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Life is treating me quite well.
I hope all of you are doing well, becuase I really feel great. I am so lucky to be where I am doing what I am, and I am not going to take it for granted any longer. Tomorrow night, I have my semi-formal dance, and I am going to dance my face off. But what I am most exited about is my school trip to Virginia beach this April. 5 days away from snowy Connecticut with nothing but the beach, my friends, good food, and music is exactly what I need. I feel exited. And refreshed! I can hardly wait to get on that bus and drive far away from this place, but I still have a couple weeks of school left. Even though I am doing well, nothing is perfect. Freshman year is kicking my butt. I didn't think it would be this hard. But I am doing what I need to do. I almost have straigh A's, I am doing 3 after school clubs, and I am taking care of myself. These past couple years I have had some real problems. Nothing has escalated the way it does with some people, but my mind has been controlled by these thoughts for quite some time. These thoughts are of body issues.
I know, I know.
Typical 14 year old girl, body issues, blah blah blah...
Nope. My relationship with food has been seriously screwed up over the past couple years.
It all started when I was about 11. I went to this picnic in my town, a fundraiser for Africa or Haiti, I can't remember. But I weighed about 95 lbs as I remember. I was a normal weight for my age. But at that picnic, my mindset changed. Me and my sister and two of our friends were playing in a field, and one of the girls asked if she could pick me up. I said, "sure!" So she picked me up, but dropped me seconds later. "Oh my god, you are way too heavy!" She exclaimed. I went silent. I know she didn't mean anything by it, but you know, brains have a way of twisting things around. I still remember this exact moment. Go figure.
Well, at that point in my life, I was in 5th or 6th grade, and I was going through a hard time. At school, me and my friends had this teacher, not naming names. She was seemingly nice, but
once you got to know her, she had a special power of transforming into a monster. Now, she wasn't like this to everyone; just me and my friends. Becuase we like to talk, she hated us. But honestly, I never got below a B in her class, and did my homework constantly. It wasn't enough for her. I was having problems at my house during middleschool; my sister was in and out of mental hospitals constantly and my father had a staff infection in his leg, so he couldn't work. Also, my grandmother had just died. My teacher knew about what was going on, but sympathy was not her strong suit. She told me to stop using my family problems as a crutch. I didn't have any respect for her after she said that.
Well I am getting extremely sidetracked.
My family, a sister, mother and father, we're all very interesting with food. We are Italian, so we obviously love to eat. But my sister, who was not very stable at the time, was obsessed with food and calories, and she passed this down to me. I must have started counting calories when I was about 9 or 10; my family was very obsessive. But she told me that summer that I should only be eating 1200 calories a day, nothing more. So that is what I did, for a long time. Six months, maybe seven? I started at 95 lbs in the summer, and by February I was 87 lbs. my family and friends were starting to get concerned. I had to stop restricting my calories. But after doing it for so long, I was obsessed with my body, how many calories I was eating, how many I was burning, how much I weighed. I went out for ice cream with my friends and I would watch them eat but not eat myself. I made lists of foods I couldn't eat, obsessive workout plans, I read anorexia blogs on Instagram, and I related to some things that people said on those blogs. There were times when I wanted to be anorexic so badly, but I knew it was unhealthy. I only told two of my friends about these thoughts. One of the girls I told I am still friends with today. The other, not so much. But my friends told me every day that I was skinny, too skinny even. I looked in the mirror, and I just didn't see it. It drove me crazy, becuase I saw the fat on my skin, but no one else did. I wasn't happy with my body. At all.
But then, something changed.
Last summer, I went to the doctor. She informed me that I was 90 lbs. I was underweight, I hadn't gained any weight this year. Had I been eating? I needed to gain weight. For the next year, I heard her warning in my head, but my body said no! She is wrong. You are fine. I weighed in at 93 lbs this past summer.
She said I had gained 3 lbs, but it wasn't enough.
Suddenly, I got tired.
Tired of hating my body.
Tired of not eating what I wanted to eat.
Just tired of fighting with myself about food.
I let go.
I ate the foods that made me happy!
This was such a good decision.
Right now, I am 97-98 lbs, and I feel really good about my body. I know I am still about 6 or 7 lbs underweight for my height and age, but I am working at it but by bit and I feel good.
I can wear padded baithing suits and wear real dresses not meant for kids (although I do have to find the smallest sizes)
I don't see the point in wasting my time stressing over whether or not to eat a candy bar.
Who cares?
I would be lying if I said I felt completely and utterly comfortable in my own skin, but I feel 100x better than I did a year ago. I can enjoy food now. It is a pleasure that people should not have to go without.
So I am going to go on my school trip, have fun in my new bikini, and just not have a care in the world. 19 days left.