being here for any longer then i need to.
I want a fresh start. I want sunshine and excitment and stimulating experience. I know i'm not rich, so i am scared i am not being realistic, but i can't stay in Connecticut for the rest of my life, and I'm scared that if i stay for college then i will never leave.
Part of me thinks that is ridiculous. i can leave after i have a good education and a chance at a job, i can get out and never ever look back. but part of me wants to pack a bag and bolt, and get a fresh start.
i cant write anymore right now. my brain is going too fast.