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February

Hey. So I probably should be sleeping considering I have school tomorrow and its almost 11:30 at night, but I havnt written in forever and i need some love, so i figure if i am able to get all this stress and sadness out of my brain, i will have some room to give myself some love. The problem is,
I feel like February.
I don't know who is reading this, if anyone, but back in January/February when i started this "writing" I was in a kind of dark place. I felt stuck in a routine, it was freezing cold outside, and I woke up every morning at 6am dreading the hours ahed of me because school is so boring and awful. My English teacher calls highschool "a cruel experiment"
I like him. He is a good teacher.
Anyway, when i wrote back in February, I remember feeling so depressed i didnt know what to do with myself, feeling like i just wanted to crawl into the fetal position in my bed and sleep the world away. And I feel myself falling back into those same patterns. The problem is, I can't sleep the world away. No one can. The world will keep on turning and I will keep living so there is no point in trying and falling behind. So let me give you a little back story on why I feel like sleeping for years and not waking up until I'm happy again.
You know when you are really, really excited for something? A vacation, a concert, even something smaller, and you don't even think about what your life will be like after? That happened to me this weekend. I went to Playlist Live DC with my friend, and it has been something I had been looking forward to since may. In june, me and my friend got in this group chat with a couple people also going to the event, and we talked all the way from early June up until now. We still talk today. But we were all so hyped for this weekend. It was going to be amazing. So me and my friend got in the car on friday morning and drove down to DC. From the moment we got there, it was amazing. It was like an escape from reality. Meetups, pannels, advanced movie screenings, meeting friends, going to parties, sneaking into off-limit floors to be in random vlogs, eating truffle fries at 1am in a restaurant full of famous youtubers, and meeting our internet friends who we have been talking to for the past 3 months. I remember when i saw them and they saw me. We both did a kind of double take, and then our eyes widened, and ran to eachother and hugged for minutes at a time. It was so awesome meeting them. We hung out all weekend, listened to amazing music (Troye Sivan) met amazing people, and bonded as friends so much. So on Sunday, the last day, when me and my friend were about to leave, we tweeted at the girls to meet us in Starbucks to say goodbye. It's not like we live cross country from them or anything, but its a good couple hours to see any of them. So they walk in, and we are hugging and all of that and one of my internet friends starts crying. She is still laughing, but tears are rolling down her cheek. I never cry, but then tears start in my eyes too, and then my friends eyes. And before I know it, we are laughing so hard our abs hurt with tears streaming down our faces, so sad that we have to leave and not see eachother anymore. We get in the car to drive home, and I just feel so numb. I didn't think about how i would feel when the weekend was over, I was too focused on how it would be. Leaving the friends we made that weekend was incredibly hard. And I have felt low and sad all week. I'm stressed about school and my grades, my family is going through an extremely hard time, and I feel like I lived all the life i had in me for a while this weekend and i feel drained and depressed. On top of stressed. I wish i had something amazing to look forward too, maybe i would be less sad. I know i will get through it, but i hate feeling like this. Everyone does. I'm really close to crying right now, but I'm too tired to be honest. I have a confession though;
i kind of self harmed yesterday for the first time since the winter. It wasn't a big deal, I literally used an earing and the cuts are barely scratches, but I'm upset that i did that. It wasn't the answer. I should have wrote earlier. I know i will get through this, i just need to start working out again, get my math grade up, and get some decent sleep. I love everyone who reads this, and everyone who doesnt. thank you so so so much, I don't know why you read this story but if you do, i hope you know your not alone, and i am sending you love at all times. I will look back at this chapter and smile, because i wont be able to remember feeling so depressed. I know i will.