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New Year

So as I am writing this, it is official 2016! 
This is the year that I will finally be able to get my drivers license, get a job, become a junior in High School, amongst other things. It is January 1st, and I am so aware of the year ahead of me right now. Having fun can numb your realizations, but it always wears off.
Last night, I had just a small get together with some friends to celebrate New Years. Me, 7 or 8 friends, just laughing our asses off in my basement for hours. Let me get this straight; I don't drink and I don't do drugs. Some of my friends do, most of them don't. But I would have been up for it (it meaning alcohol, not drugs, I'm not about that). But the thing is, we still had a lot of fun without it. But waking up this morning, having all my friends leave, just kind of left me alone with my thoughts. I have an entire year ahed of me, and there are so many experiences I want to have. I am so overwhelmed by the amount of things that I want to do this year, on top of all my regular responsibilities like school and homework and stuff. I want to go to Oregon and visit my family, take a trip to California just because, I want to go to a music festival really bad I don't really know how to go about that. I do have three concerts on the scedual; Oh Wonder, Troye Sivan, and Adele. I have 2 New York City Trips, a boston trip, and possibly a Washington DC trip for round 2 of playlist live. I want to let myself be crazy and free this year; I want to kiss a boy or girl (but mostly a boy) and laugh and smile and get back in shape and figure out what I love to do, so I can start planning what I want to do after I graduate. I know not even half way through high school, but I will be this year, and I just want to have an idea. If I am not lying, I feel really lost. I seem to do this thing where as I am writing I don't write down what I am actually thinking because it doesn't fit within the topic, but the point of this journal is to clear my head and make more sense of my life so here goes. I feel like a loser. Yes, I had an awesome time with my friends on New Years. But I feel like I should be doing things more teenagers do, like go to party's and drink and kiss someone at midnight. I want to experience those things, but I guess most of the time I am just not that kind of person. I wish I was more okay with that. I want to have experiences, even if it makes me dumb. Am I making no sense?? We were talking last night about how we should go on a road trip this summer, which sounds like a dream but none of us will be legal to drive with friends in that time. Why does anything have to be so complicated?? I just want to go have fun with my friends and live, but I can't even drive! UGHHH. I feel so confined. Like, if i want to go anywhere i need my parents to take me, which means they get to make all the rules or else I don't get to go. And even if i do get to go, I don't get to do all the things I want anyway, because they won't allow it. I just wish I had some more freedom! I'm going crazy. I really am. Why do i have tp be stuck in this house?? Oh my god. I can't do this. I am panicking. Currently. As i am writing this. I feel very dizzy. But it's okay, I am just going to keep writing.
I need to find that person. You know, that one person who is up for adventures and wants to run away with me and gather memories. Why can't I find that person?? All i want is to do something completely under my choosing, make my own rules. I just want to leave, just for a little while.
I miss my friend. He was supposed to come to new years last night but he stayed with his girlfriend. I texted him to tell him happy new year. He hasn't texted me back. Last year, when we were in show choir, we wrote anonymous notes to eachother. I could tell which one was his, because he said he has known me since we were 3, which is true. He also said that no matter what we go through, we always get through it, and it would absolutely crush him to lose me. I wonder if he has just forgotten about all that. It makes me sad to think so.
I don't have any thoughts at the moment that are comprehensible, but i will try to keep writing, because it usually makes me feel better. I don't want to come up with reasons why my behavior or life is justified, because i am not trying to make myself seem perfect. I just want to feel better. I think it might be my fault that my friend and I aren't as close anymore. Apparently, I was really mean to him in late 2014. See, I won't deny that I teased him. But there was so much going on. One of my worst qualities is that when a person clings to me even a little bit, I can't handle it. I become so short and sassy, I do it with my father. He trys way to hard to have a relationship with me, which is dumb, because we have a good relationship, and him being clingy makes me annoyed, and then he trys harder when I am annoyed, and It makes me more annoyed. So it is a vicious cycle. But back to my friend.
in 2014, he had broken up with his girlfriend, who also happened to be my friend. He was really emotional vulnerable, and he had pretty low self esteem, so he was always making jokes,
tearing himself down. Everyone in the friend group laughed and played with him too, including me. But the thing is, he had feelings
for me that summer and fall. I am completely not trying to sound like an asshole, I am not trying to sound self absorbed, I really am not. But I didn't like him back like that, simply because we were friends for 10 years and I never thought of him like that. He is the sweetest, funniest guy I have ever known. Truly. Anyone would be lucky to have him. But since he liked me, he took me joking around with him to offense, and he thought I hated him. Let me get this extremely clear, I NEVER hated him. I love him so much, but the entire cycle was so vicious, just like the one with my dad. He would joke, I would joke along, he would get offended and say that I hated him, I would get annoyed because I don't hate him, he would tell one of our friends how upset he was that I hated him, I would confront him, he would lie and say he was okay, I would get it out of him, I would say "I'm not mad, I don't hate you. If you are upset with me, please talk to me and not anyone else." He would promise he would. Then he would do the same thing over again. And again. At that point, our group of friends was hanging out way to much anyway, so we started to seperate a bit, which was healthy. He started hanging out with this girl, they started dating, and now he doesn't hang around as much any more. I still talk to him often, but nothing like we used to. I feel so distant from him, and I miss being as close as we used to be. I feel horrible. I didn't mean to drive him away. I can't lose him. I just wanted him to stop talking to our friends about me behind my back. I miss how we used to be. It makes me really, really sad just thinking about it. I miss him. I miss him. I miss you.
I don't know how this turned into a rant about my friend, but I just needed to get it off my chest a little bit. I feel prettu drained. I'm laughing pretty hard, but I feel like crying too. What is wrong with me??? Is this normal?? Is everyone trying to push these feelings of insecurity and sadness and nostalgia and guilt and doubt and depression away all the time? Is it always just lurking in the back of our minds?? Is it just me?????
Am I the only one who feels like this?
I want to keep writing. I hate stuggling like that. I need to roast myself for a second. I am a horrible procrastinator. I am so sassy, and I can be such a bitch. I should work out more. I am not as pretty as other girls. I am always comparing myself to other people. I talk behind my friends backs sometimes, even though I do feel bad about it. I judge people. I say bad things. Why do I do that? Because one of my worst fears is people doing that to me. Why can I be such a hypocrite sometimes?? I know I am human, but that isn't an excuse. Some days, I just suck as a person.
I feel a little bit lighter. I also feel pretty tired,
I was up until 5am last night. That is probably way.
I am going back to school in 3 days. What lays ahed of me are tests. Grades. Projects. Macbeth. Algebra. Midterms. Stress. Homework. Early mornings. Late nights. Tears.
But I have a chance to make it good, I can make it count. I just need to focus, work on my grades, work to keep myself on the honor roll, and then, when summer comes, I can go into it knowing I tried my hardest. Upsides too. I have been incredibly organized this year so far. I took fantastic notes and I actually payed attention in class (excluding western heritage, but I still have a high B in the class so I'm fine) I want to study hard, get good grades on my midterms. I will work with my math tutor, and try really hard on that algebra midterm. I know I can get a decent grade if i really try. I have a concert at the end of the month, and I am looking forward to that greatly. I will have so much fun with my friends in boston that day, I will have so much fun at that concert.
breather. I need to breath.
I feel so gross because I am on my period and It sucks. I also hate it when people get all grossed out when i say i am on my period. Like I can't help it!!! I'm not bleeding out of my vagina on purpose! I'm laughing. I'm also half asleep.
I really want to work on my portfolio for art. I did 2 portraits in 2015, I want to kick butt and do a bunch more in 2016. Besides, my first one kinda sucks. It was going pretty well until I did the eyes, and messed it up. But the second one actually turned out pretty good. I think. Maybe I will look back on it and cringe, but right now i don't think it looks half bad. I want to do a lot more this year.
You know what is so funny? I thought for a while that youtube stuff would just be another phase for me, but it really seems like it is not passing. Assuming that, I might still have wattpad my senior year. I can go back and look at these entries and laugh at myself and remember all my emotions and find myself crazy, or maybe even relate to a lot of things that I say, because I will still be the same person, just a little older, hopefully a little smarter and hopefully a little bit more attractive. I want to know when I will have sex. I feel like it will never happen, but I know somewhere deep down that it will. Maybe I just need to say yes to more experiences. If I had done that this year, I could have made out with someone easy, and maybe even gone further. That is my problem. I think things true too
much. I need to be stupid sometimes and learn from my mistakes. I need to put myself out there and have fun. I need to stop being so careful. I know I will have sex. There is a very few number of people who don't have sex in their teens, and even if they don't, they eventually do anyway. And as much as i like to convince myself otherwise, i really don't think there is anything wrong with my appearance. Sure, I am pretty small. I am 104 pounds, five foot three inches, and I don't really have boobs. I mean i do, they just aren't big. However, I might be small, but I am curvy. I love my hips and my waist. I like how i am not too tall so i can wear heels and not feel like a freak. I have brown hair, dark at the top and ombré into lighter at the bottom, little longer then shoulder length. I have small lips, but they aren't thin. I have a small, perfectly shaped nose ( I love my nose) and a bunch of little freckles under my eyes, which are really dark brown. And ever since I started to take care of my eyebrows, they are pretty on fleek. Pretty dark, not too thin or thick, with a good shape. I am rambling now. But it is not like I say good things about myself much and when I feel it, i like to take the opportunity to say it before I lose it again. I like myself. And i am learning to love myself after my self esteem issues that i have had for the past couple years.
I love warm blankets, cold pillows, and cuddling.
This was a weird rant, right? I don't know why anyone would read this...? but if you do, and you relate to anything I said, just know that you are truly not alone. I am here, feeling the same exact way. I wish i knew if i was the only one.